Imperfect
by miaadventure
Summary: Cammie Morgan, Depressed. No one wants that label, and definitely not Cammie. So she acts. Better than anyone else could ever think- so well not even her own brother can tell. But then again, Zachary Goode, YouTuber isn't exactly just anyone.
1. Chapter 1

"I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

"I HATE YOU!"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

My mom chugged down another beer. "And how do you plan to make me leave, Matthew?" She spat out his name in a bitter teasing sort of way, pushing his buttons.

I turned to my dad, who was shaking his head. "Get. Out."

Her eyes flashed and she slapped him, before driving away, drunk.

I ran up to my room and slammed the door behind me, ignoring the bang that echoed throughout the suddenly quiet house. I grabbed a red pen on my desk and pushed it hard against my skin and dragged it, not enough to make it bleed, but enough to peel the skin. The ink made it look like it was bleeding, and it still hurt and left a cut.

This was my alternative to cutting. I never found it in me to take a knife and drag it across my skin; I was too scared to. I wasn't a brave person.

This wasn't the first time I'd resorted to the pen. I used the pen once a week; not out of habit but out of necessity.

I quote, "Pain demands to be felt."

My life motto.

It's true, though, isn't it? When you're hurting, you want other people to feel the pain you do. But for me... I inflicted pain on myself, hiding my true feelings from all those I knew. I had only written down my feelings once, maybe twice, but once for now. I'm pretty sure I suffer from depression, but that's just a self diagnosis and who can ever trust themselves to make the right decisions?

I was naturally a good student in school; I had friends and I knew a lot of people. As it turns out, I know a lot more about other people than they know about me. But Zachary Goode was a work-in-progress. All new kids are: The goal of every student is to find out as much as possible about new students- and to unleash the wrath of gossip upon them.

I was curled up in a little ball in bed. My dad, was passed out on the couch downstairs while my older brother, Grant, was blasting music in his room. "_My songs know… What you did… In the dark…!_" I let out one arm from under the covers and knocked on the wall separating us.

"_Yeah?_"

"Can you please turn it down?"

"_But I always do this when we have school._" Shoot. I'd almost forgotten.

"Never mind, Grant. Carry on."

I groaned as I threw the covers off of me and walked to my closet to pick out an outfit. Dark denim shorts, a light pink tank top, and my signature red Converses. I left my bedroom to step into the bathroom, tying my hair up into a high ponytail when Grant walked in, grabbing his toothbrush.

"Ready?" He asked. I grabbed my toothbrush, squirted some toothpaste on it, and nodded.

"Three... Two... One... Go!" We shoved our toothbrushes in our mouths and brushed for two minutes. This was our tradition every school morning on Mondays. The day we didn't would be the day we die. We did everything in sync until the alarm on my phone rang, signaling us to go downstairs, grab some breakfast, and head for school.

I told you before. I can hide my depression. Too easily.

I slung a backpack over my shoulder and opened the passenger door to Grant's car. He ran out of the house moments later, a chocolate doughnut in his hand. I stared at him as he opened the car door and shoved the keys in, handing me his doughnut to hold while he drove.

Gallathorne Academy and Institute, or, as the students refer to it, GAI, is recognized nationally for its historic accomplishments. At first, GAI were two separate schools- Gallagher Academy and Blackthorne Institute. Gallagher was girls only, and Blackthorne was for our male counterparts. The two schools were originally built next to each other, and the first headmaster/mistress were mortal enemies. But when they died, their replacements fell in love with each other and decided to merge the two schools. Cute love story, really. Humongous school.

My best friends were Rebecca (Bex) Baxter, Elizabeth (Liz) Sutton, and Macey McHenry. I knew them more than they knew themselves, but they would never know the real me. No one ever would.

But I suppose I spoke too soon.

Zachary Goode was tall; physically fit; smart; cocky; and, in short, hot. Zachary Goode was hot. And when the new kid is hot...

No one noticed Zachary Goode until he walked in through the schools maple double doors. He was clad in jeans, and a polo that wasn't too tight, but did reveal some of the muscle hidden. He strode casually to the school office, smirking a bit at the gaping girls. The first period warning bell rang and I rushed with my friends to first period science. I actually loved science; my teacher was awesome.

"Cameron Morgan, please come to the principal's office." I flinched at the sound of the secretary's voice, then glanced quickly at my teacher who nodded. Everyone looked at me while I walked out, a bit perplexed why good girl Cammie was being called to the principal's office.

I wasn't in trouble.

"Hey, Cammie," Principal Bailey greeted me when I walked in. Her office was amazing, and Principal Bailey was young, too, so she understood teenagers more than most of the other teachers. She was sitting on the edge of her mahogany desk that worked double duty as a desk and a room divider. Zachary Goode was sitting on one of her beanbags. "I've dubbed ye tour guide to Sir Zach Goode," she said in a faux posh accent.

The three of us laughed lightly, and Zachary Goode stood up, offering me a hand. "Hey. I'm Zach. Goode." I took his hand and shook it. "Cammie Morgan. Nice to meet you," I added. We withdrew our hands and Principal Bailey smiled. "Good. Intros out of the way, check. So, Cam, I've dubbed you to be Zach's tour guide for the next few days until he gets the hang of it. You both have all the same classes, so have fun with that. And don't worry about being late to your classes. I've talked to the teachers to excuse you if you guys are a little late. I expect you, Zach, to be able to navigate your way smoothly throughout all the school grounds by the end of his month." Zach smirked.

"But Bail-" She glared at him, and I raised an eyebrow, slightly amused. Zach was about to call her by her first name - Why?

"Principal Bailey." He stuck his tongue out at her. "I should be able to navigate the grounds by the end of today. Can't be too hard, right?" Principal Bailey and I took one look at each other and burst out laughing. "The Gallathorne grounds total 42 acres, Zach." His eyes widened when I said that. "Seriously?" I nodded, smirking. "It's okay if you need a longer time, just let me know beforehand, Zach," Principal Bailey said. She smiled. "We should be done now. Get to class! Oh, wait, take some candy." She threw me a bag of KitKats. I was about to open it and take one, when she giggled. "Keep the whole bag. I have tons." Zach glared at her. "What about mine?" He pouted, and she rolled her eyes. "You're not risking precious social time to show the new student around, are you?" He sighed, and we left. I stopped by my locker to put the chocolate away.

He didn't seem fazed by awkward small talk.

"What brings you to GAI?" I asked.

"My sister," he replied. He laughed seeing my tilted head and stopped in the hallway. "Yeah. Principal Bailey's my sister. She moved out east last year because she got this job here, and after just one year of... Principal-ing, she decided she wanted me to move out here and be with her. We're pretty close." I smiled, reminded of my own sibling relationship. "What did your parents think?" I asked when we had started walking to science again. He looked down at the ground and scratched the back of his neck. "My... Uh... Parents died when I was eight. I was living with my grandparents in Cali before coming here." My mind blanked before I mustered up an apology. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked-"

"No, really, it's okay," he interrupted. I walked over to the science room and opened the door for him. "Welcome to science with Mr. Solomon."

Bex, Liz, Macey, and basically every other female in the room sat up just a little straighter, staring at Zach. "Oh, yes. New student. Introduce yourself, and then pair up with Cammie at table number 8 to work on composing a pair science project." Zach smiled and shook his hand before turning to the class. "Hey. I'm Zach. I moved here from California." His posture was perfect, and he spoke with such confidence that I couldn't help but feel attracted to him. We headed for table eight and sat down next to each other, legs almost touching.

"Any science ideas in mind?" I asked him, and he smirked. "Quite a few. I did some independent research at my old school. What about a focus on something with the brain-"

"What about sarcasm?" I said. "I was thinking of doing something like that, but then it would become more of a-"

"Psychological report," we chorused together. I blushed an ugly shade of red, and he smirked. Mr. Solomon chuckled. "Stick to something non-psych," he said, and I sighed with relief. Anything psychological related almost always lead to talks about depression. Eventually we decided on conducting an investigation on global warming. Common topic, I know. We traded numbers, emails, and addresses so we could work on the project due in a month outside of school.

"What's our next class, Gallagher Girl?" he asked. "Free period. And what brought up Gallagher Girl?" I replied. "I know the history. You're a girl. Therefore, Gallagher Girl." I rolled my eyes and he smirked, cocky as ever. "Let's play twenty questions. I want to learn more about you."

* * *

**'Sup. Trying to edit this story so I can update it for you guys and get a refresher on my own story =) However, these edits aren't as I'd like them to be, because if I were really editing this story the entire story would change. I'm trying to fix basic errors while not changing the plot line, so please bear with me! Thank you; you guys are the best. RFRF (Read, Follow, Review Favorite) and send me your ideas!**


	2. Chapter 2

Acting is a skill that everyone with depression must master eventually. Which is why I believe everyone with depression is a master actor/actress. It's hard to hide depression sometimes, but once you get used to it, it just becomes a way of life - all the lying and fibbing and acting. So when Zach and I were playing twenty questions while sitting in the Gallathorne main garden, I laughed at his responses and played the role of Cammie Morgan, student at GAI - a girl that wasn't constantly mad and disappointed in herself.

"Seriously?! I can't believe you got your head stuck in a toilet."

"Hey, I was four! Um... What is the strangest thing that ever happened to you?" Zach asked me. I smirked. "Easy. When I was twelve, Grant took me to the state fair. There were so many clowns, and I think he paid them all to follow me around when we decided to split up. At one point I had, like, seven different clowns on me. Unfortunately, I'm absolutely terrified by clowns, and I'm guessing he paid them enough to also act as mimes who copied my every move." He burst out laughing and I playfully shoved his shoulder. He grimaced. "Ow, Gallagher Girl," he joked. The bell for third period rang and we walked to math.

"Cameron, why are you late- oh! Yes, new student. Please, introduce yourself to the class," Professor Buckingham said. Zach smiled. "Hey. I'm Zach Goode, I moved here from California." Bex waved at me from her desk and we had an eye conversation.

_Where were you during third?_

_With Zach._

_I ship you guys._

_I barely know him!_

_Mmhmm. Have fun being interrogated by Macey during lunch._

Definitely not looking forward to Macey's interrogation.

Professor Buckingham beamed. "Good, good. You can go to your seats now, start reading pages 312 to 320!" Let me set one thing straight. Professor Buckingham was _in love _with math. Obviously that made her a perfect math teacher... But sometimes she got a little crazy about it. Luckily for me, those eight pages of calculus that I had to wonder when I would ever use in real life were all review.

"Lunch is next?" I nodded. "So how's the food? Absolutely delicious or absolutely vile?" I smiled. "Delicious. No joke." He nodded slowly but followed me to the cafeteria anyway to get the school lunch.

"You really weren't kidding," he said, gaping at the rows and rows of buffet-style food carts. I laughed. "Told you so. Let's get some food, and you can sit with my friends and I." He smiled gratefully; I understood the feeling. On the first day of school, it could be a little hard figuring out where to sit.

"You can't just eat cake, Zach."

"Fine." He had a piece of cake on his plate and nabbed a slice of pepperoni pizza much larger than his cake. I rolled my eyes and he smirked. "At least mine tastes good. All you have is... OK, wait, now that I'm really looking at it, it looks really good." I looked down at my plate, with some spaghetti, garlic bread, and peaches. We waited for him to get his spaghetti too before heading over to the table my friends and I had claimed at the beginning of our freshman year.

"Bex, Macey, Liz, Grant, Jonas, and Preston, this is-" Jonas and Preston were Grant's friends. "Zach Goode. Nice to meet you all," he said, nodding to each of them in turn. Macey smiled a little too deviously for my liking. "I have to go to the bathroom. Come with?" she asked us girls, but grabbed my hand anyways. I directed a pointed look towards Grant, that look telling him to engage a conversation with Zach.

"Give me the dirt on Goode," Macey demanded once we were out of earshot. I began with telling them about Principal Bailey calling me in to show him around, and how we played twenty questions during free period. Macey giggled with glee. "He likes you!" My eyes widened and I shook my head. "No, he doesn't. We literally just met, Mace. We can talk more about this _very far _possibility in a few months." Liz sighed. "But you guys already look like the perfect couple!" She paused. "I ship it," the three of them said in unison.

When I said the clowns were the strangest thing I had ever come across, I was wrong because now this moment topped it.

We went back to the table, me blushing crazily again and them smiling just as crazily as we walked in. And by some strange coincidence, I ended up sitting next to Zach, who was chatting away happily with the guys. "So. Did you girls talk about me?" he asked, and I choked on the bread I was chewing. "_No_, we were not," I replied. "Whatever you say, Gallagher Girl." The girls' eyes widened and I could tell that they were enthused over the nickname. I sighed, and went to Social Studies/English after lunch with Zach, Liz, and Jonas. The boys were talking about some new video game and console coming out soon, and Liz was just... Tripping over everything in her path.

Lizzie, I love you, but please try and be more coordinated.

"And welcome, welcome to SocStuEng!" Abby greeted us when we walked through the doors. I know; our teacher lets us call her by her first name. She's another one of my favorite teachers, but then again, I don't really dislike any of my teachers. "Ah. Zach Goode. I'm assuming that since it's already fourth period, too many people already know your name so there really is no point in introductions. Have a seat, next to Cammie here." She grinned when she found out I was his tour guide and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "You guys are cute together." She laughed when I turned bright red and walked with my head down to my seat.

"I want to focus on English today, so, LET'S ATTRIBUTE!" She wrote 'ATTRIBUTION' in big, loopy capital letters on her smart board. "What is attribution?" She opened a PowerPoint on the screen and tapped for it to move to the next slide. "You are citing your source. Whether you do it directly or indirectly, it's important to do it right." She paired us in groups of four and passed out two tablets to each group, winking at me when she put Jonas, Liz, Zach, and I in a group. "Your assignment: find five pieces of dialogue online and attribute your quotes. This is something really big you need to learn how to do in both technical and creative writing!" Her PowerPoint slide now showed ways to attribute. The task was easy, and Zach and I completed it easily. Abby smirked when she saw how well we were working together, and it seemed like forever until we were dismissed for our final period, P.E.

Coach Townsend blew his whistle after we had all changed into our P.E. clothes. "New student, Zach Goode. Now, run two laps!" Coach Townsend is really... Straight to the point. He states everything bluntly and straightforward, which had its benefits sometimes. He had us play game after game of volleyball, and called Zach, Macey, Grant, Liz, Preston, Bex, Jonas, and our classmates Anna, Marcus, Audrey, Peter, Graham, Rylee, John, Tina, and I out. "You sixteen are my best. Eight on each team, play a round, whichever team wins gets the option of being coaches for the week, or skipping P.E. for a week. Losers do an extra lap for a week." All my friends and I grouped together, and our natural relationships with each other helped us to win. We all skipped; of course we did.

* * *

It turns out, Principal Bailey lives next door to me. Which meant Zach would too. When I got home, my dad was waiting for me by the door, a beer bottle clutched tightly in his hand, his knuckles turning white. His eyes were glazed over, and he slapped me when I walked in. This was normal. It happened every time I got home from school. He would ask where I was, I would say school, he would accuse me of lying and would send me to my room, where I would use the pen.

Zach waved at me from his window, across from mine. I dropped the pen and bent down to pick it up. Zach disappeared from view for a few moments, and then came back with a pad of paper and a thick black Sharpie. He wrote on the paper for a few moments, then turned it around so I could read it.

_What are you doing right now?_

I grabbed my own paper pad and showed it to him.

_Not much. Why aren't you just texting me?_

_Because maybe I want to be a cliche._

_Original much?_

_Did you know? I'm on YouTube. Come over and help me make a video?_

I nodded and held up a hand. _Five minutes._

He was already filming when I walked in. "Hey guys, the hot and talented Zachary Goode here. And I have a friend with me today!" I took it as a cue and I leaned in front of the camera and waved. "Hi." Zach laughed and patted the spot on his bed next to him. "Cammie, my people. My people, Cammie. We are going to talk about school!" I nodded, feeling a little bit weird talking to a camera but feeling slightly more comfortable because I wasn't doing it alone. "As you guys probably know, I'm in high school, so is Cammie. And I actually like my new school!" I smirked. "That's only because I'm there, idiot." He rolled his eyes and pointed at me. "This is the reason I'm scared of school." We both laughed, but I couldn't help feeling that there was a little force in my actions. When we finished the video, Zach looked at me, a bit confused. "What was that? You hesitated a little bit..." He trailed off. I shook my head and reassured him that I was okay before heading back home. Hopefully Zachary Goode was the kind of person that just shook off little things like that.

But he wasn't.

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**Thanks for reading; RFRF!**


	3. Chapter 3

There's always going to be a reason why people do things. For me, I do the pen to distract myself from my mental pain to instead struggle from something physical. Students try and get good grades to make their parents proud. We eat food because we're hungry. So why was Zachary Goode... Him?

My dad struck me across the face when I walked in the front door. Mistake number one. Note to self: Take the back door next time. "Cameron. Where were you?" I put a hand to my cheek, hoping the warmth would soften the sting. Grant had taken to drinking a few years ago because of my dad, and he was passed out on the kitchen counter. I hated that it was all my dad's fault that my family was broken.

Wait, no. It's not my family. It's not anyone's family. It couldn't be, because this wasn't what family did.

"I was at the new neighbors'. They... invited me over." He punched my stomach. "Liar," he hissed. "Why can't you be like your brother? He's always been better than you." He continued to taunt me, much like my mother did to him before she left. He knew how much I looked up to Grant.

"You are a horrible child. How could anyone ever want you? You'd be better off dead than alive, you'll make life better for everyone here. You'd make _Grant_ happier."

He punched me once; twice. I ran from him, to my room, but stopped in the bathroom to grab my dad's pills. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was bloody, bruised. Hair was matted against my cheeks, sticking to my tears. I stood in my bedroom, and opened the bottle. My dad's words echoed in my head, only confirming thought I had been thinking for years. _Everyone would be happier if I was gone. I'm causing my family to struggle financially, I'm causing people to worry about me. I'm just making their life worse... I want to make Grant happy. _I stood in front of my window, which was wide open. Zach's window shade was up, so I knew that if he just looked out the window, he would see me.

I told myself that I was doing this purposely. That I was doing this so that I could test Zach. If he saw me, what would he do? This was my reason.

This wasn't the first time I had attempted suicide.

One was bleach. When mom was still here. I had combined it with water and yellow food dye, making it look like lemonade so that if I survived, I could tell people that I thought it was lemonade. I drank it in the kitchen to make it look less suspicious. She saw me choke and smelled my lemonade, recognizing the scent and called 911. They pumped out my stomach, and I told them that I thought it was lemonade. They believed me.

Two was alcohol. I was a lightweight, so I drank and drank and drank until passing out, hoping that I wouldn't wake up. But I did; I was in the hospital yet again.

Three was food. I was allergic to shrimp, but I was the only one who knew. So when we bought shrimp, I ate a pound of it and ended up in the hospital.

Now I was holding the pills, number five. Substance abuse. Zach was lying down on his bed; he didn't see me.

I poured the contents of the bottle into my hand. Twelve pills. I felt the weight of the pills, realized that this might be my last breath, my last feeling, my last emotion. I shut my eyes, only to open them again and see that Zach wasn't in his room anymore. I sighed and shoved my hand and the pills into my mouth.

_Goodbye, world._

I was pushed onto the ground, and someone forced their arm against my neck, forcing me to spit. "Cammie," Zach barked. He turned me around to look at him. We were both breathing hard, his arms around me as I lay on the ground. "Zach?" His cheeks were pink, and his expression was so concerned. He moved one hand to cup my face, and the other one still circled under my waist, pressing against my back. "Did you swallow any?" He demanded, and I shook my head slowly. He sighed and pulled me up and to him, holding me tightly. I pulled away. "What are you doing here?" I asked him, and he ran a hand through his hair. "I saw you."

"But how did you know?"

He shook his head. I hadn't realized it before, but I was sitting with my knees pressed against my chest in his lap.

"I didn't." He hugged me again. "But you're a good actress."

I didn't smile. He rubbed my back, and I let him. "Can you stay?" I asked. He nodded, and we sat there in silence for a few minutes until he spoke again. "Why?" He asked. I stood up. "Not here, and please, not now." I stared at a stain in his shirt that I had made with my tears. "But someday." He looked at me. "Promise me that."

"Promise."

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**Oh wow, 873 words. Sorry it's so short; but hey, the story's not over yet! RFRF!**


	4. Chapter 4

I stared at the plain white wall in my bedroom, pretending I was some famous YouTuber with over a million subscribers. I was home alone again; my dad was probably out at some club. I half hoped he would drive home and crash. Grant was hanging out with Jonas and Preston, sleeping over with them overnight. He had invited Zach, but apparently Zach shook off the offer.

I had been watching Zach's previous YouTube videos, and they were good. One of his videos was titled "That's Just How Goode I Am," and it was super funny. It was a little Q&amp;A, and he revealed a bunch of weird things about him, most of which I had learned about in twenty questions. No wonder he had 2.8 million subscribers. He started each one out the same way. "Hey guys, the hot and talented Zachary Goode here." And I couldn't help but notice that he also smirked in every video. But I still subscribed. No doubt he would see that I subscribed and make some cocky remark about it to me tomorrow.

"Hi! If this is your first time watching my videos, I'm Cammie Morgan. And today, I'm going to talk about perfection. Honestly, I don't think there is such thing as perfection. As in, no such thing as being perfect to everyone." I heard someone knock on the front door, and I stood up to go get it.

"Hey. Saw you talking to a wall. And I brought my camera. Want to make a video?" I nodded, and Zach set up his supplies in my room. He smirked a bit. "I'm not going to be in this video, because this seems like your first. I'll be in your tenth. Or second." I smiled a little. "Oh, and I'm going to post the video a little later." I was still a little mad at him that he wasn't letting me see the video until he had posted it. "And when I saw you talking to a wall and suspected you were going to be on YouTube soon, I recorded a short segment to tell my subscribers to subscribe to you, too." I laughed quietly. Somehow, he could predict my every move. He finished his set up and sent a quick thumbs up in my direction, he was recording.

"Hi! I'm Cammie Morgan, and I'm guessing most of you are here because of my friend, Zach Goode. He's right here, helping me with my first video." I stood up and dragged him so he was in front of the camera. "Here's proof. Anyways-" I let him go and sat back down in front of the camera. "I honestly have no idea how to start your very first YouTube video. But I'll try. I'm going to tell you about..." I looked at Zach.

"What do I talk about?" I asked. He shrugged. "Talk about school. Like, the top ten things kids need to do at the start of the school year." I nodded, and moved to the middle of my bed and threw my hands up. "School!" I fell backwards. "Yay," I said ever so sarcastically. I sat back up again and moved to the front of the bed. "Here are the top ten things you need to know and establish at the start of the school year." I went to the right side of the bed.

"One." I held up my index finger and shook it in front of the camera. "Find and make new friends. Yeah, yeah, super typical and overly obvious. But you need to make friends. The more you make, the more popular you get, the more social credits you get, et cetera." I held up two thumbs up. "So make some friends."

I moved to the left side of my bed now, and held up my index and middle finger. "Two! Find your way around the school. If you get lost, and your school is humongous like mine, then getting lost is absolutely horrible. So get to know your school grounds."

I switched my position on the bed for each number I did, and held up the number in proper ASL fashion.

"Ten! Be yourself. Relax. I don't know how much I can emphasize this. But wherever you are, be yourself. People will like you for who you are, don't change for them, or for anyone. If they don't like you, that's their problem, not yours." I smiled. "And that's my list of top ten! I'll make another video next week on Monday! Don't forget to subscribe, to my channel and the wonderful Zachary Goode's, and I'll put my social media links down below! See you next week!" I waved goodbye to the camera, and laughed when Zach turned it off.

"You were a natural!" He complimented, and I grinned. "Why, thank you. Can I borrow your materials every Monday?" He nodded. "We should totally make a collab channel. That'd be so cool." I nodded vigorously, and he smirked at my expression. "Come over. We can edit your video." I smiled and helped him carry his supplies next door to his room.

"Cut it here... Yeah, text there. Um... Ooh, Pupcat! I love Pupcat font!" Zach would laugh every now and then at how excited I got about little details; like the font. It wasn't long until the video was perfect, and at the part where I had asked people to subscribe to Zach and I, he put text over my face that said "Click Here to SUBSCRIBE" and linked it to my subscribe button. He added in a thumbnail with his face on it, with the same link. Zach also helped me to shape my channel to make it as-me-as-possible and was my first subscriber. I typed in the description and posted the video at the exact same time Zach did, and we watched each other's videos, his first. People were commenting on his video every few minutes, and at least half of all the comments were directed to me.

"OMIGOSH you guys r soooo cute together"

"Ship it!" Those two comments each had 42 likes and counting.

"Back off, Morgan, Goode is mine! Jk you guys are cute together but still..."

"woah, hmu cammie" Zach and I reddened when we read that comment. For him, I have no idea why.

"uber cute video! Plzplzplz be in more videos, cammie! 3 u need a ship name... ZAMMIE!" That comment was at the top of the feed, 100+ likes and 24 and counting replies.

I did agree with her, I thought the video was really good. I didn't look absolutely ugly, and if I were a complete stranger, I would've thought that Zach and Cammie were or were going to be a little more than friends. The way they teased each other, and what looked like flirting... Maybe it was. Maybe we were flirting with each other. The video had only 268 dislikes, had 12,950 likes already, and all I could do was gape at how popular Zach was. There were even a few commenters bragging at how they had already subscribed to my channel.

By the end of the day, I had 23,582 subscribers, all thanks to Zach.

Thank you, Zachary Goode, for that.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, and RFRF!**


	5. Chapter 5

I occupy most of my time lying in bed with contemplating life. But this night was different. It wasn't the contemplation of the events in life, but the contemplation of my life, if that makes any sense.

_Why is my life so important? Does anyone even care? Zach cares. But why? He barely knows me._

Admittedly, we got sort of closer after the YouTube video. Maybe an unspoken bond. I turned the light on in my room. Dad wasn't home yet. I grabbed my headphones, a pen, and my sketch pad. I liked to think I was particularly good at drawing. So I connected the headphones to my phone, opened my Pandora app, selected the Teen genre, and drew.

I started with a simple eye. It did look sort of like Zach's, so I started to draw him. I found portrait photos of him online, so I took his basic features and pulled back memories from earlier of his position while behind his video camera. I added depth to his cheekbones by shading, and indented around his Adams apple. He had a prominent chin, and his nose was only slightly bigger than what would be perfectly proportioned to his face. His hair didn't fall on his head like a mop; it scattered around in a seemingly perfect way. He did have a slight implication of dimples, so I added those in too. I drew him in a wrinkled blue and green polo, and light orange shorts that were loose off his thighs. He was crouching down a bit in my drawing and he held up his thumb to the viewer. His right eye looked slightly smaller than his left eye, because his smirk lifted higher on the right side of his face, bunching his eye up a bit. I pulled my pen away from my drawing, proud of my work. I checked my phone, 10:26. Zach's bedroom light was on too, so I texted him.

_Come over._

He couldn't have replied faster. _Mmkay. Open your door._

I smiled to myself as I bounded down the stairs, unlocking the front door for Zachary Goode, clad in gray sweats and a cheap red shirt. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to my room, covering his eyes before handing him the drawing. "Wow. Who's this hottie?" He asked, and I rolled my eyes. "Like it?" He nodded. "You're talented with a pen and paper." He took the paper with him as he left. My room felt smaller, lonelier. I hadn't noticed before. I pulled my curtain away from my window, and watched Zach enter his room. He placed the drawing on the scanner in his room, and I'm assuming he scanned it due to the faint purple light I saw. I wondered what he was going to do with it. He stood up after scanning it, but stopped when he saw me watching and smirked. I jerked away from the window, covering it with the blue-green curtain. My cheeks burned with embarrassment. It took a while for me to recover from my brief humiliation and relax. But my thoughts took the best of me yet again when I turned off the lights.

_Depression. It's not like I always feel depressed. More like I feel depressed most of the time, and then have those few moments when my mood is happy and I forget about my depression. What happens if you don't treat it? It's a mental illness, right? What happens? How does it start? I'm so confused... I'm hungry. Dad should die. When's Grant coming back? Probably like six in the morning. Wake me up early, Grant._

A man stumbled into my room, his eyes shining bright. I squinted in the dark, trying to see who he was.

But all I saw was panic etched into the expression on his face.

* * *

**And an even shorter chapter from past me; cool. Thanks for reading, and RFRF!**


	6. Chapter 6

Zach.

"You wrote it, didn't you? You were the one that wrote it?" I frowned, confused. "Excuse me?"

"I know it was you! You were the one who wrote that poem; I read it in sixth grade." He began to recite the poem that I had entered in a competition years ago. I regretted writing every word of it, even though I had won.

"A smile is a tool, used by you..." I heard him continue the poem, but read it in full in my head.

_A smile is a tool_

_Used by you_

_To hide the pain_

_To hide what's been slain_

_To hide the fear you cower from_

_The depth you hide you hide behind_

_The life you live remains a lie_

_You count your words, your breaths, your lies_

_You count the ones you leave behind_

_You sit in shame, alone, in vain_

_Your eyes deceive you_

_Your mind deceives you_

_Your heart is too easily deceived._

I can only nod. He sighs. "I've been trying to find who wrote that poem for years. You have no idea... I'm sorry for bursting in like this." He left silently, and I was confused yet again.

It was all too quiet when he left. Perhaps it was only a figment of my imagination.

Dad didn't come home last night. So he was either still out drinking, passed out on a stranger's couch, or dead. Grant woke me up, ruffled my hair. "Morning Camster. Did you do anything fun last night?" I sat up, the covers of my bed clinging to my skin. I rubbed my eyes, and knew that I was just getting my hair even more messed up when I shook it out and ran a hand through it. "Zach came over last night... Did you know he's a YouTuber?" Grant smiled. "I do now. So what'd you guys do?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive way. I shoved him, laughing. "We were just making videos! Ew, I swear, you have the dirtiest teenage mind ever." We laughed together, and I spotted subtle movement at the edges of my peripheral vision. Grant had pushed my curtains to the side earlier, allowing pink, orange, and yellow sunlight haze to leak in- and also happened to provide a perfect view into Zach's bedroom. He was watching Grant and I, and I gave him a short wave, grabbing a Sharpie and a piece of paper.

_Ride with us to school today?_

He nodded, and Grant watched our mute interaction. "You guys are already just as close as you and Bex. How did that happen?" I laughed and pushed him out of my room. "I'm gonna change," I said, and he chuckled. "Sure, kick your brother out of the room, but keep your window open to allow an almost stranger watch you change. Thanks, Cam. Love you too!" I shrieked and closed my curtains as I pulled on denim shorts and an Abercrombie shirt.

"Morning Cammie; Grant. Thanks for bringing Zach to school today," Principal Bailey yelled from her home, the door open as Zach left with a green backpack slung over his right shoulder as he closed the door. Principal Bailey managed to let out a few coughs, she wasn't coming to school today. She was sick. "Ditto what she said. I have bagels, if you want them," Zach offered to us, handing Grant and I blueberry bagels with strawberry cream cheese. "Hey Zach. Cam told me you were on YouTube. You know, she talks about you _all the time_-" I covered his mouth with my hand. "_No_, I don't. And you were the one who brought it up, anyways," I said, the statement coming out more defensive than I had planned it to be. And of course he had to use that against me.

"A little defensive there, eh, Gallagher Girl?" I wanted to slap the stupid cocky smirk off his face.

Grant and Zach engaged in a conversation; gossip. Grant started to warn him about the girls he should stay away from. "Mostly Tina and her clique. They're not mean, they can just get annoying sometimes. And Tina's not a good girl to date. She's hooked up with practically every sophomore, excluding Jonas, Preston, a few other guys, and I. And, well, now you." Grant was only ten months older than me. Zach laughed. "Okay. I'll be wary of her. More time spent with you then, right, Gallagher Girl?" he joked, turning around from the shotgun seat to look at me with my legs crossed and a perturbed look contently set on my face.

Mr. Solomon handed out laptops in science. "Today: Research. Tomorrow: Research. Thursday: Drafts, and Friday: Drafts. We'll work on finals next week, Monday through Wednesday, and then presentations on Thursday and Friday."

I logged into my account, and asked the great Google about climate change. And since Zach and I also had to write about what kids were doing about climate change, we found articles written about and by kids online.

Lunch came too quickly. And it turns out, all the girls staring at Zach on the first day of school were also staring at him and taking a double take, thinking he looked a bit too much like Zachary Goode, YouTuber. And now they had seen me on his video. And they had subscribed to me. Which had its pros and cons, but majority towards the pro side of the ever tipping scale.

"Hey, Zach Goode, right? I'm Tina." Zach glanced at Grant and I before smiling. "The one and only. Nice to meet you, Tina." She looked at me and back to him. "I saw your YouTube video. It was cool." She leaned closer to Zach. "I wouldn't mind making a video with you," she said, licking her lips before strutting away. All of us around the table were holding in laughs, we didn't exactly want to embarrass Tina. But when she walked away with that attitude and swinging her hips just a little, our efforts escaped from us and we burst out in long fits of laughter. I was gasping for air in between laughs. "Did... You... See... Her... Face?!" Macey laughed, and Preston smirked. "More importantly, what's that redness climbing up your cheeks, Zach?" We all turned to look at Zach, and sure enough, he was blushing. "Ooh, does little Zachary have a crush?" Grant joked, and we all laughed harder. Zach blushed even more. "Not on her," he murmured, not thinking we could hear. Maybe everyone else didn't hear, but I did. _I wonder who he has a crush on..._

The day went by too quickly, and I found myself alone in my room again, headphones, Pandora, and sketchpad in hand. I rarely saw Zach close his window anymore, so I could see him as he got in his room, tape in hand. He moved out of sight, and I naturally assumed he was taping something up onto his wall. He saw me watching, picked up his own note pad, and held up the note he had written yesterday.

_Want to come over?_

I smiled and soon found myself standing on his front porch. Principal Bailey opened the door, dressed in sweats, a purple fluffy nightgown, tissues in one hand and a TV remote in the other. "Hey Cammie," she said in a muffled voice. "Zach's upstairs. Hey, wait," she said, and I turned back towards her, one foot on the first step and the other one still on the ground. "Zach talks about you a lot..."

"_Bailey_!" Zach yelled from upstairs, presumably hearing her. She covered her mouth with her tissue filled hand. "Oops. Why don't you go up, wouldn't want you to catch my cold." I nodded and looked up, seeing Zach leaning over the railing, watching me. "Have you seen the stats?" He asked, and I jogged up the stairs, following him to his room. I hadn't really noticed the details of his room before. His walls were mostly bare, he had a wooden guitar in the far right corner, and he had actually taped up the picture I had drawn of him. He had a glass corner desk, and his HP Ultrabook was propped open to the video on his channel. His bed was made, pajamas folded neatly. "Look at this. 573,935 views already, the likes have gone up, and read the comments!" He looked so excited, and I laughed.

"omg how adorbsss"

"love ur channel, cammie"

"lol I subscribed cuz of cammie"

"are they dating?"

And a few comments from fellow YouTubers.

From what I had seen, none of the comments were mean or hurtful, just extremely nice. Zach ruffled my hair. "Looks like you're famous now, Gallagher Girl. You have over 30,000 subscribers." I gasped. "Really?! That's so cool!" I sat down on his quite comfy desk chair, and picked up a newly printed piece of paper. "What's this?" I asked, scanning the paper, then dropping it. "Why did you type up my poem?" I asked him, standing up abruptly. "It's been typed up for a while, I just printed it now-"

"I'm sorry; I have to go." I left him standing there, running down the stairs and out of his home. Grant opened the door to our house, and started to question me, but I pushed him away and kept running, locking the door to my bedroom behind me and closing the curtains so Zach wouldn't see me cry.

I said earlier that I had attempted suicide before. I listed the first three, and said substance abuse was my fifth. Because there was a fourth.

There are lots of different things you can do with rope. You can tie it to a tire, and a tree, make it into a tire swing. Or you can use rope to tie things together. But in my case, I didn't use it for either.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I wrapped the heavy rope slowly around the old hook in the ceiling. Then I twisted it around my neck. I had just started to pull on one end, but let go. I let go, and the tightness around my neck disappeared. The hook it was hanging from was decrepit, so it fell from the ceiling easily. The rope and the hook fell to the ground, with a soft thud and a clink. I let go. For a reason I haven't been able to place yet.

I wrote the poem after that attempt. I never wanted to hear it again, because it only reminded me of how weak I was.

I didn't want to be weak.

Weakness was not an option.

But acting was.

So I walked out of the room and stashed the rope and hook under my bed.

They're still there. I haven't thrown them away. I need a subtle reminder of what weakness looks like.

So I can avoid it.

So I can act.

So I can stay strong.

* * *

**Thanks for reading; RFRF!**


	7. Chapter 7

"GO. AWAY," I yelled at Grant from under the soft covers of my bed. He was in my room. And he was insisting that I get up for school. "CAMMIE MORGAN GET YOUR LAZY BUTT UP AND OUT OF BED OR ELSE WE'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL." I shook my head, even though I knew he couldn't see me. He sighed, and I heard him leave. It wasn't long until I heard two pairs of footsteps enter my room. A figure crouched down so he was level with my shielded face. Dad was still gone.

"You gotta get up, Gallagher Girl," Zach said. I groaned. "Nooooooooooooo I. Don't. Wanna." I could tell he was smirking when he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, is it that time of month again?"

I threw away my covers and sat up faster than the peregrine falcon on its full blown dive. Zach was cocky enough not to have flinched, but Grant knew better. "Uh... Zach..." When he saw my death glare, he pointed to the door. "Good luck, man. I'm gonna go." And he ran for his life, the smartest move he had ever made. And I said with the most menacing voice I could muster,

"Zachary, dear. Care to repeat what you said earlier?"

His facial expression was priceless.

It was even funnier when I had strapped him to a chair and started applying one of my face masks to his ugly face. I tied his hands together behind his back so he wouldn't be able to escape.

* * *

We were late to school. But Principal Bailey excused us when she saw what I did. I earned a high five. "Hey Zach, you know, you shouldn't be mad at Cam. She did you a favor." The two of us laughed in unison, and our laughter echoed through the halls.

There was a thought in the back of my mind that suddenly came up as soon as I had started to laugh.

Sometimes the biggest smiles hide the biggest tears.

Here's the thing: You typically can't tell who's really suffering and who isn't. For some people, you might be able to tell. And for others, you won't, maybe because they've been hiding it for so long, they've become natural actors and actresses. So you won't usually be able to tell. You can ask them, but I know that depending on who asked me, I might not tell them if I have it or not.

But then again, I've never been asked.

Principal Bailey was an awfully happy person. And maybe it was only something a particularly observant person could see, but there was a slight falter after she finished laughing. I don't know if Zach heard it, but I did. Principal Bailey. Looks like I'm not the only one with secrets. However, I think that everyone has that one secret they just can't tell anyone.

Just as there are reasons why we do something, there are also reasons why we lie, why I lie.

And a lot of the time, it's to protect the people we love.

"Glad to see you join us-" Mr. Solomon stopped short when he looked up from his busy work and saw Zach. Don't think I can't see you hiding back a laugh, Mr. Solomon. He fought back a smile and tried to turn it into a frown. "I don't necessarily appreciate having students in my class... Attend to their skin, but perhaps... Perhaps this time I can make a... Slight exception." And then he smiled, and the song "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" was playing in my head. "Keep that on for 24 hours at least, Zach, and your skin will be beautiful." Zach glared at me, and continued to do so throughout the day.

* * *

"Ew, Zach. Glaring gives you wrinkles," Macey said when she saw him. Then she winked at me. "I approve of your choice of facial mask. It's all the rage in Europe." Our table laughed at Zach every second of lunch. "You're not having a very _Goode_ third day, are you, Zach?" Bex asked, still laughing. He managed to get his hands free after school, though.

* * *

"_Ew!_"

I had been mentally scarred for life, with a scenario that I never wanted to be in again, and a situation I never thought I would see when coming back home after school. I was scarred with the image of my best friend and _brother_ making out in my kitchen. _The kitchen_. _On the kitchen island_. _I am never touching that thing ever again_. _They were making out on the kitchen island_.

"Um... Hey, Cam. What are you... What are you doing downstairs?" Grant asked, trying to look casual and failing miserably. Bex was blushing, averting her eyes from my gaze.

"In case you didn't know, Grant, _I live here_. And I _did not expect to see my best friend and brother making out on the kitchen counter!_" Bex looked mad at me for making that comment. "Best friend, huh? So why are you spending practically every free minute you have with Zach? What about your 'best friend?'" She made quotation marks in the air when she said best friend. "_Me_?! _You want to blame this on me_?! I'm showing Zach around the school; it's not my fault that we have the same classes, _Rebecca._"

She knew I only used Rebecca when I was really mad at her, which, thankfully, was typically rare.

"Do you think I'm really bloody jealous?" I shrugged. "I can read you like the back of my hand, Bex." She smirked. "I can read you just as well if not better."

Our eyes locked. "Can you Bex? Can you really?"

That was how I found myself knocking on Zach's bedroom door. "Come on, Zach, you can't still be mad at me," I pleaded. He had locked his door. "Zach? Don't give me the silent treatment, it was just a joke... Zach?"

You know that feeling you get when you can tell someone's about to try and prank you? I got that feeling. So when his door flew open and I saw him throw a bucket of water at me, I purposely made myself fall backwards and pretend to hit my head on the wall, and pretended to black out.

"Oh my gosh, Cammie? I'm so sorry, ack, what do I do?! _Bailey, something happened_... Oh gosh, are you unconscious? Cammie? Cammie, can you hear me?"

I opened my eyes and roared, expecting to scare him but instead screaming myself due to his clown mask and my paralyzing fear of clowns.

I screamed, falling down so I was lying down on the floor. "_Zach!_" And guess what he was holding?

A video camera.

He pointed it back towards him. "And that, my friends, is how you achieve revenge on Cammie Morgan." He closed his camera and winked at me. "Didn't think I would see what you would do next, did you, Gallagher Girl?" I groaned in frustration and he pulled off the mask.

I was angry now.

Let World War three begin. But first, a phone call.

"Is this Cameron Morgan?"

"This is she, who is calling?"

"I'm Garrett Faders, I work with the local police department. I'm phoning you to request an interview with you and your brother, Grant."

"And why would an associate of the police need to do an interview?"

"More of an investigation."

"An investigation of what?"

"Were you not informed? Of the death of Rachel Morgan."

I dropped the phone. _The death of Rachel Morgan._

* * *

**Thanks for reading; RFRF!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Shoot," the man said on the other end, sucking in air through his teeth then abruptly stopping the airflow. It was then that I realized just how young he really was. "I am so sorry, Ms. Morgan. The department was supposed to notify you hours ago... I'm so sorry. I will call back at a later, perhaps more convenient time."

He hung up, and Zach studied my face. "What was that phone call about, Gallagher Girl? You look a little... Shocked."

I blinked once, twice, but didn't answer.

"Uh... Cammie? You okay?"

I shook my head, then stumbled forward when I had tried to walk. Zach caught me in his arms. "This better not be another prank," he said.

"It's not. Zach... You can... You can drive, right?"

He nodded.

"Take me to the police department."

I didn't answer any of his questions in his car, didn't speak.

"What happened" or "Who was it" questions were not answered.

"Why the police station" or "What did the person say" questions were not answered.

"Will you speak at all" questions were left answered.

Eventually he gave up, and walked with me to the tall, metal, double doors. A short burst of cool air greeted us when we walked in, and a stout woman with wire rimmed glasses looked at us through her lenses. I tripped again, and Zach shifted his arm to wrap around my waist, supporting me.

"How can I _halp_ you?" Her accent faded in briefly. I closed my eyes, and Zach squeezed me a bit against him. "Um... Is... Garrett Faders here?" She smiled. "Do you have an appointment?" I glanced at Zach. "He... Requested to meet me. Not necessarily now." One eyebrow raised, she asked for our names. "Cameron Morgan."

"And the young man?"

"Zachary Goode."

She typed our names into the computer, and eventually picked up her corded phone hesitantly. "_Mistah Fadahs?_ Ah... _Camerahn Morgahn_ and Zachary Goode-" Wow, no accent in Zach's name. "-are here to see you," she said.

Her eyes widened. "Yes, sir. I will show them to your office." She stood up from her desk and stepped around it. "Come with me. I will take you to his _ahfice_."

An elevator ride with too soft music to the third floor, and navigating through many, many hallways, yet another metal door was the only thing standing in between me and the man who had answers.

He was younger than I had expected, maybe only a few years older than Zach. He was sitting behind a long conference desk in the center of the room, a laptop propped open in front of him. His feet were up on the table, crossed. He quickly took his feet of the table when he saw Zach and I enter and stood up, stretching a hand out to us. Zach cautiously shook it.

"Cameron Morgan and Zachary Goode? I'm Garrett Faders-"

"What happened to my mother?" I demanded, desperate to know. Zach's eyes widened. His lips moved subtly as he thought to himself.

Garrett slowly withdrew his hand. "Here. Sit." Zach pulled my chair out for me as Garrett sat back down and closed his laptop, pushing it to the side.

"Rachel Morgan... We don't know the details of how she died yet. But we do know was that one of our officers found her body lying in a ditch a few days ago. There were no clues to who did it, nothing. We wanted to conduct an interview with you and your brother to see if you had any information for us." I saw him search my eyes for some clue or lie.

"I don't know if I have the information you need..." I looked at Zach. "I'm sorry, but... Can you please... Go?" Zach nodded slowly and stood up, leaving the room. "I'll be waiting in the car," he whispered to me before leaving.

"I don't know if I have the info you need. But I will tell you this: My father is an alcoholic, addicted to whatever substance he can lay his sticky little fingers on. The last time I had seen my mother, they had argued and my father kicked her out of our house. But I haven't seen him in two or three days. I don't know if my brother has either. I don't think he has. If you were to pick any suspects, I'd pick him." Garrett nodded. "But you and your brother are minors, correct?" I paled. I knew where it was going. Child welfare services would come and take us away.

When in doubt, act.

Or lie.

"Mr. Faders, we have Bailey Goode as our guardian when our dad is gone."

I kept my heart rate steady, looked the man in the eye and didn't fidget. Because after years of lying, you learn a few tricks to make your lies more believable.

And he nodded sincerely. "Alright. Another question, what was your home life with your father like?" I bit my lip. I could tell him, I could tell him now. But there was someone I needed to tell first, so I declined to comment. He pursed his lips together. "Very well. I also want to talk to your brother, and I will phone you if anything comes up."

I walked out of his office on wobbly feet. I wanted Zach there, to support me.

He didn't ask questions in the car. He knew what my situation was like. It wasn't until he pulled up in his driveway that he spoke.

"You're not alone," he said once we were parked in the driveway. He put a hand on my shoulder, but I didn't turn to look at him. "You're not alone."

I want to be alone.

But maybe my want is the complete opposite of my need.

**Thanks for reading; RFRF!**


	9. Chapter 9

Zach and I didn't talk or communicate until after school on Monday, when he brought his filming materials to my parentless home. Grant was out with Bex, apparently they were now "official."

"So I lied to Garrett," I said while he set up.

"Faders?"

"No, Hudson. Yeah, him."

"What was the lie?"

"Um... I said that... Principal Bailey was Grant's and mine guardian."

He looked up from his work. "One, why. Two, what makes you think that my sister is a good guardian; and three, Bailey won't mind."

"To answer your questions, I'm not going to tell you now. Later. I think Principal Bailey-"

"Just call her Bailey," he interrupted. I propped my head up on my hands, as I was lying down on my bed, facing my friend.

"Okay then, if it bothers you so much."

"Gosh, it's weird enough having to hear people call her Principal Bailey five days a week during school, don't need to hear it after."

"Fine! Bailey took care of you, right?"

He smirked. "And you think she did a good job?" I blushed. "I... Never mind. Are you done?" He nodded. "Do you want to do a collab?" I shrugged. "I actually read through the comments on my video. People wanted me to talk about you." He fanned himself. "I'm so flattered," he said, sounding much like his sister when she called me into her office to show Zach around. It was interesting how I used to refer to him by his full name.

"Hi! I'm Cammie Morgan, and you guys wanted me to talk about my friend, Zachary Goode. And since he's here in the room with me, I'm going to have to ask him to leave." He stopped fanning himself. "What? But-" I pushed him out the door and blocked it by moving every heavy thing in my room in front of the door.

"Anyways, where was I? I think Zachary Goode is incredibly cocky, he wears his stupid smirk all the time, and knows how to piss me off easily. But despite him being all those things and many, _many_ more, Zach is awesome. His sister and him are so close, and he can be nice and chivalrous when he tries. And he has amazing followers like you, and he..." I sighed and absentmindedly started to play with my hair. "I don't know if I'll post this part. I'll probably cut it out later. But I... Enjoy his presence. Honestly, his chocolate hair and green eyes drive me crazy. He's hot, no doubt about that. He's such a hunk. And he is so sweet. Apparently he does have a crush on someone. I don't know if it's me or someone else. I do wish it's me, but I'm so... Average and... Not pretty." I looked down at my hands that lay folded in my lap. "I want to kill myself. I've attempted suicide five times. I think about suicide all the time. I haven't told anyone, not Zach. I can tell he suspects, though." I drew a deep breath. "That's it for this video, sorry it's so short. You can subscribe to me by clicking below or here on my face. Bye!"

I opened it on my computer, cut out the part about me having a crush on him. I unlocked the door, and walked over to his house, supplies in tow. "Can I borrow your laptop?" He nodded and we traded: his supplies for his laptop.

It wasn't until I started editing footage in the comfort of my room that I realized I hadn't removed my depression confession from the camera. My eyes darted around the room until they landed on the outlet by the door. Their shocked expressions only heightened my worry.

But a tiny part of me hoped he would see it.

* * *

**Thanks for reading; RFRF!**


	10. Chapter 10

Grant shook me awake in the middle of the night.

"Dad's home," he whispered, and I grabbed my phone and a red pen. He was already gripping his phone in his hand, his knuckles turning white.

The grunting downstairs had given it away, and so did the shuffling and slurred yells. Grant's eyes were filled with fear, and he pressed a finger to his lips. He pulled my hand and pointed to the window. _Jump_, his eyes said. _Jump_.

Because my father was dangerous now.

I flinched at each creak the house and window made as Grant pushed the window open. Footsteps grew louder as they lumbered upstairs. Grant grabbed my hand and squeezed it in assurance. We jumped, landing with a thud on the grass, yet dropping and rolling once making contact to prevent too much pain on our feet.

We darted hand in hand to his car, and he pulled his keys out of his right pocket. He revved the engine, drove away. I had called 911.

"Hello, 911. What is your emergency?" Her voice was so monotone, it sounded almost like a recording over the phone.

"Hi, I'm Cammie Morgan, there's a suspect in my house, Matthew Morgan, I believe Garrett Faders wanted him, the house is at 3952 Danbicker Way, my brother and I are driving away..."

"Miss, can you stay near the house? We'll send out a squad car."

"Yeah, yeah."

I awkwardly hung up, and Grant parked across the street on the side of the road. It was a waste to get in the car in the first place. Soon enough, two police cars barreled down the street, sirens blaring, red and blue flashing. I saw three officers, two male, one female, step out of the cars, and I saw Garrett sitting in the passenger seat of one of the cars, his eyes scanning the area until landing on me. He unbuckled his seatbelt, strode towards Grant and I. "Cammie," he said, nodding towards me. "You must be Grant. Garrett Faders, investigator. I work with the local police," he added at the end, shaking Grant's outstretched hand. He glanced at me briefly, a silent question of if I had told him. I looked away, which must have been answer enough for him.

"I'm afraid I have to be the one to inform you that your mother, Rachel Morgan, was found murdered about a week ago."

He said it with such a straight face, and pity barely dripped from his words. Grant was like me, his hands clenched into fists but he unclenched them when I placed a hand gently on his arm. He wouldn't cry here; not now. He was too brave for that, and I knew the feeling wouldn't settle in him until later. He closed his eyes and leaned against me, his head tilting so that his cheek rested on the top of my head. We wrapped an arm around each other. "How?" He asked. I didn't know how she had died either, and I saw Grant open his eyes so he could look Garrett in the eyes. "How?" He asked again, when Garrett didn't respond immediately.

"Her body was found in a ditch. On the side of the road. We still need to run an autopsy, but..." He broke away from Grant's gaze. "There were bottles of alcohol surrounding her. There were many fingerprints, and... We suspect Matthew."

He avoided answering our question and changed the subject.

"You kids have school tomorrow? I suggest you sleep at a neighbor's house, the officers may want to search your house." Grant and I nodded. "What about-"

"I'll ask them to bring over some of your clothes in the morning if they're still searching. Now I suggest you find a neighbor to bunk with for the night."

"I'll be happy to take them," a female voice rang out. The brown haired, blue eyed woman smirked like Zach. "Haven't seen you in a while, Garrett."

He blushed and kept a straight face, smiling softly when Bailey walked closer. "Miss Goode. I could say the same." She hugged him before turning towards Grant and I. "We have two guest rooms you two can bunk in. Zach should be awake, ask him to show you where the rooms are."

Zach was awake, sitting on his kitchen island (ew) eating strawberry yogurt, watching the TV in the living room across from him playing "White Chicks" on Netflix. When I stared at his yogurt, he shook it a bit. "I get hungry. Want some?" I shook my head and glanced towards the television. Grant followed my gaze and chuckled when he saw what was playing. "I haven't seen that movie in forever," he commented, laughing at the scene playing on the screen. "What is it about?" I asked, and the two teenage boys stared at me. "I disown you, Cammie," Grant said, and I rolled my eyes, sitting down on the couch.

"It's about these two FBI agents that are African-American and go undercover as these popular white girls. It gets a little racist, but it's so funny." Grant sat down carefully next to me. "That's one of the guys. And his wife calls in the dressing room, and she thinks he's-" I burst out in laughter. No spoilers, but it was so funny. Zach plopped down on the other side of me on the couch. "Forgot to ask. Why are you two here?" I pointed my thumb towards the door. "Bailey told us to take your guest rooms." He nodded, didn't ask anything else. "Well then, let me show you to your rooms."

Grant fell asleep on the bed of the first guest room, which meant I had to take the second one. "'Night," he said, and we retreated to our rooms.

I lay in bed for what seemed like ages, wondering. I eventually took the pen and used it, and drifted to sleep with five red marks on my arm. Just before I fell into deep sleep, I heard my door open and a weight sit next to me on my bed, smoothing down my hair and tucking the covers tighter around me. At first I thought it was Grant, but the smell of the person was different, musky but nice. And I probably would've heard Grant come to my room.

I woke up in a strange room, and slowly recalled the events of last night. Zach. Bailey. Garrett. Grant.

Dad.

The smell of sausage drifted upstairs to my room, and I assumed Bailey was cooking breakfast. But no, Zach was actually quite the chef.

My footsteps were silent down the stairs, and I studied Zach from afar. He was cooking sausages in one pan, an omelet in another, and had pancakes on a third non stick pan. He hummed to himself as he flipped a golden brown pancake, holding the pan handle and jerking it up abruptly, flipping the pancake, after shifting it on the pan. I smiled as he chuckled in approval of his skills.

"I was going to ask if you needed help, but looks like you don't," I said, walking towards him. If he was startled, he didn't show it. "How long have you been there?" He asked in a playful scolding voice. I shrugged. "Give or take five minutes. Or so." We laughed. "I could use an extra set of hands. Would you mind seasoning the omelets a little? The herbs are in that cupboard... Yeah, that one. You can throw in some parsley, basil..." I took the herbs, salt, pepper, and eyeballed the amount of ingredients I put in the omelet. I smiled, reminiscing when Liz had tried cooking when we were seventh graders. "What are you smiling about, Gallagher Girl?" Zach asked. I recounted the events of that day.

_"I've never really cooked before," Liz said. She was shorter than me by a few inches, always had been. We were standing in the kitchen of her house, looking at all the stuff in her pantry and fridge._

_Liz had suddenly decided she wanted to cook after watching Food Network for a week. "I feel like I understand cooking. Can't be too hard, right?"_

_I was planning on making eggs or something simple, but Liz had found a recipe online for mac and cheese_.

_Now, making mac and cheese should be quite simple, right? But no, Liz had to choose one of the most complex recipes online. She got macaroni pasta, cheddar and mozzarella cheese, salt, pepper, and breadcrumbs._

_She could boil water. She did boil the water. But when she put the macaroni in, she put too much, and burned the pasta. And she over salted it, over peppered it. She put breadcrumbs in at the wrong time and they ended up all mushy._

_Let's just say she set off the fire alarm four different times._

Zach laughed. "Poor Liz," he said between laughs. I laughed along with him, then grabbed a plate to put the omelet on. He had finished the sausage and the pancakes, and had them on matching plates. He picked a small piece of fresh parsley that was growing in a small pot in his kitchen, and garnished the omelet with it. "Just set it on the table-"

"_I smell food_!" Grant yelled, and he came barreling down the stairs. I slapped his arm when he stood in front of me. "Ow! I wasn't going to eat it anyways. Bex invited me for breakfast at some small place before school. Do you know where my clothes are or will I have to go back to the house?" Zach pointed to the coffee table in his living room, where clothes were laid out. "Thanks," Grant said, and left almost as quickly as he came.

Zach and I sat awkwardly at his dining table, eating our sausages, omelet, and pancakes.

"The pancakes are good," I said, trying to break the awkward silence. He nodded. "The omelets are good too," he said, and I smiled. I was the luckier child in my family, having not inherited my late mother's cooking skills.

"Mmm. That smells good," Bailey said, breaking our awkward silence. She grabbed a white plate and sat down with us. "Where's Grant?" She asked, placing some sausages and a little bit of the omelet on her plate. "He's out with his girlfriend," I said, saying it more bitterly than I would've liked to. Bex and I were in some unspoken fight. Bailey nodded, let the issue go, and soon we were out the door. There was still a police car sitting outside of my house. Zach raised his eyebrows when he saw the car and glanced at me. A police officer walked out, rubbing his eyes. He looked like he had been there all night, he probably was. Bailey ushered us into the car, and I sat alone in the back as Bailey drove us to school.

Grant and Bex were sitting on the steps outside of the school doors, and I saw Bex's eyes soften as she saw me. "Cammie..." She started, but I walked past her, not giving a second glance. "Cammie, wait," she said when I was right in front of the doors. Bailey was already inside, Zach lingered to stand by me. I swiveled towards her. "What do you want, Bex?" She bit her lip. "I'm sorry, Cam. We were having a stupid fight, I had no reason to get jealous. I'm sorry," she repeated. I smiled tightly. "Yeah. Just a stupid fight," I said, and walked into the school, Zach close behind me.

"You should make up with her," he said. I looked at him like I was confused. "What do you mean?" I asked. "You're not fooling anyone, Cam." The words hit me like a rock. "As I said before, you're a good actress. But you could always be better."

"Are we ready?" I asked Zach in science. He nodded, and we walked to the front of the room. "You two are our first presenters. Everyone else, I want you to pay attention to what their presenting. In other words, I want you to _notice things_."

In other words, we aced our first presentation and project of the year. Bex got a B, Macey got a C, and Liz got an A+ as always.

"What happened?" Zach finally decided to ask. We were sitting on his bed, just talking. "You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable," he continued, and I shook my head. "It's okay. You deserve to know the whole story."

I told him about my dad. Him being an alcoholic, and mentally evil.

I left out the part about me being suicidal. I wanted him to find that out for himself. I wanted to know if he cared, ever did or ever would.

And the most amazing thing happened.

There was no pity in his words, in his expression.

He said three words that would forever change me.

"You're not alone."

And he kissed me.

* * *

**Thanks for reading; RFRF!**


	11. Chapter 11

He was the first one to pull away. We sat there for a few minutes, just looking at each other, no expressions except feeling a little spontaneous. I wanted more, I wanted to tell him everything, I wanted him to _know_ everything, everything about me. But I couldn't tell him. And he understood that.

He was the first one to leave. He left me there, sitting, alone. It wasn't until he left that I felt the blush start to rise up my cheeks. Once I had finally grasped what had happened, panic started to set in. Was it good? Was it not? And a fading but prominent thought,

Did he feel the spark too?

I wanted him to. But too many factors stood in the way, and a part of my mind didn't trust him. Which was silly, I know. I couldn't help myself. But by falling in love, I was entrusting myself to reveal all my secrets to some handsome smirking boy that popped up in my school and is the brother of my school's principal, and my next door neighbor.

I'm laughing now. It's like every cliché book written. A girl, an average girl, falls in love with the hunk next door.

Could I trust him with my biggest secret?

"Hey," Zach said, knocking on the door lightly as he stepped in. He was still blushing, much like I was. "I want to show you something."

The start screen on his laptop glowed, and he opened up a video on YouTube. "I didn't know you listened to Avril Lavigne," I murmured. He smiled a little. "I don't. But someone showed me this video a while ago." I sat next to him, and squished against him on the chair.

_Darlin', you're hidin' in the closet once again_

_Start smilin', I know you're tryin' real hard_

_Not to turn your head away, pretty darlin'_

_Face tomorrow, tomorrow's not yesterday, yesterday_

_Pretty please, I know it's a drag_

_Wipe your eyes and put up your head_

_I wish you could be happy instead_

_There's nothing else I can do_

_But love you the best that I can_

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

_Darlin', I was there once a while ago_

_I know that it's hard to be stuck_

_With people that you love_

_When nobody trusts_

_Pretty please, I know it's a drag_

_Wipe your eyes and put up your head_

_I wish you could be happy instead_

_There's nothing else I can do_

_But love you the best that I can_

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that I can_

_And you're not the only one whose been through_

_I've been there alone and now so are you_

_I just want you to know, want you to know_

_It's not your fault, it's not your fault_

_Your fault, your fault_

_It's not your fault, your fault_

_Your fault, your fault_

_Pretty please, I know it's a drag_

_Wipe your eyes and put up your head_

_I wish you could be happy instead_

_There's nothing else I can do_

_But love you the best that I can_

_Pretty please, I know it's a drag_

_Wipe your eyes and put up your head_

_I wish you could be happy instead_

_There's nothing else I can do_

_But love you the best that I can, that I can_

_Darlin', you're hidin' in the closet once again_

_Start smilin'_

He turned to look at me, and I felt a tear slip down my cheek. "Zach..." He shook his head, and pulled me to him, hugging me, eventually moved from his desk chair to his bed, and still enveloped me in his arms. "It's okay, Gallagher Girl." He smoothed my hair, held my wet cheek against his. "It's okay," he said again.

I stayed with him, didn't want to leave him. I felt safe with him, I felt at home with him. I could feel an emotion with him that I could never describe, one that may not even exist but I felt existed because I felt it. I could tell Zach felt it too. And I could sense he had scars, too. Scars that allowed him to empathize. Because to me, empathy is more powerful than love.

Because love is a connection to only few, while empathy is a connection to only one person or to a billion others. Empathy is a power. It's a power I feel when I go online and find posts on my stream that I can relate to. That small feeling of joy I get when someone says the exact same thing I was thinking or had experienced, like all the teenager posts on tumblr.

So I decided to trust him. But I wouldn't tell him all my secrets yet. I was still set on him having to find out for himself.

Because again, only those who can empathize can find out my deepest and darkest secrets and handle them the way I want them to.

I wanted him to find out-

But I also wanted him to never have to. I didn't want him to help me. I didn't want him to feel like he had to help me sort this out and treat me any differently than he did.

* * *

**Sorry for that short chapter. I need to put a time skip in, I have a few ideas I plan to put into motion, so I had to make a short filler chapter. And I have school starting soon, so I'm going to be busy! :/ school... I have really big news too. I don't know if you guys know, but I'm in journalism. So recently I started writing for a newspaper. And the article I wrote for them is going to be their feature cover article! YAY! Anyways, song is Darlin' by Avril Lavigne, shout out to Sunniva Steiner for that (I didn't forget about that review!), lyrics are from .**

**Shout outs to HiItsMe (Guest), Believe514, We-All-Change (review posted as a Guest), SummerTime15, Sunniva Steiner (Guest), Liela54352, Artemis the Artcher, and Polishdillpicklesandzammie!**


	12. Chapter 12

Life, in general, can be confusing. And ever-changing. And hard. Life is so, so hard. I had always felt like I had just been making life harder for those around me, I felt like a burden. A humongous burden to my friends and family. It was too easy to list why I was a burden, which made it easier to _believe_ that I was, indeed, a burden. But I never really had to believe it. Because I think deep down I already knew that I was a burden.

"Wait up, Cam," Bex called. Zach had gone to school earlier with Bailey to help her with stuff. They invited me to go, but I declined. My voice shook slightly as I said, "Hey, Bex." She smiled and walked next to me through the halls, bumping into me every so often. "Are we just sitting through more presentations with Solomon?" she asked, and I shrugged. "Probably," I replied. I heard footsteps hasten behind us and the world went dark as a light weight rested on and covered my eyes. "Guess who?" I smirked at how clichè the situation was, and told the cocky high school student so. Zach took his hands off my eyes and slung an arm over my shoulders after acknowledging Bex. I smiled at his tousled hair and ruggedly handsome appearance, trying to hide the gratitude I held to Zach from Bex with a smile.

Because a smile is always the best disguise.

As Bex and Zach carried on some debate about the slowly decaying ecosystem that I cast my opinion on only a few times, I pulled Macey and Liz along with us, making Zach look like a player. Which he wasn't. Soon I became a fifth wheel with whether or not the academic system was truly teaching students and how the government should solve the issue.

"The American public school system is not really teaching students, at least not in this state and like forty something others," Macey said. "First of all, all the teachers I've had give me packets. There is practically nothing hands on in my classes, except for in science, because duh, self explanatory."

"But how do you suppose the system fix this issue? We're like trillions deep in debt, how do you think we'll get funding?"

"Obviously, fundraising."

"But honestly, do you really try and sell stuff? There aren't that many students that actually go door to door selling cupcakes or something-"

"And the government is cutting unhealthy foods from schools, which has a big impact on fundraising for some schools that depend on those cupcake fundraisers for money."

"-Exactly, what are schools supposed to do if the government can't exactly help them?"

A man cleared his throat. "Us teachers are trying our best to educate you with the funds we have. I suggest that you also take into consideration what school funds go into," Mr. Solomon said. Our heated debate had found its way to his classroom, and we rushed to our seats.

"Miss Fetterman and Miss Alvarez, your presentation, please."

* * *

I was picking through some of my old middle school stuff, digging through old notebooks and finding a neatly folded piece of paper. I knew what it was, but opened it and read it anyways.

It was three pieces of firm paper, from a camp I had gone to in seventh grade.

I convinced myself to read.

* * *

_Can I just lie down and kill myself? Can I just lie down and die? Can I just lie down and kill myself? I don't want to be alive._

_Everyone is wrong. They all think they know me._

_They don't._

_I doubt they know that I've been bullied. I doubt they know that I'm depressed._

_They all see me as some happy, overly smart preteen. That's their stereotype of me._

_But they don't know my mind._

_They don't know that I have suicidal thoughts._ No one _knows that I have suicidal thoughts_.

_I've wanted to cut. But I'm too scared to. So I take a red pen and dig it deep into my skin, peeling it._

I carefully peeled off the front paper and started to read the second.

_I have something to say to a lot of people._

_Mom, Dad, and Grant. Life will be better for you with me gone. More money for you three, right? Yay, more money._

_My bullies. Honestly most of the time I could never tell if you were just teasing me or if it was bullying. You guys have called me names, and told me you hated me. You're welcome for choosing to leave you guys._

_Bex, Liz, and Macey. You guys are my best friends. You might be wondering how you never saw... And I'm sorry to say that I've been acting a lot in our relationship._

_To you, the reader._

_I am Cameron Ann Morgan. I have depression. I am about to commit suicide._

Obviously it didn't work then. But as I read it, I realized how much of it was true. Cue the spike of suicidal feelings.

I flipped the page and stared at the drawing.

I don't usually take selfies. I am not a photogenic person. And I most certainly do not draw myself all the time. But on the third page was a drawing of a girl. Me. I was smiling, seventh grader me was smiling. But her eyes... Her eyes were dark. Sorrowful. They cut into the soul of the viewer and expressed tragedy and animosity in a way no other artwork (at least that I had ever seen) could. But the smile threw the viewer off. The forehead and eyebrows seemed to depict relief...

In a word, the drawing was bittersweet. It left a sour taste in your mind but a feeling of happiness in your heart. Because sometimes the heart could be too easily deceived.

* * *

I shook my head and folded the paper back up, putting it back where I had gotten it. Pen in hand, I made mark after mark after mark. I needed to distract myself. I wasn't going to commit suicide today. No, I wasn't. So I needed the pen.

My thoughts carried me away and when I looked back down at my arm at a mark that was hurting slightly more than the others, I couldn't tell blood from ink, but when I blew on my skin to dry the ink and ran my arm under the sink, I saw blood.

This was my first cut.

It killed me to say, but...

It felt so good.

* * *

I was incredibly bored. I, Zachary Goode, had nothing to do. I would've filmed a video, but I was too busy being lazy at the moment. I grabbed my video camera and flopped down on my bed, glancing briefly out the window, where Cammie had her window shades up. She was holding a red pen and looked like she was writing notes down on her arm, and I smiled. I connected the camera to my laptop and lay down on my bed as I watched Cammie's video.

"Anyways, where was I? I think Zachary Goode is incredibly cocky, he wears his stupid smirk all the time, and knows how to piss me off easily. But despite him being all those things and many, MANY more, Zach is awesome. His sister and him are so close, and he can be nice and chivalrous when he tries. And he has amazing followers like you, and he..." She paused, and sighed, and me being overly cocky and all smirked.

"I don't know if I'll post this part. I'll probably cut it out later. But I... Enjoy his presence. Honestly, his chocolate hair and green eyes drive me crazy. He's hot, no doubt about that. He's such a hunk." Cammie Morgan called me a hunk. "And he is so sweet. Apparently he does have a crush on someone. I don't know if it's me or someone else. I do wish it's me, but I'm so... Average and... Not pretty." She looked away from the camera and down into her hands, looking adorably shy. I didn't expect what came next at all, and was frankly a little shocked at how fast her topic changed.

"I have depression, you guys. I've had it for a while. I've attempted suicide five times. I think about suicide all the time. I haven't told anyone, not Zach. I can tell he suspects, though. That's it for this video, sorry it's so short. You can subscribe to me by clicking below or here on my face. Bye!"

I looked up from the screen, into Cammie's room.

But she was gone.

* * *

**I've been trying to avoid doing a chapter or part of a chapter in Zach's POV, mainly because I want the sole focus of this to be on Cammie, I guess. But I also felt it was really important to display what it might be like on the other end of the spectrum. Let me know what you thought of that, and if you think I should do it again. I probably won't, and if I were to, it'd be rarely.**

**Shout out to one of my guest reviewers for the smile-being-the-best-disguise thing and for being the inspiration for this chapter!**

**All the thoughts Cammie has in this story are what I think. But I don't do all of the things she does. I do the pen, haven't cut yet, thankfully. I haven't attempted suicide yet, and that really is thanks to all of you keeping me. But there are people who need your support more than I need yours.**

**The letter in this chapter... The first page was taken word for word from a letter I wrote to myself, yes, in seventh grade. The rest of it is... Similar to the rest of the letter.**

**I've been wondering what would happen if someone I knew read this story. If they knew me, or if they knew that it was me writing it. So if you think you know me, here's a note to you. I still have the letter. It's in my binder. I bring it with me to school every day. It's in the back pocket, inside the binder. I keep it there because a small part of me really wants you or someone to read it. That part wants you to find out. I doubt that you, the reader, know me. But if you do, when school starts, ask me about my binder. The paper.**

**I might answer.**

**But then again, I may not.**

**It depends.**

**(I'm probably going to put something like the 'depends' in a future chapter)**

**Also, I don't post on a daily basis or every Wednesday or whatever because of life. Not only am I starting school and I have a LOT of work to do, this story needs inspiration. Inspiration from mg experiences and what I think of in my daily life. I'm sorry if some of you want me to post regularly, but I really can't.**

**Thanks again. I never feel like I'm thanking you guys enough, because you really are helping me and others. Shout outs go to Believe514, we-all-change (review posted as guest), SummerTime15, Sunniva Stiener (Guest), Guest, HiItsMe (Guest, why thank you! In sort of relation to this story, the article was about bullying...), fan (guest), Wordmeister259 (BTW loving your username), and greeneyedsmirker (Guest).**

**I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I find it kind of weird of how easily I can change from writing something serious to something Zammie filled... Sorry about that. I'm still working on my writing skills, so hopefully my writing improves by the time I finish the story. =)**


	13. Chapter 13

"Do you... Want to go do something?" I shrugged, leaning against Zach. I was playing with the grass on the ground while he played with my hair, twirling it around his finger. We were sitting under the shade of this huge oak tree with Bex, Grant, Liz, Jonas, Macey, and Preston. "We should play a game," Macey said, and we all nodded but didn't say anything. "Never Have I Ever?" Bex finally suggested, and we all sat in a circle.

"Since we don't exactly have drinks or however you're supposed to play this game, we can hold up ten fingers, and put one down every time we have done a never-have-I-ever," Jonas said, ever the solver of easy problems. We nodded and we each held up ten fingers. I held my hand up next to Zach's, comparing the size. His hand was bigger than mine, and my long fingers allowed my fingertips to almost reach his. He smiled and we laced our fingers together until starting the game.

"Never have I ever... Drank alcohol," Liz said. Everyone put a finger down except for Jonas (and obviously, herself). I saw Zach frown a bit when he saw me put my thumb down. "Uh... Never have I ever... Gotten into a car accident," Jonas said. Bex blushed as she put down a finger (NEVER get into a car with Bex driving. Never ever.) along with Grant and Macey.

"Never have I ever been kissed by a boy," Grant said, trying to act all triumphant. All us girls put a finger down except for Liz, and she looked a little sad about that. I looked sympathetically at Liz until Jonas worked up the nerve to kiss her softly on the cheek. Liz's pale skin made her look even redder than she probably actually was when she blushed, and she slowly put a finger down.

"Never have I ever eaten honey." We all stared at Bex. "Really?" Grant asked, the most surprised out of all of us. "Never?" She shook her head and everyone else put a finger down. I was next. "Never have I ever been to a country outside of North America," I said. Bex, Jonas, Preston, and Macey took down another finger. "Never have I ever been on a roller coaster," Zach said, and everyone, even Liz and Jonas put a finger down. I nudged him and waited until he leaned down a little to whisper, "We should go on the one at the state fair." He nodded and Macey cleared her throat.

"Never have I ever gone past first base." My eyes widened. Because Macey was the kind of girl that everyone expected to have gone all the way. Macey blushed and leaned against Preston. Bex and Grant put down a finger each, and I shut my eyes closed, trying to get the image of the kitchen island scene out of my head. I almost didn't notice Zach put a finger down. "What?" I blurted out, louder than I had wanted to. I repeated it again in a whisper-shout, staring at Zach. He looked away. "Second base," he murmured, thinking I couldn't hear. And I pretended like it didn't bother me when everyone turned to look at us. We weren't even officially dating, right? I shouldn't care.

I stared at him for a few minutes, wanting a valid reply until Liz cleared her throat, trying to ease the tension that surrounded us in the air. "Uh... Let's go to class now, guys." She stood up, and Jonas followed her like an obedient puppy. It wasn't long until Macey pulled me to go with her and Preston pulled Zach away, dragging us in opposite directions.

* * *

Zach and I sat on opposite ends of the cafeteria table, everyone else between us. I never looked at him, never spoke to him. He tried to talk to me.

"Hey, Cam-"

"Rebecca, can you tell Zachary that I will not talk to him directly from this point on?" Bex knew better than to cross me when I start using full names. She nudged Zach. "Shut up, you're giving her a hard time."

And yet, I do not know how the teenage boy mind can change words of defense into something so offensive to every female on the planet.

"Aw, is Gallagher Girl PMSing again?"

He probably said it to lighten the mood, break the tension a bit, even though he had already experienced my wrath once. "Okay, Zach. Let's go before something happens to you-" Grant started until I interrupted, standing up so I was eye level with Zach. "May I remind you, Zachary, what happened to you the last time you pissed. Me. Off?" I asked, ever so sweetly. I could see his eye twitch a bit until Grant, Preston, and Jonas pulled him away.

* * *

Something happened after school. Maybe a sudden change in my mood, maybe I really was PMSing. But when I walked into Zach's house, making sure to kick his door as I walked by, I felt different. Different in a bad way.

Different enough to drive me to do crazy things.

Different enough to drive me to do something insane.

Different enough but familiar enough to know that I had felt that feeling before. But feeling was the wrong word. A feeling is something temporary. But an emotion is ever lasting. And my emotion was something I had felt for more than a few years.

Yes, there are always going to be reasons why we do things. But at that particular moment, I couldn't tell why I was feeling that emotion.

But suicidal is quite a common emotion for me.

Especially when you find out that the guy you had just kissed recently cheated on you with another girl.

* * *

I lay in their guest bed that night, listening as Zach and Grant arrived. They were noisy, but I eavesdropped on their conversation.

"Dude, you're drunk."

"Naw... Naw I'm not... You are, Zachy."

"I'm not drunk, Grant. You are."

"If you weren't drunk, then why were you kissing that girl at the bar?"

Zach hesitated, and I felt a cold shiver run down my spine.

"I was drunk at the party, but remember we stayed there until I sobered up so I could take us back?"

"Uh... Oh yeah... Mmkay..."

I heard Zach grunt as he threw Grant onto the bed in the other guest room, and mutter to himself as he opened and closed the door to his own room. "Drunk Grant... Heavy... Cammie... So mad if she finds out... But... Not dating... Hate me... Can't hurt her... Make it worse..." His voice disappeared as he ventured deeper into his room. I later heard him shuffle towards my door and knock. "Cam? You awake?" He opened the door as quietly as possible and I pretended to be asleep. He sat down next to my supposedly sleeping figure on the bed. I felt his breath warm against my face as he whispered, "Sorry, Cam." He sighed and I opened my eye just a crack to see him run a hand through his hair. His lips looked swollen and I hurt inside. He reached for my hand and squeezed it before leaving.

Once I heard the snores coming from his room and Grant's, I decided it was safe to get up. I left the room after pulling on some shorts and a tank top, and left a note on the kitchen table.

_Left for a drive. Be back by eight._

The roads were dark, twisty, windy. Kaery Road was known for the abrupt edges, bumpy roads, sharp turns, and absolutely no street lamps whatsoever. You needed to memorize the road in order to drive through without getting into an accident. And if you were drunk, you were committing suicide if you went down that road drunk and in the middle of the night. It was a guarantee, unless you were lucky.

Kaery Road was my backup plan. When things got really rough, I promised myself to take that road drunk and high and speeding.

Because I wasn't lucky.

* * *

**Hey! So I started school... It sucks... I got actual homework on the second day... I have the strictest P.E. teacher... AUGHHHHH CAN'T IT BE SUMMER?! Sorry for the short filler chapter and the long wait, but I have a present for any of you guys with accounts! I wrote the first chapter of a future story I might publish, let me know in a review if you want to read it and I'll PM it to you!**

**Anyways, is it just me or are the writers/stories on fanfiction getting better? If you're looking for some GG fanfics to read I recommend this one story by KStarrox about Gallagher and Blackthorne going to this other school... And all my reviewers that have stories written, I have actually read your stories too, and I love them all. RFRF (haven't done that in a while...)!**


	14. Chapter 14

**I feel really bad you guys, I forgot the shout outs! So sorry. So very, very sorry. I'll give out the shout outs at the bottom of this chapter, but until then, enjoy! And also VERY sorry for confusing a lot of you, but I promise, everything will make sense soon. But I have to spread out the explanations through a couple chapters. But I PROMISE it'll make sense. You'll have to wait a bit, though.**

..

"Where did you go?" Zach demanded to know as soon as I walked into his house at 8:02. I shrugged. "Kaery. And no, I didn't die. You know you have to be drunk or the sky has to be raining to die on that road." He scoffed. "It's too easy to get hurt on Kaery." I rolled my eyes and walked towards his dining table where a plate of food had been set for me. He reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me to face him. "Cam... I'm sorry, I just don't want you to get hurt. I really don't." I pulled away from his grip and shot back bitterly, "Why would you care? You don't know me."

His arms fell and hung limply at his sides, and his green eyes connected with my blue ones as he whispered, "I know more about you than you night know."

My breath caught in my throat but I hid my surprise and sat down at the table to eat, Zach standing awkwardly behind me. I could feel the tension that was surrounding us, and I could tell he was preparing to say something but never got the nerve to say it. "Um... Bailey saw the letter and said we were excused..." He trailed off, and I knew he wanted to say more. "Cammie-"

"Let's go to school. Wouldn't want to miss first period," I said, interrupting him and grabbing my bag. He nodded and drove us to GAI.

..

"Trust is quite a different thing from love. You can love someone, yet not trust them. And you can trust someone, yet not love them. The two have easily been mixed up before, but are to never be put together unless something absolutely extraordinary happens.

What is true love? True love is rare, it is when you love someone and you trust them. And to encounter true love, you need to tempt fate and fate alone. You cannot create true love."

Stupid poems we had to read in SocStuEng. Abby got a boyfriend. And so she was making us learn about love. So today, we were learning about true love. Her boyfriend, Edward Townsend, was standing next to her, arms crossed and a smile grazing his lips as he said, "You cannot," in a heavy British accent.

"Zach..." I whispered to the student sitting next to me while everyone else was reading the love poems.

"Yeah?"

"How did this happen?" Zach rolled his eyes, and grabbed a piece of paper out from his binder and scribbling on it before handing it to me.

_Abby went to England last year. That's where she met Townsend, he was her tour guide. They apparently liked each other, but never got each others contact info before Abby left. Then he came here last week because of a job move or whatever. He found out where Abby was, visited her after school one day, and the two started going out. He doesn't drop by class often, only when Abby asks him to, which is only a few times each month. Bailey doesn't mind because he's a friend of my uncle, so he could actually come here whenever he wanted_, the paper said in Zach's familiar scrawl. I sighed and wrote down at the bottom, _And this means?_ before handing it back to him.

_It means that we are going to be talking about love quite often in English._

Oh, how fun.

..

"So you guys are cool now?" Macey asked, pushing her salad around on her plate with a fork during lunch. I glanced at Bex and we nodded simultaneously. "Yeah." Macey raised an eyebrow. "And you and Zach?" I tilted my head to the side, looking at the boy next to me. "I don't know... He still hasn't apologized..."

Zach looked up from his food. "What?" He asked, mouth full of burger, and tiny bits of food hit my face. "Eww! Zach, shut your mouth and don't talk with your mouth full," I said, wiping my face clean with his shirt. He chewed and swallowed. "Sorry Gallagher Girl." Macey nodded. "Okay, good." Zach smirked. "No, it's _Goode."_

We all groaned at his last name pun.

..

"Can I talk to you, Gallagher Girl?"

Bailey was out shopping, Grant was at the park with Bex, and Zach was knocking on my door.

"Yeah, what is it?" He opened the door and walked in, lying down on the guest bed beside me. "Um... So, I was thinking. We do a collab and stuff. And... Some commenter wanted me to do one about... What was it? Depression."

My eyes had been closed, but they shot open when he said the word. I remembered my cover and pretended like I knew close to nothing about the thing. "Depression? Okay, sure," I said. I looked at him. "Do you want to film now?" He shrugged. "Probably not now. We should probably do some research about it, find someone with depression. Do you know any?" I shook my head and looked at him curiously. "You?" He hesitated before nodding. "Who?"

"Bailey."

He sat up, and I arranged the pillows behind us so we were sitting next to each other.

"She was good at hiding it. I didn't even know she had depression until last year. When I was visiting.

She had a boyfriend at the time, his name was Alex. She really liked him, but I just always had this off feeling about him, you know?

Turns out I was right. He was abusing her. He made her feel worthless, and I hate him so much for that. Sometimes she wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't reply back to certain emails. I visited her the month before I found out, and she was so unresponsive. Whenever I tried to talk to her, she acted like she didn't hear me or just didn't listen. And Alex was always with her. I was there for a week, and she never spent one full day with me.

I visited her again the next month, without her knowing. Alex was in her house, and I went into the house and hid right next to her bedroom door. I grabbed my phone and started recording, I knew if something bad was happening I would need evidence. She was screaming, crying. And he kept saying how it was all for her own good and that he would make her feel better in the end. I didn't look inside, I was too scared to. But I heard him slap her, more than ten times, I know. I was so scared. When I heard his footsteps get closer to the door, I panicked and ran to the nearby closet, barely being able to hide in time. I saw him walk out, shaking his hand. Once I made sure he had driven away, I ran into Bailey's room. She was bruised and battered everywhere, and she was unconscious. I called 911 and showed them the recording, and they arrested Alex. I stayed with Bailey for that summer, making up some much needed brother sister time.

Alex escaped from jail. And he went to our house. He found Bailey and was yelling at her. He told her to just go and die. He told her she messed the world up. I called 911 again, the police took him into custody and had him under close watch. I was leaving my room when I walked by her door and saw her holding a gun. I didn't even know she owned a gun until then. She pressed it to her temple, and I screamed and ran towards her, pushing her down.

The gun went off, and it shot me in the chest. I still have the scar. I was lucky, the doctors said. They told me the gunshot missed all major organs, and it got dangerously close to my heart."

Zach lifted his shirt up a bit and there was a huge scar. I reached out and traced the skin with my finger, in some sort of trance, until convincing myself to pull away. He pulled his shirt back down and continued.

"Bailey told me everything while I was in the hospital. About her depression. And she wouldn't stop apologizing. For shooting me. For hurting me.

She hasn't attempted suicide since, and I know it's because she doesn't want to risk hurting me or anyone else she loves ever again. Since then I've been willing to help anyone with depression. I can't help thinking that there are countless others that I couldn't save from suicide and... I don't know. But I wanted to be a hero. To those people, and Bailey. If I was able to stop one person from committing suicide, then I should be able to save others, right?"

My mind had countless questions for him, none of which I voiced aloud.

_Did you know I was attempting suicide when I had the pills?_

_Do you know that I have suicidal thoughts and depression?_

_Do you care about me?_

I needed answers from the smirking boy himself. But if he had grown up with an actress, he was bound to pick up some acting skills himself. I knew Grant had, without trying to. He could lie more easily now. Maybe Zach could, too.

Maybe he knew. About me. Or maybe he didn't.

"I'm so sorry," I said, feigning shock. But within every lie, there's always a little truth. I was shocked. Bailey was depressed, too.

And for the first time, I had found someone-

That was a little bit like me.

..

**BAILEY HAS DEPRESSION. So that's why Zach was muttering to himself in the last chapter about how he doesn't want Cammie's depression to get worse. Because he knows that if you've been hurt it can make things worse than they already are. He wants to help her. So he's still a technical good(e) guy. And shout outs to...**

**Sunniva Steiner, HiItsMe, zammie01, Wordmeister259, we-all-change, Believe514, Athenadaughter6, greeneyedsmirker, SummerTime15, Kayla, guest, a fan, and foodislifeyo! And before I forget, RFRF! Thanks for all your kind words, guys!**


	15. Chapter 15

"Is it recording?"

"Yeah, it's recording."

"Guess. What."

"What ever do you want me to guess, Miss Morgan?"

"Oh, I don't know Sir Goode maybe the fact that we're-"

"Doing a collab channel!" Zach and I said the last part in unison, and we had our jazz hands up.

"We know you guys have wanted us to do a collab for a while now, ever since you saw me on Zach's channel, and so we're doing one! Our first video will be posted on our new channel, ZammieMG, hope you guys check it out soon!"

"No need to watch the new videos from Cammie and I, we're just uploading this one video to both channels. So it'll be the same thing, don't waste your time."

"That was our announcement for today, hope you enjoyed and make sure to subscribe to ZammieMG and both of our channels!"

"And... We're... Off." Zach rubbed my head. "Nice work, Gallagher Girl."

"Touché, Blackthorne Boy." Zach seemed unaffected by the nickname.

..

You can tell Tina Walter's coming when the sound of five inch high heels grow louder.

"Hey, Zach," she said, walking by Zach and I in the hallway, trying to look seductive. Zach smirked and gave a quick nod in her direction. He sighed when she was out of earshot. "She's been flirting with me," he explained, and I shrugged. "She probably just wants you to ask her out." He looked at me in surprise. "You wouldn't mind?" I shrugged again.

I didn't mind if it was just one date. If they continued dating, then I would mind.

..

"You're going on a date with Tina?"

Zach nodded, and looked around before telling me, "She has depression. And she said that my videos make her happy!" He both looked and sounded overjoyed. I wanted to say, "_Well, you make me happy, too! I have depression too!"_

I hated how I had to add "too" to the end. It made me second. I didn't want to be second. I couldn't hide the distaste and disappointment in my expression when I said, "You guys go have fun on your date. I'm gonna go check on Fader's investigation." His smile faltered a bit, but he covered it up by asking if he could come along. I shook my head slowly. Zachary Goode had caused enough trouble in my life.

I knew that if I had ever liked someone or fallen in love with them, then everytime I penned or cut or attempted suicide, it would be because of them. Because a person I had trusted most betrayed me. I used to distance myself from people, now it comes as naturally to me as a reflex. I won't talk to you unless you initiate the conversation, not because I'm antisocial or mean, but because I want to hurt as few people as possible.

I don't want them to get hurt, because I know that when I pen, it's because they got mad at me for hurting them. So I deserve to hurt too.

..

"It's doing swell, Cammie. Just swell," Garrett told me when I questioned his investigation. "There's evidence all over the place. He'll be arrested in no time- his defense attorneys will have a pretty tough time convincing the jury he's innocent." I nodded and gave a small smile. "When will Grant and I be able to go back home, see my mother?" He shrugged. "You should be able to move back in sometime this week. As for your mother's remains... I'm afraid it could take a while longer. They want to run tests on her," he added. I didn't know who they were or what tests they were going to do.

I just wanted my mother home.

I haven't had time to really grieve. Mostly just remembering. It doesn't feel like she's gone. It's like I know the facts but my heart can't accept them.

That's what's hard about love.

..

"We can move back in?"

I nodded towards my brother. He pumped a fist in the air, and ran to grab his stuff. I picked up each article of clothing from the guest room I had stayed in. "Going, Gallagher Girl?"

I turned around, where Zachary Goode was decked out in a suit and tie. I smiled a little, nodding in silence. He walked towards me but stopped halfway. "Are you... Sure you're okay with me and Tina?" I turned away.

_No, I'm not. I want you here. With me._

Tina and I had a history. A lengthy history. Because sometimes the best of friends make the best of enemies.

Tina and I were in middle school, seventh grade. Where drama ran high and the students ran low on their sleep supply. Josh Abrams was the new kid. Tina liked him... But she found out that he liked me and interrupted any conversation between Josh and I because she was scared he would ask me out. But he left before he could. After that we just stopped talking. Or, we stopped talking after camp. Where we had confessed our late night crushes, but I had always assumed that she was just jealous of me because of Josh.

Silly thing. Broke us apart. Tina's probably been looking for revenge ever since.

Maybe she thought Zachary Goode was the answer.

..

RULE ONE:

Don't ask me about my life. I won't tell you what you want to know.

RULE TWO:

Don't make assumptions about me.

RULE THREE:

I don't want to hurt you.

I've already done that more than I should.

Those three rules had been established by my brain last year. They were a code I promised to abide by, promised to follow. They were to ensure that I kept my secrets.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Like how a spy always has these covers and alibis so a lot of the time they're never themselves. Or that's what I hear. I wish I could just live another life. I know I have many aliases already.

Cammie Morgan, YouTuber.

Cammie Morgan, depressive.

Cammie Morgan, student at GAI.

Cammie Morgan, blonde.

Cammie Morgan, etc. Etc. Etc.

Cammie Morgan, liar. Fibber.

But my biggest secret is not that. It is not my depression, either.

Cammie Morgan, confused.

I have so many questions that can't be answered.

That's my biggest secret.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

..

**I'm sorry I don't update so much! I've been busy. And you guys will be happy to know that on the 16th, I talked to my counselor about my suicidal feelings. You know why? All because of you guys. I hope that those of you struggling too can find the courage, because I assure you, it's in you to tell someone. You've told me. Thank you. You've inspired me in countless ways, and I hope I can repay all of you by granting you guys with an extra long chapter!**

**Shout outs to we-all-change-and-that's-okay, Guest, Believe514, Sunniva Steiner, foodislifeyo, Kayla, peace-luv-fanfiction, greeneyedsmirker, Guest, nobody's angel love, and Guest! You guys are amazing, and for new readers, RFRF!**


	16. Chapter 16

Everyone has a label, whether they want it or not. It's like a newspaper, where the front page has that huge headline of their biggest article, and all the other article headlines are smaller. We all have that one particular label that practically defines us to the rest of society, and then other labels that aren't as major.

And labels change. You won't always be the high school quarterback, that title will change. That label will change.

I grew up with people telling me not to judge people by their appearances. But as you grow up, you realize that everyone judges everyone else by their appearances, it's just that with age, you grow wiser and learn what you can and cannot say. And when they judge, they give you that label.

We all want to fit in. That's why we change for people, sometimes for strangers. We want society to like us.

I want society to not judge me. I want to be able to not have a label for once and not have to worry about what other people are thinking about me.

..

"It was fun. We talked, we laughed, we kissed a few times."

Sometimes I hate how one moment you mean the world to someone, and the next you're a pile of road kill left on the side of the road. Alone and lonely.

"Oh" was the brilliant response I came up with.

"Cam... You know I like you, right?" I shrugged and looked away. His hand lifted and cupped my cheek. "I really do. But I feel like Tina needs me right now."

_So what are we, Zach?_

"You know how I feel about depression."

Why was I so confused all the time? One day he's saying something, the next he's saying this? Zach never made any sense.

"I know." I hesitated before saying, "What are we, Zach?" He stared at me. "Right now... Right now we're friends." I sighed but agreed. "Yeah. Friends. Then what are you and Tina?"

He closed his eyes briefly. "And right now... We're dating." I nodded.

Tina was all around better than me. Prettier, smarter, taller. It made sense that Zach would be want her instead of me- he'd be better off with Tina than with me.

No one wants a depressed girl. Zach never signed up for that. Or... He wouldn't want me, Cammie, the depressed girl. He'd be better with Tina. I wouldn't give him something he wouldn't want.

Just another reason why I try and avoid people- I don't want them to have too much to think about.

..

She smirked. "Hey, Cammie." Her arm snaked around Zach's waist, and he stiffened slightly. "Hey, Tina." I couldn't help but feel a little jealous when Zach put an arm around her neck. "Zachy, would you mind giving Cammie here and I some time to talk?" He glanced at me briefly but nodded. Tina smiled and kissed him for what seemed like forever until he pulled and walked away.

"So."

"So," Tina said. "Zach and I are dating now. Are you sure that there's nothing going on between you two? You guys are like best friends, there must have been a kiss somewhere in between, right?" I sighed and shook my head. Yay, lying now. "No, Tina. There wasn't."

She moved fast in heels. Her arm moved up to press against my neck with the slightest bit of force while she pushed me against the hall lockers. Hallways were empty; we were going to be late to class. "Wrong," she hissed. "I know things. I also keep my fair amount of secrets-"

I had had enough.

"Why are you doing this?! I know you're jealous of me and Josh, no need to bring Zach into it-"

"Jealous?!" She laughed coldly. "No, I'm not jealous. I'm hurt. You keeping secrets from me hurt. We were best friends, and I told you everything. So why couldn't you tell me everything?!"

"I have never kept any secrets from you, Tina."

Her arm dropped and she had the saddest expression on her face.

"Yes, Cammie. You have kept secrets from me. From everyone."

She paused for effect before saying,

"From Zach."

Was it really that obvious I liked him that much?

She walked backwards but continued to talk. "You don't trust anyone now, do you?" It was a question phrased as a statement.

"And here I thought you trusted me."

Friends keep your secrets. They tell theirs to you and you have to keep theirs.

"I..." I needed to tell her why.

"What, Cammie?" Her annoyance made me mad.

"I just don't want you to worry! I don't want anyone to worry about me, I'm strong, I can't have people seeing me..."

"Weak?" She questioned. "You're one of the strongest and bravest people I know. You'd be stronger and braver if you told someone, and not left them to find out for themselves."

I knew it. She had stopped talking to me after camp. She must have found my letter...

"I did. I did find it." She walked back towards me and held my hands. "Cammie. Your friends and I are here to help you. We will worry, but we'll help you."

_She wanted to help._

I choked out a sob and cried on one of my best friend's shoulder. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. She only hugged me and let me stain her clothes with my tears and runny nose.

Friendship is probably one of the strongest types of love their is, and you need friendship to have true love.

Love is probably one of the cheesiest things ever.

But right now, I knew I could trust my friend. I needed to know if I loved her (friend wise).

If she broke my trust, she would break me again.

The last person on earth I would have thought of had fixed me.

Tina Walters had fixed me, even if only briefly. But she fixed me.

And I owe her the world for that.

..

"Tina and I aren't dating anymore. She told me about your talk."

"Okay."

"Do you want to know why?"

"Okay."

"Are you listening to me?"

"Okay."

We laughed together.

..

"And he still hasn't asked you out?"

I had forgotten one small detail. Abby and I were really close, she helped me with some stuff freshman year. She was both my teacher and friend. I had stayed after school with her and Townsend (as I preferred to call him) to work on some stuff. I finished early, but we left the extra time to talk about Zach.

"He hasn't. I don't mind that, it's just like I get super confused." Abby nodded.

"Yeah. Eddy here was like that too." She ruffled his hair and laughed despite his protests. "Don't call me Eddy," he said, taking her hand out of his hair and kissing her on the cheek. She smiled and I diverted my eyes as she pulled him in closer. "Anyways, Cammie, Zach did tell you he likes you. Maybe he's just-"

"Waiting?" I interrupted. "What could he be waiting for?" Abby shrugged and looked at Townsend to get his opinion. "You kind of just have to find the right time. Give him a few openings and see how he reacts," he said. I sat on a desk in front of Abby, and let my feet hang over the edge and swing a little, my Converse shoe laces hanging limply from the sides of the turquoise fabric.

"Maybe."

..

I am quite an impatient person. I like to know things as soon as they come. I wasn't exactly eager for him to ask me out, I just wanted to know if he would.

But more than that, I wanted to know if he was willing to help me.

..

"Hey guys, Cammie Morgan is up and talking! Hope you got the news, but yes, Zach and I have a collab channel. Our next video should be up whenever. So what am I going to talk to you about today?"

I looked up at the ceiling.

"Why are boys so confusing sometimes?" I winked at the camera before saying, "I'm warning you guys now. Prepare for my rant on Zachary Goode."

..

I got a letter in the mail.

_Cameron Ann Morgan is summoned to the trial of Matthew Andrew Morgan for the murder of Rachel Cameron Morgan. You will testify as a witness against the defense, but may be called to the stand by the defense. The trial has been scheduled for-_

"Five days from now?!" Grant cried out.

There was another letter with Grant's name on it that said the exact same thing. I nodded and hugged him. "I don't wanna go," I mumbled into his faded orange shirt. I felt his heart beat against my cheek and his chest rumbled as he said, "I never want to see that man again." He cursed in anger and frustration.

..

**Do you know what a review does to me? I really do read all your reviews. I've laughed and cried and giggled and gone, "That person. You- YOU ARE AMAZING. It's like you know me!" I love reading your reviews, because you guys are just SO kind with your words. I really wish I knew all of you.**

**This story will not be ending anytime soon. As I've said before, the story is based off of my thoughts, emotions, and some of the things I do/have done. I plan to continue this story for as long as possible. I plan to make a sequel, though. I have actually already written the last chapter, I just need to fill in the space in between.**

**Also, since I told my counselor, Zach WILL acknowledge that he knows about Cammie's depression. Soon. Maybe the next chapter, maybe the eighteenth, it depends how long my chapters are and how well the story is flowing. He's probably going to get exasperated with her at some point and blurt it out.**

**Oh, and something REALLY BAD is gonna happen. Just preparing you guys for that.**

**RFRF, and shout outs go to we-all-change-and-thats-okay, Sunniva Steiner, Wordmeister259, Guest, Believe514, SummerTime15, greeneyedsmirker, and Kayla! Isn't weird how I've actually MEMORIZED a lot of your guys' usernames?! *hands that sentence to you* There. More proof you guys are amazing. *gives cheeky smile***


	17. Chapter 17

_Four more days until the trial of Matthew Andrew Morgan._

..

"So."

"So."

"I can't believe you ranted on me."

"Better believe it."

"Gallagher Girl... I've been talking to Townsend."

"And?"

"He informed me of a recent conversation you guys and Abby had."

"Oh, did he?"

"Oh, he did."

"And so?"

"And so I've got a lot of ideas for how to ask you out."

"Alright."

"From commenters and social media, that is."

"Alright."

"And they said that I should..."

I looked up at him expectantly and he smirked. He grabbed my hand in the middle of the park we had been strolling in, and spun me around until pulling me in a dip.

"Go out with me, Gallagher Girl?"

I shrugged playfully. "Maybe." He let go of me and I shrieked, expecting to drop and die on the concrete, but he wrapped his arms fully around my waist and pulled me back up so I was pressed against his chest.

"HEY! GOODE, DON'T GO INTO TOO MUCH PDA!" Grant yelled, running up to us like the overprotective brother he is. "SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, SO DON'T ENGAGE IN AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF PDA-"

"OH, SO LIKE HOW YOU, MY BROTHER, AND BEX, MY BEST FRIEND WERE MAKING OUT ON THE KITCHEN ISLAND A MONTH OR TWO AGO?!" Grant stopped in front of us and glared at me. "That was different." I rolled my eyes. "Yeah right," I muttered. He wedged himself in between Zach and I, and slung an arm around our shoulders.

"Okay. So. YouTube. How's it going?" Zach smirked. "It's okay. Cam's more popular than you now, that's for sure." Grant attempted to look offended. "But Zachy, you said I was better than her!" We laughed and Grant shoved us away when he saw Bex jogging on the trail that merged with ours. "Bex!" He ran to her, and she smiled, pulling her headphones off and putting them around her neck as he kissed her. She waved to us, and left with Grant to go somewhere else.

..

_Three more days until the trial of Matthew Andrew Morgan._

..

My mother was not the best chef. She wasn't. And sadly, I was. Which meant that when Zachary Goode found out I could cook, he decided that instead of doing something about depression for our first video on our collab channel, I was going to teach him how to cook.

How to cook pizza.

I had thrown on one of Zach's old shirts to avoid getting any of my clothes dirty. It was gray, with the word "SPY." on the front in dark navy blue bold lettering. He said he had bought it online and really liked it. And it was big on me, but I didn't bother to tuck it into my shorts. Instead, the shirt fit loosely around my figure and was so long that it reached a little above mid thigh and made it look like I wasn't wearing anything underneath. But it was super comfy, so I wore it.

"I don't understand how you're sweating already," I told him while kneading the pizza dough. Beads of sweat were running down his neck, and his eyes were focused on the task of hand. "How... Are... You... Not?" He panted, and I flinched when I saw him use the back of his hand to wipe away his sweat. I slapped his hand away with a dish cloth when he reached down to knead again. "No. Wash you hands, you're all sweaty. I'll do your dough, you can help with the toppings later." I rolled my eyes and looked at the camera and smiled.

And then I gasped as Zachary Goode dumped flour on my head.

"Zach!" I yelled, white as a ghost (because of the flour). He smirked and dusted his hands off. "Hey, Gallagher Girl. You're looking whiter than usual," he added, then burst out in laughter. I pretended to give up and looked down on my dough and continued to knead, putting on a sad face.

Zach was so predictable. I knew he was going to do that beforehand, so I prepared a special present for him in the drawer I just so happened to be reaching for at that moment.

"You okay, Gallagher Girl?" He asked, and I nodded and threw in a small sniffle. He walked closer to me slowly, and stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, putting his head in the crook of my shoulder. "You okay? I'm sorry," he said, kissing my cheek softly.

My hand had been shuffling in the drawer, and I smirked as I whirled around and hit him smack in the face with an egg.

"CAMMIE!"

"Now, now, Zach, we mustn't dawdle, I have to finish the pizza." I tried to keep a straight face and not laugh when I saw the yolk of the egg spread all over his nose and left cheek. He sighed and looked at the camera, his arms still wrapped around my waist. "Do you want us to cook again? Let us know in the comments below!" I laughed and he took his finger and wiped off some of the egg, putting it on the tip of my nose. He left to go to the bathroom to wash his face.

I kneaded the dough, left it to rise, and had almost finished my sauce when Zach came back, hair disheveled in all the right places and wet. "How's it going, Gallagher Girl?" I smiled and pointed to the camera. "Go talk to them while I finish the sauce." The dough had just then finished rising, so I shaped it into the pizza crust and baked it in the oven briefly so that when I put the sauce on, it wouldn't get all mushy and wet.

"Hello there, Zammie subscribers. Zach's gonna talk to you guys about Cam and I. You guys all ship us, that's obvious enough. And I REALLY LIKE HER," he said, leaning back a bit and looking in my direction when he said that bit. "And I recently asked her out, so WHERE DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE HER FOR OUR FIRST DATE?" He did the same thing he had done earlier with his words. Blush crept up my cheeks, and luckily I was too covered in flour for him to notice. "Let me know in the comments and on social media, and make sure to tag me and me ONLY so I can make it a surprise. Whichever idea I go with, I will follow that person on all their social media links and give you a special shout out on this channel on our next video!" I finished the sauce and pulled out the pizza dough from the oven, setting it in front of the camera. "Okay. So now what I'm going to do is spoon the sauce onto the pizza and have Zach put the pepperoni on, and then the cheese."

For some reason Zach was being really flirty and touchy with me today. But I figured that was because he and Tina were no longer a thing, and he had asked me out, and etc. So I let him wrap his left arm around my waist as I spooned sauce on the pizza, and he dropped pepperoni on top of the sauce. I pulled away when I had finished to wash my hands and face, and handed him the bowl of previously shredded mozzarella cheese to put on the pizza.

We baked the pizza, all the while talking to each other and the camera about random things. When it was done, we ate it, and it was delicious. We weren't able to finish it, and I knew Grant would want it if he found it, so I gave the pizza to Zach to hide at his house.

I decided to take a short nap on the couch when we were done filming, and Zach had gone to his house to grab his editing equipment and ultrabook.

..

I woke up in my bed, and I was still wearing Zach's shirt. Grant or Zach must have carried me up. The shirt smelled like him, too. I muzzled my nose in the collar and breathed in deep. A small chuckle came from the door frame. "Enjoying yourself there, Gallagher Girl?" I smiled as Zach came in and lay down next to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me to him. I curled up in a ball, nudging my head under his chin and making myself comfy. I eventually pulled out of my pill bug state and turned so my back was against his chest and we were spooning. His arms tightened around my waist, and I could tell by his slow and consistent breathing that he had fallen asleep.

Cooking really did tire a person out.

..

_Two more days until the trial of Matthew Andrew Morgan._

..

_Gallagher Girl,_

_5:00. I'll pick you up._

_-Z_

..

"YOU HAVE A DATE?! TONIGHT! CAM YOU'RE GIVING ME LIKE ONLY SEVEN HOURS TO WORK ON YOU, STAY THERE!" I held the phone an arms width away, cringing at Macey's screeching. Notice how she said ON and not WITH. Dear Macey, please realize that I am your bestie, not your personal canvas.

Macey, Bex, and Liz were at my house ten minutes later- Bex trashing my closet, Macey lugging up her makeup kit up the stairs, and sweet, sweet, wonderful Liz sitting quietly next to me on the corner of the bed. Dear Liz, you are the most amazing person on earth because you do not torture people by means of makeup and clothes.

"You're wearing this," Bex said, pulling out a striped blue and white dress. "And these," she said, grabbing out my knee high boots. I nodded, thankful that they weren't heels. Because I can't walk in heels. And lastly, dear Bex, thank you for not giving me heels.

"Lean your head back." Macey was prepping me in the bathroom with Bex as her assistant. Liz was back in my room, talking to Zach with paper and pencil about whatever.

It took forever, but I ended up looking-

"Gorgeous!" Macey, Bex and Liz chorused once they were all in the bathroom with me. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror, and I silently agreed with their judgment. My hair was left down, with a braid on either side of my head tied together in the back.

"Zach's gonna love you," Macey said, a grin plastered on her face.

"Oh, Zach does," a low voice said, sounding husky. I swiveled around, and took in the sight of a hot Zachary Goode.

Can we please take a moment to raise our right hands and swear to love and appreciate Zachary Goode in all his hotness? I declare, that I, (state your name), will forever love and appreciate Zachary Goode in all his hotness, and I do want a Zachary Goode for myself even though I ship Zammie. Because I know some people ship Zammie SO hard. Like, one time, I searched my name on Tumblr, and... Let's just say that weird- REALLY weird posts popped up. Sadly, Liz was with me when I did that, and I had scarred Elizabeth Sutton with a few profanic posts. I'm so sorry!

But seriously. It didn't seem possible for him to get hotter before, but he certainly could and did.

He had stunned us all into silence, and Macey was the first to recover. "Uhhhh..." Zach smirked and walked towards me, holding out a hand. "Let's go, Gallagher Girl." I nodded mutely, and as soon as we were downstairs I heard the squeals of three teenage girls upstairs. I grabbed my bag off the kitchen table and walked confidently out of my house on Zachary Goode's arm.

"So where are you planning to take me, Blackthorne Boy?"

"You'll have to wait and see, Gallagher Girl."

Stupid Zach. Don't make impatient people wait...

..

**Don't make impatient people like you guys, my readers wait! I was in a fluffy mood, so I wrote some Zammie fluff for you guys. Sadly I am planning something much darker in comparison to this chapter, and that super dark and angsty one is going to be the next chapter. So prep yourselves for that, it might get a little over the top with description and stuff, depending on my mood, but I'll try not to make it too bad. But again, this is a story about depression, and my own feelings and thoughts play a big role in this story.**

**To soulofessence: OMG YOUR REVIEW MADE ME FEEL SO WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE! And you're amazing for volunteering your time and opinion to others. Thank you!**

**To HiItsMe: SINCE YOUR REVIEW WAS ALL IN CAPS MY RESPONSE WILL BE TOO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW AND YOUR SUPER THOUGHTFUL WORDS!**

**To Sunniva Steiner: I can tell you're an AMAZING person. People do remember things about you, even if you may not realize it. If I did, then others did too- and I could tell over the INTERNET. And it can be hard to tell a person's personality online. Anyways, I'm always here and online for all of you guys!**

**To we-all-change-and-thats-okay: YOU COMPARED ME TO THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK THIEF (which I have never read, is it good?). And was that enough Zammie for you? For all of you guys? And Josh is insufficient in this story. You don't have to care about Josh right now. ;)**

**To Liela54352: Thanks! Yeah, I noticed that too (I portrayed her that way in... I think DCOMA?). Thanks for reviewing!**

**To hannahslye: I made you cry. I don't know if I should apologize for that or say thank you because it means I got a lot of emotion out of you or whatever but I'll do both- I'm sorry, thank you!**

**To previously known as Guest: From now on I'll put you as smile-is-the-best-disguise or a variation of some sorts of that, MMKAY? ;D But dude, thanks for that review. Seriously. Inspired that whole chapter.**

**To SummerTime15: Since you did your review this way, my response will be similar. *sighs* Zach... In this chapter... Was overly adorable? Tbh I'm bound to get some criticism for making him this way in my story, but note to all of you, this is an AU, in case you couldn't tell (alternate universe). They will be different. Also I may have bitten my tongue once or twice after writing and rereading the pizza part... BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME HAVING A ZACHARY GOODE WOULD MAKE ME SOOO HAPPY. IT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. *cackles menacingly and rubs hands together in an evil but plotting manner* I know that your secret is... THAT YOU WANT A ZACH! Anyways, thanks for all your support since like FOREVER, you're incredible.**

**To Kayla: Thanks for all your reviews, hope you liked this chap!**

**AHHH I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH IN A TOTALLY NORMAL NON-CREEPY WAY! I might do this response thing every once in a while, when I have the time. Nanananana I was gonna type something but then I forgot... =_= I'm so tireddddd**

**So the pizza thing came to me when I was making pizza for dinner, and the wearing Zach's shirt thing came to me when I was wearing this super comfy, oversized gray t-shirt.**

**MY ANIME IS ENDING (or maybe ended by the time I post this.). Aaaaand I have been watching TOO MUCH LAUREN COOPER SKITS. Can someone please scold me for my recent love for Lauren Cooper (watch it on YouTube.) She's sooo funny, though. If you have seen her, then, "Aaaaaalright." and "Am I bothered? Am I bothered? Look at my face. Look at my face. I'm not bothered. I ain't bothered. I ain't bothered. Ask me if I'm bothered. Ask me if I'm bothered. Ask me if I'm bothered."**

**"Are you bothered?"**

**"No, 'cause I AIN'T BOTHERED!"**

**OMIGOSH I love her so much. Or, her character, which is played by Catherine Tate. Anyways, I already did the shout outs, so don't forget to RFRF!**


	18. Chapter 18

"You're too sweet."

"No, I'm too Goode."

I shoved him.

He had blindfolded me with a blue rag, and I felt as if I was wandering aimlessly with only an arm around my waist to guide me. My apprehensiveness must have showed, and I hoped that Zach wasn't offended that...

That I didn't trust him when I was blindfolded. Why didn't I?

"I'm going to let go of you briefly to take off your blindfold, okay?" I nodded and the warmth around my waist disappeared, as did the blindfold.

"Oh."

I was standing on a hill that overlooked the city. Which, admittedly, was very pretty. "And..." I turned around at the sound of his voice. "Do you like conventions? What about tours? Do you like going on tours?" He handed me a white sealed envelope, and I opened it, tearing the envelope.

A letter.

_Dear Cameron Morgan,_

_Hi. We'd like to invite you to come to our annual YouTube convention, VidCon. You'll be touring with Zachary Goode, and your plane tickets and hotel reservation information is within the miscellaneous contents of this envelope. We hope you join us and other YouTubers at this annual event! Please make sure to RSVP us at-_

"I'm going to VidCon," I said stubbornly.

"You are," the smirking boy said.

"I'm going to VidCon," I repeated, a smile growing on my face. His expression matched mine as he said, "You are."

"I'm going to VidCon!" I yelled, throwing my arms around the most amazing YouTuber ever. "Who'll be there?" I asked, pulling away. He smirked. "Only a few of my friends..." I slapped his arm. "To you, a few is equivalent to a couple hundred." I studied him. "A couple hundred famous people."

We didn't even kiss or anything like that. We just sat there, my fingers pulling grass out of the ground and just talking, almost like a psych session.

"The trial's tomorrow."

"I know."

"I kinda have to go, but I don't want to."

"Why not?"

"I don't know... I guess it's just my mindset."

"Understandable."

His phone rang, and he answered it.

"Hello?... Oh... Okay... So you... Mmkay. Be there soon. Yeah. Love you too." He looked at me. "Bailey wants us home." I nodded, and almost forgot about the next day as Zach hugged me and placed the envelope in my bag.

VidCon.

That might be fun.

If nothing got in the way, that is.

..

_One more day until the trial of Matthew Andrew Morgan._

..

This was the day.

The day of the trial of Matthew Andrew Morgan.

My dad.

Some people may think I hate my dad. I do, but not completely and not with all my soul.

I hate my dad for breaking my family apart.

There were good times before, and those good times made me realize I love him.

You're kind of forced to love your family as you grow up. But I don't even know what love is, so I'd be quite unqualified to say whether I love someone or not.

..

I guess the rain was a surefire sign I shouldn't have gone to the trial. It rained so, so hard. Zach asked to come, but he wasn't allowed to.

Grant and I were riding in different cars, because I wanted to leave a little later than he did.

I should've gone with him.

The roads were wet. Slippery. Hard to control your car. The meteorologist on the radio said that we were getting more than seven inches of rain. "If you're heading to I-58, you might want to bypass the traffic on Perr and take Kaery. Perr is currently starting to flood and traffic is getting heavier as I speak."

I took her advice, taking Kaery Road.

I took the turns slowly at first, my headlights on all the way. I glanced out the window of the passenger side of my car briefly and saw the trees growing on the hillside. And when I looked back at the road, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I also had a brief sense of relief. I suddenly wanted to die. Why?

My mother was dead. That had finally, suddenly, sunk in. And she had died because of my _dad._

My father was in jail. I knew it would come to that.

My brother was now an alcoholic, because of my dad. I wondered if he was trying to quit.

My family was broken.

It was all his fault. My dad's.

My family was broken.

My family _is_ broken.

My family is broken.

Tears spilled from my eyes and I squinted, trying to see. But the rain had gotten heavier, and my windshield wipers were moving too slowly to see anything clearly. There was a haze of light that got brighter as it neared- another car. My hands were wet with my tears and they slipped, not only my hands on the steering wheel but the wheels on the car itself slipping and swerving and-

When a truck crashed into the driver side of my car, I didn't flinch, didn't scream. I might have purposely swerved my car to make sure it hit the truck.

I blacked out as the airbags blew up and the truck collided into my side.

I suddenly didn't have anyone to love anymore.

And it was surprising, yet expected to me that-

I was relieved.

An invisible burden of possibly hurting someone had been lifted off my shoulders.

I was relieved.

..

_One missed call from Grant Morgan._

_Two missed calls from Grant Morgan._

_Three missed calls from Grant Morgan._

_Four missed calls from Grant Morgan._

_Five missed calls from Grant Morgan._

_One missed call from Zachary Goode._

_Seven total missed calls._

_Eight total missed calls._

_One new text message from Zachary Goode._

_One new text message from Grant Morgan._

_Three total new text messages._

_Four total new text messages._

_Nine total missed calls._

_One new message from Grant Morgan._

_Where are you?_

..

"Hey, Cam, it's Grant. Have you left the house yet? Oh, you're probably driving..."

"The trial's started. Where are you?"

"Cammie, I'm really worried, where are you?"

"Hello? Cammie? Please, please pick up. There's a storm moving in the area, please be okay..."

"Cammie? Cammie? Oh, God, please be okay."

"Hey, Gallagher Girl, you stranded somewhere? Grant's worried about you, I am too... Cammie, Cammie, Cammie? Do you need me to pick you up... DID YOU TAKE KAERY ROAD? News..."

"ARE YOU ON KAERY?"

"Oh, God, Cammie, PICK UP!"

_Gallagher Girl, if you are driving, pull over and call me NOW._

_Cam, if you're driving, pull over and text me NOW._

_Cam, are you on Kaery?_

_Gallagher Girl, I'm praying to GOD right now you're not on Kaery._

"There was a fatal crash on Kaery, Gallagher Girl, TELL ME YOU ARE OKAY!"

_Call me or text me NOW. Call or text me and tell me you're safe..._

..

"GRANT, NEWS, NOW." Zach hung up, but I could hear the urgency in his voice. I picked up the remote and flipped the channel.

A crash scene and a female voice.

"We are interrupting your regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news. This is a live view of Kaery Road from Chopper 15, the main crash involving a truck and a car. We are getting calls from authorities that there were at least forty people involved, the drivers of the two vehicles and drivers and passengers and drivers of other cars. Authorities are telling us that they have recovered two bodies from the fiery wreckage, a male and a female, both unconscious. Apparently a car had swerved and hit the truck, which caused cars behind both vehicles on both lanes to collide with the main accident because of the rain and Kaery's uneven roadways. The only two free roads to I-58 are now blocked with traffic, flooding, and this accident, rumored to grow to be the biggest in state history to match with our record breaking rainfall within a 24 hour period in the United States. We will continue to update you as soon as we receive more information about this tragedy."

There was a storm earlier, and one of only two roads to the interstate was full of traffic and flooding. The only alternative was Kaery.

Oh, God, please tell me she didn't take it.

I called her phone.

I texted.

I prayed.

I cried.

They had continued the trial even though Cammie wasn't there. They called me to the stand to testify.

My dad had been proven guilty. Which was what he deserved, after all. When the judge had called a break to let the jury decide, I called Zach and asked him to text or call Cammie. When I went home and Cammie wasn't there, I called and texted again...

There was no reply.

I walked into her room and sat on her bed, where a poster had been put up.

_Hope can be a dangerous thing. But sometimes, it's all you can do to keep yourself alive._

I'm hoping.

..

Isn't it weird to think that everything you know about right now could be a lie? Think about it. Everything you know, you learned from somewhere. Someplace.

Someone.

And you never know what a person is thinking, besides how they express it in words, movement, pictures, etc. So they could be lying.

For all you know, your whole life could be a lie.

But you've trusted your friends, you've trusted your family. You've trusted strangers (teachers) to teach you everything you know, and you've trusted the internet.

And we all know how shady the internet can be sometimes.

..

My unconscious mind wandered, wondering things that I didn't think to wonder until then. I couldn't open my eyes. I could hear white noise, shouting. It smelled like the hospital, and I saw myself on a stretcher being wheeled to the emergency room, only... It didn't feel like I was on a stretcher.

..

"All victims that have been recovered so far have been airlifted to Wayliff Hospital. All injuries at this time have been reported as either serious or critical, many with life threatening injuries. We do not have any names at this time of any victims."

..

"I'm going with you."

"Zach-"

"Wayliff is an hour away from here, maybe even two depending on the traffic. And you know how I feel about her."

"Fine. But they might not let you in-"

"I don't care. I want to be there as soon as she wakes up."

No one said the thought Grant Morgan and Zachary Goode were thinking.

_If_ she wakes up.

..

"Hey, Gallagher Girl, calling to make sure you weren't on Kaery, call or text Grant and I ASAP."

I looked over at the worried brother driving furiously. He cursed at the rain, cursed at the heavy traffic. I understood him, feeling his frustration. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel, his clench growing tighter. We were both encased in worry.

She had to be okay.

..

As I paced back and forth in the hospital waiting room, I thought about her depression. Her being suicidal.

And I closed my eyes, hoping she wasn't trying to commit suicide.

Why hadn't I told her yet? Why had I been so stupid before, waiting to tell her that I knew? I stood up, my hands clenching into fists. This might've been all my fault, if I had told her then-

"Zachary Goode?"

I turned towards the nurse, my eyes blazing with worry and frustration.

"Where is she, is she okay, I need to see her-"

"I'm sorry, sir, you cannot see her at this time, she is in critical condition-"

"I NEED TO SEE HER!"

The older nurse opened her arms and I fell into them, needing a shoulder to cry on.

"There, there. I understand-"

I pulled away from her, wiping my nose with the back of my sleeve.

"No, you don't understand. You have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IN THE E.R. AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN YOUR FAULT-"

"ZACHARY!" She yelled. "Don't you dare tell me I do not know. I was in the exact same position you were in New York on 9/11. Don't you dare tell me I do not know what utter grief and regret feels like."

My heart stopped.

"I'm... I'm so sorry," I whispered. She nodded. "No, it's okay-"

"It's not okay though! My Gallagher Girl is dying, and I just offended a victim of 9/11-"

"Can you not interrupt?!" She let out a breathy laugh, tears spilling onto her cheeks. "Please don't refer to me as a victim, and please don't apologize. I do really know what you are going through, because I did the exact same thing you did when I was in the hospital waiting to hear about my love."

I sighed and sat down in the chair, my face wet but drying. "My Gallagher Girl is dying. And all I can think about is how I might have been able to stop her from going on Kaery." The nurse nodded and hugged me once before slipping away.

I was alone again.

..

A man, perhaps only a few years older than Zach, walked up to Zachary Goode.

"You must be deeply worried," he said. Zach looked up at the blonde haired man standing in front of him. "My daughter was in the Kaery accident. My wife as well, and my son." He sat down next to Zach. "They are the only reason I live." Zach wrapped an arm around the stranger, and they embraced in a hug.

They had connected through a fatal accident. Two strangers brought together-

Through empathy.

As they headed their separate ways, they had not gotten the others name.

But they knew that they weren't alone in this if they lost their loved ones.

They were together.

..

"Sir, you will be escorted to the hospital."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry to inform you that your daughter, Cameron, is in the emergency room at Wayliff. There was an accident on Kaery, and you are being allowed to see her at this time._"_

_What?_

..

"Bailey Goode speaking, how may I help you?"

"Hello, this is Amanda from Wayliff Hospital. I believe you are the guardian of Cameron Morgan?"

I didn't hesitate before saying yes.

"We need you to come to Wayliff immediately. She was in a fatal crash on Kaery and-"

"I'm driving now."

..

**I changed POVs A LOT in this chapter. Sorry about that. So here's a key, if you needed it, that goes in order with whose POV each section of the chapter was. I classify sections as the double periods like these:**

..

**Got it? Here's the order:**

**Cammie**

**Third**

**Cammie**

**Cammie**

**Third**

**Third**

**Grant**

**Cammie**

**Cammie**

**Third**

**Third**

**Zach**

**Zach**

**Third**

**Matthew**

**Bailey**

**AN**

**Hope that helps. This chapter is probably pretty confusing.**

**WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. I GOT 104 REVIEWS. WUTWUTWUTWUTWUT Have I mentioned just HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU GUYS?! From here *runs around entire universe* to here times infinity times infinity times infinity times infinity to the infinite power! I think that it is absolutely INCREDIBLE that I have readers from ALL OVER THE WORLD- U.S., Canada, U.K., Australia and like the whole continent of Asia. I love to hear from you guys and your stories, because I get this weird but amazing thrill of empathy from hearing from you guys.**

**Shout out to SUNNIVA STEINER for being my 100th reviewer! Girl, you're an amazing person with an amazing heart. You've been following my story ever since it started, and I owe you a million for that. Thank you so so much, your support- EVERYONE'S support makes me feel like one of the luckiest and happiest people alive. You guys should be proud of yourselves. So give yourself a pat on the back and pretend that today, I'm your Zachary Goode (Imperfect version). So if you need to talk to anyone, again, I'm always here.**

***rereads whole story and every AN* Sometimes I wonder if I'm too cliche...**

**ANYWAYS a future chapter will be at/about VidCon, so if you've ever been, can you email me, leave it in a review or PM me about what it was like? And out of curiosity, are any of you guys on YouTube? Also if you have any suggestions for which YouTubers you'd like for me to see include in future chaps let me know... And tell me who your favorite YouTuber is.**

**If you're on YouTube, leave me your username so I can check out some of your videos, and I MIGHT put you in my story! If you're a famous YouTuber then I'm probably going to put you as a VidCon host or signing autographs or whatevs. Anyways, rest of shout outs:**

**Shout outs to hannahslye, smile-is-the-best-disguise, we-all-change, Kayla, Sunniva Steiner, Hello, alilrose, purplemockingjay4, and JustDon'tFlickrrr!**

**Don't forget to RFRF! Love you all!**


	19. Chapter 19

"What are you doing here?"

"She is my daughter."

"But you never loved her."

"I did-"

"You did. But now you don't."

"Cammie is my daughter," I said calmly. "I will see her if I want to-"

"I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO NEAR HER!" His fist swung out and hit my cheek, but my son didn't apologize for it, and I understood why. I must have deserved it.

"You have no idea how much she has been suffering because of you. I will not let you near her to hurt her again." I punched Grant. "SHE IS MY DAUGHTER!" Security guards rushed in, separating me from him.

I was going to see my daughter.

She needed to know why I did what I did.

..

"I can't see her?"

I looked at the worried boy. He must have loved her so much. "I'm sorry, Mr. Goode. Only family is permitted at this time."

"But what if my sister's her guardian? Can I go see her then?" I hesitated and thought about it.

"Alright. But only for a few minutes. And you will go home and get some sleep after this," I finished. He had been staying in the hospital waiting room ever since she had been admitted. He nodded and followed me to her room.

"I'll give you two some privacy," I said, opening the door to the dark room to preserve the equipment being used to stabilize her until they could run surgery. For now, she was bandaged up and on life support.

..

The nurse left the room after showing me the emergency button and the nurse call-in button in case something went wrong. She made sure I knew where the heart monitor was, and made me promise to watch it closely.

It seemed like forever before she left.

"Oh, Gallagher Girl," I moaned, kneeling by her bed and reaching for her...

Her hand.

Her bandaged hand.

I had seen that type of injury before, and knew it wouldn't be long until they would completely remove her arm to avoid an infection.

_No._

I ran my hand along her stable but seemingly lifeless body, toying with the edges of the bandages. Silent tears ran down my face onto the bandage around her torso. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I'm so, so sorry."

I kissed her forehead, cupped her cheek with my hand. I couldn't help but think that I might be kissing a dead body. But I didn't care. What I knew was that it was Cammie's. Her skin was warm, and I took comfort in that at least she was alive.

At least she was alive.

But sometimes my optimism was a curse.

..

I heard his voice. I know I heard his voice. And I had felt his lips on my skin, and I was overcome with the motivation to open my eyes and wake up.

I pushed myself past my limit.

..

The heart rate monitor suddenly started to go faster, its beeps louder. My own heart started to accelerate in pace in fear. I pounded the emergency button and opened the door, yelling for help.

"HELP! DOCTOR! PLEASE, SHE'S-"

I was pushed aside by a doctor, and a nurse held me against the wall. "Sir, you have to calm down-"

"I CAN'T CALM DOWN SHE MIGHT DIE!"

I was pushed out of the room and the nurse closed the door on me, and I looked through the small window. The doctor had picked up an AED and she was now using it on Cammie. I heard one of the other nurses shout "Clear!" before the doctor used it again.

Cammie's body jolted up and then relaxed back down every time they used it, and it tore my heart into a million pieces that she was suffering. But I couldn't look away. Eventually they stopped once she was stable, but they closed off the room to everyone except medical personnel.

..

A tall, scruff man ran down the hall, his eyes darting around, scanning room numbers. He stopped in front of Cammie's door and stared at me, breathless.

"Who are you?"

"Zachary Goode," I said, trying to hide the panic in my voice. "I'm the brother of her guardian. Who are you?"

His eyes widened.

"I'm her father."

..

I punched his already bruised eye.

"YOU," I yelled. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" He shook his head and wiped the blood away from the corner of his eye. "WHAT DID I DO?" He yelled back, and I saw security guards run for us. "You're the reason she's suicidal and depressed," I spat out. "It's your fault that she's attempted suicide, and it's your fault that she decided to attempt suicide yesterday and end up here!"

He was pulled away by security guards before I heard his response.

If he had one, that is.

..

_One week later._

..

"Hey guys, and welcome to VidCon! We hope you're..."

The YouTuber's voice became white noise to me, and I waited for my cue.

"But before we get started, we've got Zach Goode here with something really important to all of us in the YouTube community."

I walked on the stage, waving at the crowds and hugging Lily briefly. I waited for the shouts and applause to die down before speaking into the microphone.

"Hi guys, I'm Zach Goode, in case you didn't know." Shouts and applause again.

"So how many of you guys know Cammie Morgan?"

The response was huge. Everyone was yelling, clapping.

"Awesome. She was actually supposed to be here today..." I trailed off and looked to the side for some YouTuber support. They all had grave faces, we were all mourning.

"She was... Cammie..." I pulled away from the microphone and all the other YouTubers waiting on the side walked onto the stage. I was pulled into a group hug with some of my closest friends, and I choked on my tears that spilled while O2L and Connor took the mic.

"Cammie was in a fatal accident a week ago," Ricky said. "Right now she's in Wayliff Hospital in critical condition with life threatening injuries." I took a deep breath and walked back to the microphone where the crowd had hushed.

"Doctors say that they might have to induce a coma on her after they operate, but if they put her in a coma, then she has to wake up on her own. And she might be in a coma for hours, days, months... Years. I'd like for us to help her pay medical bills. We have a website opened and developed where you can donate, and any donation would be a huge help. If we can raise enough money to cover medical bills of more than 30,000 dollars, then I'll release a special video with the help of all these guys."

Connor took the microphone from me.

"None of us have ever met Cammie in person. But we have watched her videos, we do ship Zammie, and we've obviously all met Zach. Because this effects a YouTuber, it effects the whole YouTube community." Connor paused. "Not only will he be doing a special video, but so will all of us on stage right now." I smiled gratefully at everyone. "We hope you'll donate to Cammie's recovery," JC finished, and I walked off the stage feeling like I was on the top of the world-

But alone.

Because Cammie wasn't there to share the moment with me.

..

_Beep._

_Beep_.

_Beep_.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

"Cameron Morgan is stable. You know the stakes of this operation, right?"

Nods all around. We stood there around patient 1692's bed. I rubbed my hands together and put the stethoscope back around my neck. "You guys go prep her. I'll be in the room soon."

"Doctor Williams?"

"Yes, Grace?"

"Isn't this just like the Kessinger?"

Kessinger was the last name of one of our last patients, who was in a fatal car crash much like Cameron Morgan's.

We lost him when trying out a new surgical procedure, and after that, Grace was terrified to operate on anyone ever again, and she swore never to use the procedure that if one little thing went wrong, the patient would die.

This was her first operation since.

She wanted redemption.

She couldn't bear to be the cause of a death.

But Grace was a talented surgeon. She would be perfectly fine.

Hopefully.

..

"The Kaery Road accident was the biggest road collision in state history, so far injuries to more than fifty people and twenty eight deaths. There are still many people in the hospital undergoing surgery, including recently famed YouTuber, Cammie Morgan, who was in the accident."

..

"How's she doing?"

"She'll be going through surgery tomorrow-"

"I'll be there-"

"Zach."

"Yeah?"

"I... It's probably best if you're... Not there."

"What? Of course I have to be there, she's-"

"Zach, it's not going to make a difference if you do or don't. And as your legal guardian and sister, I want you to go home and get some much needed sleep. You were sleeping in the hospital for six days straight, until you left for VidCon."

"But Bailey-"

"No buts. Why don't you stay there for a while with your friends, get a video done? Maybe that's what Cammie wants you to do."

"... Fine."

..

"You holding up okay?" Connor asked me. I shrugged, nodded. I didn't really know. "Did you hear anything else on her?"

"Only that she'll be going through surgery soon. I wanted to be there, but..." I trailed off. "I just want to be there with her every step of the way." Connor smiled, one side of his mouth lifting higher than the other. "You guys are really cute together." I nodded. "I know."

"Hello?" The voice was muted through the door, and the person knocked again. Connor stood up, and I pulled my feet up on his incredibly comfy couch.

"Hey, Connor, Zach." Five YouTubers walked in- Lily, Joe, Marcus, Zoë, and Cameron, all of which I had done at least one collab with. "Okay," Lily said. "Which one? Chocolate, vanilla, chocolate chip cookie dough, mint chocolate chip, Neapolitan, or Oreo?" She held up a plastic bag from Fred Meyers.

"Give me all."

Their eyes widened. "You're taking this really bad, aren't you?" Cameron asked. I nodded miserably and waited for them to sit down next to me on the couch and hand me my seven mini tubs of ice cream.

"I didn't say this at VidCon. But... The doctors say that there's a pretty big possibility for more than a few complications. If something goes wrong, the least impactful outcome would be her permanently losing hearing on her right ear, and..." I bit my lip. "And her being permanently mentally scarred. The doctors say she might have PTSD. They won't know until she wakes up..." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, leaning on Zoë who wrapped an arm around me.

"It'll be okay. Cammie will make it through just fine, and when she's all better, we'll collab."

Operations in a life or death situation are obviously very risky. But this was different. If something happened to Cammie, I would never forgive myself knowing that it might have been all my fault.

Her chances of surviving, if nothing went wrong, was at 42 percent. Fairly low. But Cammie was strong.

Cammie had been through far more than I could imagine, and I knew that there was still more to her story that I didn't know about. She was strong.

My Gallagher Girl was strong like that.

..

"Doctor Williams, we've got to call off the operation now."

Cameron Morgan's arm had just been removed and replaced, we still had to work on skin grafts and stitches.

"Wait, what?"

"The machine's defective. It's wrong. We have the wrong information-"

"Are you telling me that the best hospital in the state has defective equipment? And there is absolutely no way we can call off the procedure now, we're too far in."

I looked at everyone around me. "We need to do something, and we need to do it now. So what do we do?"

There are three words that ever surgeon hates to hear in the middle of a crucial surgery, a surgery that would be the difference between life or death.

"I don't know."

_Cameron Morgan's survival rate had suddenly plummeted to_ _less than fifteen percent_.

..

**An AED is like those metal rectangle looking things that you put on the chest of the person to like... Tbh the best reference I can make to an AED is from Doctor Who. There's that one episode where one of the Doctor's hearts stops? I think. But yeah, and then Amy takes an AED and uses it on him. It's the episode with the black boxes, if you wanted to know, with Eleven.**

**If you guys want to check out the YouTubers I put in my story, I put in:**

iisuperwomani**i**

**O2L**

**Ricky Dillon**

JC Caylen

**Connor Franta**

**Thatcherjoe**

**Marcus Butler**

**Zoella**

Cameron Dallas

**I totally recommend you check out their videos because I am MASSIVE fans of all of them.**

**Also addressing this kind of offensive review I got. If you want to check it out, I'm not stopping you, but I keep on thinking that I shouldn't be offended because the person told me to hurry up and review and I'm not the kind of person who'll review on their own story... I think the person meant update, but I'm really hoping that they didn't mean the words they said. Because even though I am doing this for you guys and myself, I can't update weekly, daily, et cetera. For me, school comes first even though I typically hate the class work I have. If I'm not updating in like a month, that probably means I have this huge load of homework or that I have writers block or that I am just really stressed.**

**Currently it is all of them. I am sorry, but I do have stuff to do. You may not, and I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, but I really, REALLY can't.**

**Anyways, shout outs go to Sunniva Steiner, smile-is-the-best-disguise, zammieforever, Soul of Essence, we-all-change, Kayla, wordmeister259, alilrose, nobody's angel love, jojolover, and hannahslye! Please RFRF and send me your (constructively criticized) thoughts!**


	20. Chapter 20

_Was I alive? Was I living? Was anything I've ever known truly real?_

_What is reality? If everything we've ever known could be a lie, then..._

_Does reality even exist?_

..

"Well," Grace whispered. "We could do the Kessinger."

The Kessinger. A medical procedure only done once before, which resulted in the death of a patient. It consisted of opening the patient's body completely and...

It was risky. Bloody and risky. Blood loss was a huge issue the first and only time we did it. That was how Kessinger died, blood loss and his heart stopped. We tried to revive him, but it was already too late.

"Grace-"

"We don't really have a choice, do we? And I'm the only one who's ever performed the Kessinger, which means I'll have to do it, right?"

We didn't move, didn't say anything. We sure didn't want to support her, but we couldn't exactly contradict her either.

"We'll do it," another nurse piped up. "But we'll have to do it soon while we can."

I pulled the stethoscope off my neck and put it around Grace's, the stethoscope being the mark of importance and being a doctor.

"Okay, Doctor Grace Till. Run us through the procedure."

..

_I think humans are too trusting. I mean, we trust information from people we don't even know, and we can never know what's going inside a person's head, so how do we know if they're telling the truth or not? Why am I so trusting?_

..

I now had the stethoscope. I was the doctor- I was the leader of the room. I drew in a deep breath.

"Okay. Here's what we need to do." I told them the procedure step by step, going as fast as I could in order to operate on Cameron Morgan as soon as possible.

"If her heart stops during this, I need one of you to watch her temperature. Holden, I'm putting you in charge of that. From then on, we'll continue to try and get her heart pumping again, and we have until her temperature reaches 95 degrees or higher. If her temperature exceeds that, then there's nothing else we can do." Curt nods and glances around the room filled the silent gap after my words. I glanced at her medical information that had been taped to the wall for quick and easy access.

"She's blood type A? How much supply of that blood do we have in the hospital, Williams?"

"Fifty two ounces."

"We might need more. Call in a nurse and ask them to order out for twenty five more ounces at least. We need to make sure we have a consistent supply of blood."

"How much blood did Kessinger lose during the operation, Grace?"

I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Sixty five ounces."

The average human body has 128 to 160 ounces of blood in the body. A human can lose 64 ounces of blood before death.

We were so close to saving him.

And if Cameron Morgan kicked the bucket because she had lost one more ounce of blood-

I would never forgive myself.

..

"Now. Now. Now. Now."

"Hover there a bit, let me check... Okay, drop."

"Holden."

"Eighty two degrees."

"Time frame?"

"Two hours so far."

The operation had moved so slowly until we had a slip up.

"What?"

"The blood supply. We're out. We've used all the blood we've ordered, all of the blood supply in the hospital-"

"WE NEED MORE BLOOD NOW!"

"There's no more blood in the region. We've contacted several facilities in state and out, but they won't get here in time-"

"Get them to me NOW."

All we could do was wait. We tried to close up some vessels.

The door flew open. "I have sixteen ounces, other hospitals are shipping now."

I sighed in relief and continued work. We were all tired, stressed.

Our patient probably was too.

Because her heart stopped pumping in the middle of our operation.

..

"Zach?"

"Bailey, hi, any update?"

"Zach..."

"... Hello? Bailey?"

"Zach, her heart-"

"What about it?"

I hesitated. Did I want to break his heart and tell him? How would he react?

"Zach... Her heart stopped pumping earlier today."

Silence on the other end, and then the clicks of a computer mouse.

"I just bought a ticket for the next plane to get me as close as possible to Wayliff. Which YouTubers do you want me to bring?"

"What?"

"Which. YouTubers. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Bring."

"... Can you get all of them?"

"I can get Tyler, Joe, Marcus, Jack, Finn, Zoë, Grace, Jenn, and six other YouTubers. I can bring three of them along."

"Zach, she needs _you_ right now."

"Done."

..

Her heart stopped during the operation.

Her heart stopped.

And I might not be able to get there in time.

..

"Grace, she's unstable-"

"CAMERON MORGAN IS NOT GOING TO DIE. I WILL NOT BE THE CAUSE OF DEATH FOR ANOTHER PATIENT!"

"Her temperature is rising quickly, Grace, there's not much-"

"WILLIAMS. I AM THE DOCTOR RIGHT NOW AND YOU WILL FOLLOW MY ORDERS EXACTLY. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP ON HER."

..

_Being alive is hard. Sometimes it's easier to just give up._

_Oh hey, six. Sixth attempt suicide._

_Six is my lucky number._

..

**THAT was short. Sorry. And POV list goes, Cammie, Williams, Cammie, Grace, Grace, Bailey, Zach, Grace, and Cammie.**

**Because this chapter was so short, I'm promising you guys at least a 2,000 word next chapter. But you might have to wait a bit longer because I am, busy as always.**

**I have another fanfic recommendation, a Hunter Being Hunted by dontjudgethefatkid! I absolutely love it, so I recommend you guys go try it out!**

**RFRF, and shout outs to hannahslye, Soul of Essence, we-all-change, crying person (Whoa.), howtobecrazzy101, Guest, Sunniva Steiner, Wordmeister259, and SummerTime15, who should not be ashamed. ;)**

**Also, I made it to 52 followers and 35 favorites, thanks so much for that!**


	21. Chapter 21

"Ninety degrees."

..

"Grant Morgan?"

"Yes?" I stood up, facing the nurse. "The doctors cannot come see you at this time. Her heart stopped in the middle of the operation."

The nurse left me to stand there on shaky feet, a spinning head and as a man who was hoping the world would never fade to black, both for his sister and himself.

I had unanswered questions. I knew Cammie had secrets. And I knew that there were very few people in the world who could possibly give me answers.

One I could call, text, but not reach in time.

His name was Zachary Goode.

One was dead.

Her name was Rachel Morgan.

And one was in jail as a father who wants to talk to his daughter.

Matthew Andrew Morgan, imprisoned for the murder of Rachel Morgan.

I promised myself to go to great extents for answers.

Even if it meant facing a murderer.

Even if it meant facing the person I hated most.

Even if it meant talking to my dad.

..

"Eighty nine degrees."

..

I decided to film on the flight.

"Hey guys, Zach here and I'm posting this to my collab channel and my personal one. I'm on my way to Wayliff hospital, Cammie..."

Is, as a word, can be horrible. I could have used it to finish that sentence in a majority of ways.

Is in surgery.

Is being operated on.

Is dead.

"She's in surgery right now... And... And..." I sighed. "Sorry, you guys, I won't be editing this video because I want you guys to get an update as soon as possible. I know that as a YouTuber, I should probably be trying to showcase my best work, but right now I'm really worried. I might not even post this video. But if I do... Her heart stopped during the operation, and I'm flying there to see her. Reminder, please donate to help her pay off medical bills, links will be in the box below. It was awesome seeing you guys at VidCon."

I closed my camera just as a flight stewardess walked by and informed me that we would land in only a few minutes.

_Please be okay, Cammie._

_I..._

_I..._

_I can't live without you._

..

"Ninety degrees."

..

"You have a visitor," the big, burly guard told me, and I bit my tongue in hopes that it would be my daughter.

"Grant?"

He sat down on a bench across from my cell, then leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his face level with mine.

"Why?"

I blinked in confusion, then let a small smirk graze my lips.

"What do you mean, why? You know I'm an old man, I need context."

He shifted a bit but continued to stare at me intensely.

"_Why_ are you an alcoholic? _Why_ did you kill mom? _What do you know about my sister?"_

My smirk faded and my forehead creased.

"You and Cammie both thought I was the bad guy, didn't you?"

He rolled his eyes. "We do. I need my answers-"

"You said do," I interrupted. "So she's alright?"

His face betrayed no emotion. "I'm not going to tell you about her state or condition until you give me the answers I need."

I nodded, only because I needed to know how my daughter was.

"And just so you know, I didn't kill your mother."

..

"Ninety one degrees."

..

I laughed.

"Likely story. There's evidence-"

"Oh, but that's the wrong evidence. Ever wonder if I had been framed?"

"You weren't framed," I shot back at him. "You have an alibi. An excuse. A reason to do what you did-"

"And would those reasons be a great way to frame someone?"

He leaned closer to me so our faces almost touched.

"I didn't kill your mother. She killed herself."

Suicide.

"Do you need context now, Grant?"

I didn't move, only blinked once.

"I'll take that as a yes."

..

"Ninety two degrees."

..

"Your mother loved you and Cammie. And she hated me, telling me that she couldn't love me anymore after I had abused the trio of you. I made her stay, though. Anyways, she wanted me to suffer for making our family suffer. She wanted me to go to jail. But she couldn't prove it, apparently. So she took old beer bottles and made them explode while she was driving in her car, knowing she would die."

My son was dubious. He raised an eyebrow and asked, "And how would you know all this?"

I shrugged. "I had gotten her drunk. She spilled everything to me."

He straightened his back, folded his hands in his lap.

"I don't believe you."

I knew he would say that.

"But you're persuading me. Keep at it. Right now I need to go to my sister."

My eyes lit up briefly, in hope. "How... How is she?" I asked, trying not to let too much of my excitement leak into my voice.

Tears brimmed his eyes and threatened to fall out as he whispered, "Her heart stopped in the middle of the operation."

He left silently.

_Go, Grant. Go make sure my daughter is okay._

And I was left to sit alone in the dark corner of my cell; alone, lonely, and wondering.

..

"Ninety three degrees."

..

I ran through the second floor hallways of Wayliff hospital, desperately looking for room 273, where Cammie was being operated on. They had a huge glass screen and I pressed my hands against the cool glass, my eyes darting around the room trying to catch a glimpse of Cammie's face.

But no.

I saw blood.

Too much blood.

One of the surgeons pulled away, hands dripping with blood that I could only hope wasn't Cammie's. The surgeon moved to the sink, rinsing off his hands to get the blood off before resuming. I glanced at a heart rate monitor nearby.

It was still.

Another screen was up, presumably showing her temperature at an ever fluctuating 93 degrees. She could die at any moment.

And she would never know that I loved her.

..

"Ninety four degrees."

..

"Zach," I said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. His breathing labored but he didn't turn away from the surgery.

"Zach," I said louder, hoping to get his attention. He only pushed harder against the glass window, silent. I placed my other hand on his shoulder and had to force him to face me.

I hadn't seen him since he had left for VidCon. He must have worried so much about her, and I could only tell because of his bloodshot eyes and visible bags under his eyes. He was stressed, worried, and dying inside.

One of the worst things to ever feel.

His lips moved but his eyes seemed glazed over and he acted as if he was off in a different world, distant. I had to wait a few minutes before I could make out what he was mumbling to himself.

"She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay. She'll be okay."

We heard a shout from inside the surgery room and immediately broke off our gaze to look inside the other room, expecting sorrow and Cammie's death.

..

_Temperature: 96 degrees._

_Heart Rate: 75 bpm._

..

"SHE'S STABLE!"

The heart rate monitor was now showing that Cameron Morgan's heart was beating at a steady 75 beats per minute.

Cammie Morgan had just survived the Kessinger.

I had almost redeemed myself. I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face, and everyone around the table turned to hug the person next to them.

The surgery was over.

A teenager and a woman probably only a few years older than him were peering through the glass window, their eyes wide with worry but softening when they saw our smiles. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen after pulling off my gloves and wrote,

CM IS ALIVE

I turned back to the operating table, immensely proud of myself and my team.

I had just performed the Kessinger for the second time.

And Cammie Morgan was now a survivor.

..

"Doctors at Wayliff have been working a forty eight hour shift all the way through on famed YouTuber Cammie Morgan, who had been injured in the Kaery accident. Her family has released a statement that Cammie is quote '...Stable, and awake. More importantly, Cammie Morgan is alive and we have Doctor Grace Till to thank for that.' A new procedure known as the Kessinger had been done on Morgan, and she is the only person to have survived after being operated on."

..

"So I can see her now?" Doctor Williams nodded and ushered me to her room. Doctors decided to induce a coma on her, it had been almost a week since they put her in her comatose state.

Now they were allowing visitors.

The room had been freshly sprayed with something before I entered, some scented germ killer. Cammie was hooked up to a little less than half of the machines in the room.

She looked almost peaceful lying there on the hospital bed. Her eyes were closed, her hair fanned across the pillow.

It was much like the time I visited her before surgery. But this time I avoided touching her body, which was covered in casts and bandages. I wanted to reach and grab and hold her hand, but no. I couldn't.

I was physically unable to hold her left hand, or run my fingers down her arm.

Doctors had removed it during surgery.

_Don't panic when you wake up, Cammie. I promise everything will be okay._

..

I wanted so badly to open my eyes. I felt a presence, lingering beside me while I laid down on my back. I felt a sudden emptiness where my arm was. I couldn't see anything, and that irked me the most. I wanted to open my eyes and see.

I wanted to know what was going on.

I pushed myself to wake up.

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

_Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

My eyes stung when they were pierced with the brightest light I had ever seen.

..

**Key: third, Grant, third, Zach, third, Matthew, third, Grant, third, Matthew, third, Zach, third, Bailey, third, Grace, third, Zach, and Cammie.**

**So. I was thinking. I might make a spinoff of this story of where Cammie dies and how everyone else copes with their loss. Maybe as a one shot. Let me know if you think I should do that.**

**Before I forget: To we-all-change who was a bit confused, *whispers* I may or may not have a sudden obsession with jacksgap *laughs nervously* No, I did that just because he was stressing a bit about a video not being posted and he felt he needed... Idk emotional support on the plane ride? Sorry about that. And on a more serious ;) note, if I woke up and saw Jack and Finn like RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and SMILING, the first thing I would probably do would be scream. Because I might have thought that I just died. And if they started to TALK TO ME, I'd probably continue screaming because OMIGOSHJACKANDFINNHARRIESARETALKINGTOMEOMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH. And I would fangirl. Excessively.**

**(I'm kinda being wary of how far into detail in going into this because this is the internet and if Jack/Finn stumble across this fanfic I don't want to seem really creepy and strange and weird but hopefully they come across this stuff all the time and just in case if you are Jack/Finn then I'm apologizing profusely to you because so sorry I'm really weird like that and I love your work and videos and yeah I do run on sentences when I'm nervous or apprehensive and mmkay I'll stop now...) :)**

**But yeah, right now I'm amidst a huge obsession known as the YouTube realm, so please excuse any future fangirling from this point forward.**

**Shout outs to SoulofEssence, Liela54352, we-all-change (x2), smile-is-the-best-disguise Purplemockingjay4, Believe514, meisInteligent and Kayla- don't forget to RFRF**!


	22. Chapter 22

Light. Just bright, white light.

And then a shadow.

I squinted, my eyes burning from all the sudden light exposure.

"Cammie?"

A voice.

"Gallagher Girl, can you... Are you..."

Zach's voice.

My voice was barely audible as I weakly whispered his name.

But he heard.

Zach had always heard me.

"Zach... What happened?"

My voice was different, rough and low from not being used.

I could barely make out his silhouette, but saw him run a hand through his hair, that seemed longer than when I had last seen it. How long ago was that? He sighed.

"Everything happened, Gallagher Girl." My eyes started to adjust to the lighting and the first thing I clearly saw in color were his eyes.

The silence was awkward, and I wanted to fill that empty void with a question.

"Am I okay?"

His answer terrified me.

"I don't know, Cam."

And it terrified me even more to think that...

_Neither did I._

..

I was alive. That was all I knew. So when he asked what I remembered...

"I... I was driving. Right?" Zach nodded. "And you were going down..."

"Down... Kaery. Road. And it was raining."

Zach sucked in his cheeks.

"You're right. Do you know what happened next?"

I shook my head, but immediately flinched at any little movement, which caused me pain.

I was now weak.

"What happened to me, Zach?"

"You crashed in the biggest road accident with the most fatalities in state history."

He paused for effect.

"You're one of the luckier ones. Because you're also the first person to ever survive the Kessinger."

I was weak. But I was also a survivor. Did that make me stronger? Or, no, was it luck, or fate? Is that really true- that what doesn't kill you... Makes you stronger? I didn't feel stronger.

I was a survivor. But I wanted to quit. I wanted to leave this world and never come back, but because I was a survivor, I couldn't really quit... Could I? I was like a role model now, one that people would compare themselves and other people to. If I gave up, then it wouldn't be affecting just me anymore. I had been a part of a medical breakthrough.

"Cammie," Zach said, breaking me out if my thoughts. He reached forward as if to grab my hand, but flinched mid reach and pulled back.

I was scared again, but at a whole new level.

He thought I was fragile.

"You... You don't want to touch me?" I asked. "You're... Afraid?"

I was weak. Too fragile for him to touch. And I told him so.

"No, Cammie-"

"I'm too fragile to be touched, aren't I? Like, if you touch me, I might fall apart like dropping a glass cup on tile?" I was probably wrong. But if there was something that he wanted to keep from me, then he would probably avoid telling me at all costs. I couldn't move my head, it would hurt immensely if I did.

I was scared, confused, nervous. I was disoriented, didn't know what was going on. I was ready to jump to conclusions in an instant because of how scared I was. At that moment, I needed to be able to know something.

"Zach, what is it," I asked, growing impatient.

Guilt, regret, and worry flashed across his eyes.

He mumbled something unintelligible.

"Zach..."

"Yormsone."

"A... Again."

"Yor... Ms... Gone."

"Zach, please." I pleaded with him. "Enunciate." I wanted, no, needed to know. I hated not knowing.

"Your arm is gone," he whispered. "Your arm is gone." He bent down so his head was in between his knees and his hands braced the back of his neck.

My eyes closed. My arm was gone. My _arm_ was gone. I knew what the emptiness was._ My arm was gone._

I asked him the same question again.

"Zach... Am I okay?"

And he responded with the same answer he had given earlier.

"I don't know, Cam."

He didn't know, but I now did.

I was not okay. And I had a feeling that I never would be.

I was permanently scarred.

..

I was scarred, physically and mentally. I was a weak survivor, and I don't know why I didn't just give up. Like in Monopoly, and I know I'm going to lose, so I just withdraw from the game.

Is life a game? A game that I could just withdraw from?

I wish it was.

"Knock, knock!"

The tall doctor was smiling, genuinely. Not one of those fake smiles that you sometimes get from the receptionist at the dentistry that says, "It won't hurt a bit, sweetie!" when you're getting your wisdom teeth pulled or whatnot and it obviously will end up hurting.

Zach looked up at the doctor and pursed his lips.

"Hey, Cammie. It's good to see you awake," the doctor said, pulling over a chair and sitting down on it. I read his name tag. HUNTER WILLIAMS, M.D. He saw me reading it and said, "Oh, right. I'm Doctor Williams."

"How do you feel?" He asked me, pulling off the stethoscope around his neck. "I'm going to check up on a few things while you answer, okay?" The cold metal pressed against the hospital gown I was wearing. I shivered a bit and breathed in and out deeply.

"I'm... I must be faring better than I was yesterday," I said. He chuckled a bit, pulling away the stethoscope and placing it back around his neck. "I would agree whole heartedly," he said.

Doctor Williams said I was "doing much better than you were less than twenty four hours ago." I didn't feel any better though.

I didn't think I ever would.

Did I want to?

"Cammie?" He smiled slightly wider when my gaze turned back to his. "You seem quite absorbed in your thoughts," he said.

"Well... I guess I just have lots of questions," I replied. "Do you want to ask them?" he questioned me.

"No," I whispered. Those questions weren't for him. They were for me.

And I could never answer them.

"Okay then," he said, seeming oddly cool with me choosing not to ask questions. "Are you hungry?"

I hadn't thought about food until then. My stomach started to rumble. "Yes... But I don't want hospital food," I added. He raised an eyebrow. "What do you want to eat then, Cammie? It'll be the hospital's treat, because you survived."

I pondered the question for only a few seconds.

"Can I have ice cream?" He laughed and nodded. "Any specific brand, flavor?" I bit my lip. "Cookies and cream. And Phish Phood. And mint chocolate chip. And vanilla. And- Actually. Can I just get mocha?"

..

I sighed when the ice cream finally touched my lips. I couldn't even hold the spoon, so Zach had to feed me. "Thank you," I whispered through the delicious cold. He laughed and took a small bite out of my ice cream himself. "You're welcome," he said in reply.

We sat in a comfortable silence, him feeding me spoonfuls of ice cream and me relishing the sweet cold as I ate.

..

"I missed VidCon?!" I asked. He nodded, and I asked him if he went. "I did. I saw everyone, and asked everyone attending to donate to a hospital bill payment fundraiser I set up for you."

"You shouldn't have," I breathed. He smiled and placing the ice cream on a nearby desk, reached out with the back of his hand to barely touch my face. "I did, though," he said, and leaned in.

I closed my eyes, ready for a wonderful moment.

Short, rapid knocks on the door interrupted us.

It was Grant.

"Cammie?" He ran to my bedside, and appeared with worry lines crossing his face. "I... I thought you were... And the doctor..."

"Why would you think I was dead?"

He smiled sadly, one side of his mouth rising higher than the other.

"Monday."

Monday.

I had missed our tradition.

"I'm sorry, Grant-"

"Why would you be? You were in the hospital, fighting for your life, and you survived a procedure that had only been done once before. I couldn't be more proud of my little sister," he said, starting to take on a more emotional tone.

My big brother was proud of me. My big brother was proud of me.

No one, ever in my lifetime, has told me that they were proud of me. Not dad. Not mom. Not Zach. Not any of my teachers.

I couldn't quit life now. Not when my big brother was proud of me. Not now.

But one day. Some day.

Just not now.

Because I was a survivor.

And I was making my brother proud.

I'll quit later. But for now, I'm going to push through my low and live my life to the fullest.

Because I will die, and I'll do my best to control when I will.

Just not quite yet.

..

_One week later._

..

"I can go home?"

Doctor Williams nodded. "You can go home. But the thing is, you're not all healed yet. So what you'll be doing is physical therapy for a couple months, and until we can get that started, you'll be in a wheelchair. Another thing, since your arm strength hasn't fully returned, we'll be giving you an electronic wheelchair controlled by a joystick, just because we don't want to have your friends and family have to push you around all the time. You seem like a very strong and independent young woman."

I smiled a little. He was right about me being independent. But not me being strong. Of course I want to be strong, but that doesn't mean I am.

"I want to go home," I whispered, and Doctor Williams smiled and opened the door, where a wheelchair and Grant were waiting outside.

"I'm going to carefully adjust your bed so you're upright, okay?" I nodded, and tried to relax as I was brought up.

"Good. Now, Grant, can you pick her up?"

Grant was so concerned.

"Let me know if it hurts, okay?"

One hand snaked behind my neck, and the other went under my knees. Grant moved efficiently but with extreme precaution.

"There."

..

There was a makeshift ramp set up in front of my house, and I used the joystick to maneuver my way up. Grant opened the door for me, and I was greeted to a dark house. When Grant turned on the lights, Zach was suddenly standing in front of me, a red balloon in his hand and a card in the other, his card arm dangling by his side.

"Welcome home, Gallagher Girl," he whispered. He fell to his knees so that we were level and handed me the card, opening it for me.

_I missed you._

That was all the white card said, no flashy colors or anything.

Exactly how I wanted it. I was tired, and I didn't want to have to think.

"Thank you, Blackthorne Boy."

He placed his hands on my armrests and pushed himself up a bit to kiss my cheek. "You go get some sleep now," he said when he pulled away. "I'll be in my room, filming." He kissed my cheek one more time before standing up and leaving, leaving the red balloon on the kitchen island.

"Grant..."

"Yeah, Cam?"

"How am I going to get up the stairs?"

..

"Are you sure?"

"I have to. They have to know I'm okay."

Zach nodded and started the countdown.

"Five... Four... Three... Two..."

"Hi guys, I'm back and here! Did you miss me? I missed all of you, and I am so sorry for not being at VidCon to meet you guys! For you people that went, you guys probably saw Zach, but he did leave early."

Zach's smile slowly faded from behind the camera and took a more serious tone.

"Yeah. I was in the hospital for a while. I was in a car crash... And in case you didn't notice, yes, I... I don't have my left arm anymore. Doctors removed it while I was in surgery. I..." I could feel my cheeks burn and my eyes start to water. Zach moved from behind the camera to sit next to me on the bed, wrapping an arm around my waist and letting me cry into his shirt.

"Shhh, Gallagher Girl. It's okay."

He turned to the camera.

"It's been a pretty hard time for everyone in the YouTube community. We have a website set up where you guys can donate to help Cam pay medical bills, and we'd like to thank you for all your support."

Zach reached over to turn the camera off, and then laid down on his back on my bed. I pressed my ear to his chest, where his heartbeat consoled my sobs.

"We'll be okay, Gallagher Girl," he said, his chest vibrating as he spoke.

"We'll be okay," I repeated. "Okay."

..

**GUYS I CRIED READING A FANFIC. READING A JACKSGAP FANFIC. BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD(E) AND SO AMAZING AND YOU SHOULD GO READ IT It's called Even If, on Wattpad, and I can't. Choose. Which. Twin. I. Like. More. But AUGH I cried so much, but it was in the middle of the night so it was muted sobbing and the shaking of my shoulders... Because like one twin was chosen over the other and even though I shipped the main character with both of them, the twin that wasn't chosen, the chapter describing his pain absolutely broke my heart!**

**Ooh, mini contest, review who your favorite twin is and your favorite YouTuber (one, please) and I'll give them a one-on-one with Cammie! So there'll be a section where it's just a convo between Cammie and the better twin (No, not favoring Finn because I love them both EQUALLY), and then another section with another convo between Cammie and the most requested YouTuber! Which means that you'll have to review enough to get your YouTuber and twin in my story!**

**So yah. Shout outs to Believe514, Guest, Kayla (and Kayla.b), hannahslye, alilrose, Sunniva Steiner, we-all-change (x2), Really, Guest (2), SoulofEssence, booksxforxlife, thebiggestbookworm, and lovewords! Don't forget to RFRF!**


	23. Chapter 23

**I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN FOREVER! But I'm going to be honest here and say that I wasn't feeling very creative. You guys should know that whenever I post a chapter, I want it to be good and not just something I put up because I feel like I have to. I've also been procrastinating too much recently because I was doing "research"... i.e. watching YouTubers all night until eleven for this story so yeah. I've developed an obsession for Connor Franta and O2L and I'm avoiding putting Connor's face as my desktop just because that would be creepy and if someone else saw they would start to interrogate me.**

**Fun.**

**Also I was busy being a lazy butt and procrastinator.**

**#sorrynotsorry**

**Okay maybe a little sorry**.

**Anyways, if you're still reading this, then sorry for this long intro, go watch Connor Franta, and here's my chap!**

..

Zach came over almost too often now, so we never really locked the front door anymore. But he did know where the spare key was, in case.

"Need help?" he asked, taking the bowl from my hands and grabbing the only cereal box in my pantry with the other. I smiled, nodded, grateful he was there. I couldn't carry the milk with one hand, it was too heavy.

"I've wondered," he started, "what about the bills on this house? Mortgage, electrical stuff, water..." I shrugged. "Mortgage was paid off a long time ago. We use solar power, we have a well in amazingly good quality, and we have a couple of family friends that have their own internet thing, and we use theirs-"

"You're welcome to use our internet connection too, you know."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"Anyways," he started, "why don't we go check your comments and subscribers?"

I nodded, and he left my side briefly to grab my laptop and open it up to my YouTube channel.

_48,396 subscribers._

_Comments:_

_Oh my gosh, I didn't know! Love from Denmark, hope you get well soon!_

_I cried when you did... I donated, get well soon, Cammie!_

The list went on and on.

"Zach, how much money have you raised? I only need about $50,000..." His eyes widened as he turned the laptop to face him and started clicking.

"We've raised 236,724 dollars," he whispered.

What.

I gasped, then used my arm to move the laptop to face back towards me. "In two weeks, you raised that much?" He gulped at the large number. "Well, it wasn't just me. Everyone helped out, see-"

The computer started to play a video.

"Hey guys, the hot and talented Zach Goode here. And right now I'm in California with who?"

He was standing in the middle of a parking lot, and it looked like hundreds of other YouTubers were swarming him. I recognized a few faces.

"We're all at VidCon, but I'm not here to talk about that. Recently, the talented and beautiful Cammie Morgan was in a car accident."

That line alone had more jump cuts than I could count. I assumed he must have started to tear up, and didn't want to include that in the video.

"Right now she's in the hospital and fighting for her life. So I've set up a website where you guys can help pay medical bills. Click here or the link below to go check it out!"

Annotations popped up around the screen.

"We actually have prizes for you if you donate. If you make any contribution, you get a signed poster from one of us here. We will randomly select a name from people who donated at least $25 and that person will get follow backs on all their social media links from me and four other select YouTubers. The top donater will get a shout out on my next video, follow backs from all of us, and a poster signed by all of us right here, right now."

He did his ending, and the video closed.

"Zach... I don't need all the money-"

"I know you don't. But you might need it sometime in the future, and-"

"I can't take it. What if there's a kid who actually needs the money but instead donated it to me?"

He was silent. I knew I didn't need the money, and I promised myself to ask my viewers about it in my next video. Or I could make one sooner.

Zach changed the subject. "I've got a few friends that want to meet you," he said. "Do you want to meet them?" I nodded. "Who are they?"

He did his signature smirk. "You'll find out, Gallagher Girl."

I grunted in frustration. "Fine. I'll give you a few hints. Two of them, a guy and a girl. They both have accents-"

"The Suggs?" I asked, probably with too much optimism in my voice. He shrugged. "As I told you before, Gallagher Girl, you'll find out tomorrow."

"Wait. Tomorrow? You want me to be ready to meet two super famous YouTubers in less than 24 HOURS?!"

He smirked again.

I hate his smirk.

..

"Zach, stop, it feels weird."

He pulled his hands away for a brief moment. "I have to tie this on, though! I'm not letting you leave this house until this gets on." I groaned. "I can do it myself..."

My eyes flicked down at the emptiness where my left arm would've been.

I was wrong. I wouldn't be able to tie the blindfold. I started to tear up, and Zach pulled me into his chest.

"I _can't_, Zach. It's so different now."

I remember when I was in primary school and whenever you used the bathroom and said to the teacher,

"Can I use the bathroom?"

They would say something like,

"Well I sure hope you can."

And then you would have to change your question to,

"MAY I go to the bathroom?"

Because "can" meant "physically able".

And now I could use the word can't.

Because I was no longer physically able to do certain things.

..

I was guided blindfolded into a car, which drove around for what I'm assuming was fifteen minutes, and then led into a house.

"I'm taking off your blindfold now," he said, and I had to blink constantly to adjust to the light.

There were two people standing in front of me. A boy and a girl.

I smiled casually at the two YouTubers. "Could you please ignore me for a second?" I asked, then turned around and buried my head into Zach's chest.

And squealed.

Not one of those lame squeals, one of those big pig sounding squeals.

I had profoundly embarrassed myself in front of two of my most favorite YouTubers ever.

I turned back around. "Hi, I'm Cammie Morgan. Big fan." The girl smiled. "I watch your videos too. I love them so much, your rant on Zach was so funny!" She leaned closer to me. "And I agree with everything you said about guys," she whispered to me.

The guy standing next to her cleared his throat. "If you think you're whispering, you're not. We all heard what you said," he said in a loud whisper. The four of us laughed, and I shook the other YouTuber's hand. "Also a big fan. I love your work," I added, mentally punching myself for saying something so common to an adorable (hot) YouTuber.

I haven't said either of those YouTuber's names. So who did I meet?

Jack Harries did that adorable smile where one side of his mouth rose higher than the other. "Your stuff is amazing too. And your collab with Zach? You guys are too adorable together."

Hold up. Jack Harries just said Zach and I were a cute couple.

Jack HARRIES.

As in the Jack Harries from JacksGap.

THAT Jack Harries.

I must have just stood there for a few minutes, staring at him when Zoë Sugg snapped her fingers in front of me. "Um... Cammie? Are you alright?" I nodded, and turned around to see Zach smirking.

I threw my one arm around his neck. "Thank you," I whispered, kissing his cheek softly.

"You're welcome. Don't think I haven't noticed you obsess over these two," he added, and I blushed while Jack and Zoë laughed.

"We're here to say hi, film a collab or two, and all that typical touring stuff," Jack said, and I smirked, taking after Zach. "There's not much to do here. But there's this one amazing park that I'd be willing to show you after you guys get rested. Jet lag?" I asked, and Zoë laughed. "I was trying to hide it."

They were sent to Zach's guest bedrooms, and had fallen asleep immediately after arriving.

..

I walked into Zach's house, greeted by the smell of pancakes and everyone laughing.

"Cammie!" Zoë said when she saw me. "Zach... He..." she struggled to hold in laughs, and Jack sat next to her with his head on the table, his body shaking. "Uh... Is he crying?" I asked, and Jack lifted his head, tears streaming down. "Sorry. I'm laughing..." He shook again and put his head back down on the table, laughing even more. My eyes widened in confusion and it was just then that I noticed Zach was gone.

"Where's Zach?" I asked, looking around and into the kitchen. Zoë placed a hand in front of her mouth, still laughing.

"Bathroom," she managed to get out in between laughs.

And in the bathroom stood a cocky YouTuber with whipped cream, fruits, waffles, syrup, and powdered sugar on him.

He may or may not have been shirtless.

And I may or may not have drooled.

And if I did drool, it was because I was hungry and because of the food. NOT because of his abs.

Zach looked at me sheepishly. "Hey, Gallagher Girl." And with one little wave and smirk of his, I broke out into uncontrollable laughter. Jack and Zoë came running behind me, and the three of us continued to laugh at a probably mortified Zach.

And my new best friends Zoë and Jack both had video cameras.

Zach was crossing his arms over his chest, trying to look as annoyed as possible. Which must have been hard seeing that he was trying to hide a laugh himself. "You guys will all regret filming me," he said, wiping off some of the food on him and flinging it at me unexpectedly.

"Zach!"

..

"You and Zach seem really close," Zoë said, lying down on my bed with her legs crossed and her phone open to her twitter feed. I gave a small smile and turned myself in my swiveling office chair to face her, my laptop open. "We are. It was weird, though. I met him in September, and we literally became best friends." She smiled and sat up.

"So. What's on your mind?" I did attempt to hide it at first. "YouTube. Zach. You and Jack- that rhymes." She rolled her eyes. "Not that. You seem so much happier on YouTube, why so down when not recording a video?" I sighed.

Maybe it was time to tell someone who might understand me a bit better than the internet could. Because Zoë Sugg suffered from panic attacks, she might have known more about what I was feeling.

Apprehensive, nervous, maybe a little scared.

And really, really confused.

"Cammie?" she asked. "You spaced out a bit..." Luckily Zach and Jack had gone out earlier for food.

"You won't tell anyone, right?"

"Most likely not."

I looked down at my bare feet, curling my toes.

I don't know why I told Zoë before Zach, before Bex, before Grant. But what I did know was that at that moment, Zoë was probably the first person I could turn to.

"I have depression."

Have you ever been talking to a person and then they say that they have depression? It never sounds like this huge deal unless you've actually been through it, and a lot of people are just like, "Oh, okay, cool."

Whenever I see it or think about it, I never picture it as an actual mental disease. I think that's because society has made it out to be such a loosely thrown word, kind of like gay and curse words. A teenager could walk right up to their friend and be like, "Dude. I'm soooo frickin' depressed right now," and no one would think that's odd, or start to worry that they have a mental disease or something... Even though depression is a mental disability.

I guess that's why it can be really hard to tell someone you're truly depressed. You kind of have to wait for the perfect moment to pop up, a solemn mood so that people will take you seriously and hopefully help you. If you're walking through the hallways and just before you part ways you say, "Oh, by the way, I'm depressed," they probably wouldn't take you that seriously. But how would I know? It was my first time ever flat out telling someone.

"How many other people know?" I sucked in my cheeks. "You're the first person I've told straight out." Her eyes softened in what looked like pity.

"And Zach doesn't know yet," I said. "It's been over half a year. He's saved me from suicide once, maybe even twice. I don't know if he knows, but he probably suspects I'm hiding something from him."

Zoë put her phone down and looked at me.

"Do you want to know?" she asked. I blinked in confusion. "What?" She leaned forward, swinging her legs off the bed. "Do. You. Want. To. Know?"

Of course I wanted to know. Secrets in general are fun to know. Hard to keep, but fun to have. And an odd change of subject.

"It's literally driving me crazy with how close you guys are yet he knows so little about you. Cam, he knows."

"Wait, wha-"

"Gallagher Girl? Zoë? We've got food!"

..

It felt like a wasted secret. A secret that wasn't worth keeping. A secret that I shouldn't have kept in the first place.

Because he knew.

He knew, and I didn't, and he tried to hint me... Everything dawned on me in that moment.

..

Lunch was awkward. Or, awkward to me. Zach had an arm around my waist, presumably noticing my apprehensiveness and wanting to calm me.

Little did he know that it was only making it worse.

Yay.

"Cam... Are you okay?" Zach asked cautiously, turning more to face me.

I shook my head and stood up, leaving the table. Zoë shot me a knowing look, and she whispered to Jack something I couldn't hear.

..

I shut my bedroom door behind us.

"Gallagher Girl, you okay?" Zach started, and I sat down on my bed.

"How much do you know?" I asked stubbornly. I was mad. Mad that I had wasted all my energy on something that I didn't have to spend energy on doing which made me stressed and tired and angry and pissed.

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"About me. About my _depression."_ I sneered the last word out.

Did I even have a right to be mad? It was sudden, but I really felt pissed at the world because I might've felt better if I had known I could just tell him without getting judged or anything like that but instead I rambled and raged with anger and all I wanted was to finally erupt like a volcano and get it all out and-

"Help me," I whispered. "Help me," I repeated. "Help me."

I choked on my sobs and felt a twisting feeling in my stomach.

I was weak.

I was weak because I had to ask for help.

I was weak.

And all I could think about was the rope directly underneath me- my symbol of weakness.

All I wanted was a release, something to let go of...

Maybe being weak was how I let go. Just like how I let go of the rope, I was letting go now of having to hide my entire person from one of the people I trusted most.

I was letting go.

..

**Did you notice? I totally got this burst of inspiration in the end.**

**And that was a really rushed chapter. Sorry.**

**I am so so so so so so sorry. I've been busy, stressed, lazy and all the stuff in between and in sorry! Please don't hate me.**

**And big news! Or, kinda little news. Not that big.**

**I got a twitter! For this fanfiction!**

**Basically I'll be confessing random things there that hopefully some of you guys can relate to, and I'll be posting updates on Imperfect and all my stories... And maybe a few sneak peeks!**

**So if you want to, follow me at imperfectlymia. And maybe if I get a few followers I'll post a preview of the next Imperfect chapter. ;) I might also ask you guys for your input on that account, so if you have any ideas for Imperfect or something you want me to do in a future chapter or just blah blah blah, tag me and I might use your story idea!**

**If you do decide to follow me, make sure to DM or tweet me that you're an Imperfect reader so I can kinda distinguish you guys from my other followers.**

**Love you all, shout outs go to lovewords, Soul of Essence, Liela54352, WordMeister259, we-all-change, Wait what, alilrose, Guest, GCK0113 (BTW I'll fit him into a future chap, thank you so much for your suggestion!), thebiggestbookworm, hannahslye, Guest, Kayla, and chocolategalaxys! RFRF and follow me on twitter for sneak peeks of future chaps!**


	24. Chapter 24

**This chapter is dedicated to SummerTime15. This chapter is where Cammie opens up, and I'd like to thank you- ALL of you- for inspiring me to do the same.**

**To all of you: Promise me to always do what you love and make yourself happy. Nobody deserves to feel alone and lonely, and I want all of you to know that if society is making you feel inferior, society is stupid and doesn't know you. I know it's hard to ignore what other people say. Heck, I can't ignore what other people say about me. But you are not alone.**

**I have another story, not a fanfic, about this. I might try and get it published in a few years or so. But you guys are not alone or lonely. Every decision you make you are making because you believe it is the right choice for you.**

**I have not been writing as often lately, but there's always life. Hope you enjoy this new chapter!**

..

I don't know why I'm so confused. So, so confused. I don't know what I want, where I'm going, where I want to go. That's probably not weird at all, seeing that maybe tons of teens don't know what they want to be when they "grow up."

Which reminds me.

I didn't grow up here, even though I've lived here since I was ten. I lived in a different city, for seven years?

Growing up is different than maturing. I think I grew up in that first city I lived in, and matured here.

So what does maturity and growing up have to do with anything?

I still don't believe I'm mature enough to make my own decisions. But I do believe that I'm grown up enough to be able to ask someone for help when I need it.

I need help. Not needed, not want. _I need help._ Whether from Zach, a doctor, a stranger, I know I need help.

I'm scared that I might not get it.

Fear was probably another reason I didn't tell anyone sooner. Fear of rejection, fear of not getting the help I know I need even though I don't exactly want it...

Sometimes my emotions make me feel like I'm in the middle of a dark and giant forest, lost. I'm standing in this miniscule clearing, looking around, worried. My muscles are tense, my mind races with the worst possible situations, and my heart accelerates with every noise I hear. I'm disoriented, confused, and scared. Really, really scared.

My life is that forest.

And that terrifies me most of all.

That my life is a forest of fear.

..

Is everyone's life like a forest? A big space where you might not really, truly know where you're going, so you're wandering for a long time? And is there ever a real destination? Is there an end to the forest, or is death just... Death?

I hate how many questions I have, and how close to none of them can be answered. Maybe none at all can be answered by someone...

"Are you okay?"

I shook my head. Not just because I was answering with a no, but also because I was trying not to hear those words. I had already heard the phrase countless times, a phrase that I didn't want to hear anymore.

I hate how people say that death isn't the solution, even though I say it myself. Nobody really knows what happens when you die. Some believe you'll go to Heaven or Hell, others believe that no matter what you'll go to Heaven, some believe you regenerate into another person, some believe in the afterlife, and yet others believe that when you die you will become plant food.

But right now, I can't see anyone who can give me an answer that is not debatable about what happens when you die.

I think that if I were to commit suicide, it would solve my problems. But it wouldn't solve the problems of anyone else, if that makes sense. Like, people are telling me not to commit suicide because it doesn't solve anything, but is that true? It solves my problems. But the people who love me will be the ones suffering. So in the end, it does come down to moral values.

Will you die and solve all your problems, yet cause others to suffer?

Or stay alive, in a dark forest, while keeping the people who love you most happy?

So it's a big decision. You can make yourself happy in life, or you can make others happy.

I've seen countless people do things to make themselves happy before making anyone else happy.

Connor Franta left O2L because he wasn't happy. And he said that he needed to make himself happy first. I really respect him for making that decision.

If I was going to make myself happy, would I have to commit suicide just for that?

Do I want to?

I don't think any of these thoughts are healthy to be thinking. So I'll ask myself again.

Am I okay?

"No," I said. I looked into his green eyes, which softened and made me feel as if I were melting. "No," I repeated, louder, trying to force more confidence into myself. Zach stepped closer to me, taking both my hands in his. "Stop shivering," he said.

I hadn't noticed I was shivering in the first place.

"You will be okay, Cammie." And for some reason, I felt the need to contradict his words.

"But what if I am okay, Zach? What if this is what okay is for me and I can't do anything about it and I'm stuck like this and in reality I need to be better and not okay because okay is not okay and okay is a messed up world of make believe that I am either already in or I will never be-"

"Shhh," he mumbled in between kisses. And when he pulled away, he made me look back into his eyes and I placed a hand on his chest, which vibrated each time his heart palpitated. "Can you feel it?" He asked. "My heart is racing right now. It's because I'm worried about you, Cam. Please don't make me worry."

"I don't want to make you worry," I whispered. "But I don't know how to not make you worry."

I was in a daze, the world looking lighter than it should be. I stepped backwards until falling back on the bed behind me, looking up at the ceiling.

"I don't want to make you worry," I said, then closed my eyes.

The bed sagged down more as he laid down beside me, and I rolled over on my side so I was facing him, my eyes still closed. When I opened them, his breath barely brushed across my skin like a warm wind, and he propped his head up on his elbow so he was looking at me.

"Be careful, Cam," he said.

Careful. Careful of what, careful for what?

I stayed silent, though.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself. You are too needed here, Cam." I diverted my attention to his jaw line. "I haven't been a very good friend to anyone. And I've kind of been avoiding Bex, Macey, and Liz-"

"Then go talk to them. I promise you'll feel better when you do."

Zach was pleading with me. He really must have cared.

"You said when," I whispered. "You think I will?"

The left corner of his mouth rose up in a smile where one side was higher than the other.

"I know you will, Gallagher Girl. You always do."

..

_Meet me by the Blackthorne end._

"So. What do you want us here for, Cam?" Macey held her hand up an examined it with a careful eye. "I've got a surprise for you three," I said, knowing they were dubious.

I couldn't blame them. I hadn't been with them as much as I had for weeks, months maybe.

"Macey, Bex, and Liz, meet Jack and Zoë."

The two YouTubers left their nearby hiding spots to stand next to me.

"No. Freaking. Way." Macey and Bex stared at Zoë, while Liz automatically bent down and looked at the dirt. Her cheeks were slowly turning bright red, and I knew she was happier than ever to be standing in front of Jack Harries.

"OH MY GOSH HI I'M MACEY HUGE FAN CAN I GET A PICTURE AND A HUG?!" Macey was jumping up and down in excitement, and Liz had already opened herself up to Jack while Macey and Zoë took selfies.

"Your work is amazing," Liz was saying. "I hardly go on YouTube, and when I do, I always end up re-watching all your videos." Jack smiled, and they talked about traveling.

Bex was standing a bit away from the pairs, and our eyes met. I walked closer to her.

"I didn't bring your favorite YouTuber. Because I know that right now, you want your best friend back. I'm sorry, Bex. I've been going through a lot. But you probably have too, and I'm sorry for leaving you with Grant all the time. I'm sorry for not being as good of a friend as I should have been."

I bit the inside of my cheek, and Bex kept her poker face on until hugging me.

"It's okay, Cam."

Did I get my best friend back? I didn't know. But I hoped. I wanted. I needed.

And Zach wasn't the only one I needed to tell.

..

We were sitting in my room. Bex sat in the middle of Liz and Macey, giving me an encouraging smile. "There's something I wanted and have needed to tell you for a while. And it's extremely hard for me to say. But before I say anything, I want you guys to know that if you don't support me or don't want to be my friend after I tell you, it's okay. I understand."

Macey's eyes widened. "Are you participating in illegal activity?" she asked, leaning slightly away from me. I frowned and shook my head. "I just have something really important to tell you. And I haven't known for a long time how. But I decided... That maybe it was better to just get it out now."

_Inhale._

_Exhale_.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

"I am suicidal," I started. "I self harm. I've attempted suicide six times."

I diverted my eyes from their concerned and worried gazes.

"I suffer from depression. And I want you guys to know that, because you guys are my best friends, and should know everything about me."

I bit my tongue, worried I had gone too far.

But I should've known better.

You can never go too far with the people you love.

..

True friends are always going to be by your side, no matter what you do, what you go through, where you go. True friends will know you. And they love you for who you are.

Yeah. I'm depressed. But I know I'll always have friends that will lift my spirits, even if I may not ever be truly happy.

Whether they're friends I've had since forever, new friends, old friends, and internet friends, they all have the same thing in common.

They're my friends.

And I can count on them.

And I can trust them.

And I'll support them through whatever they do.

Dear Bex, Macey, Liz, and Tina,

I love you in a totally non-weird way.

Thank you for being there when I most needed you, even if I wasn't there for you all the time.

..

And at last, I had reached the end.

But really, is there ever an end?

..

Hi. I'm Cammie Morgan. I'm a teenage girl on YouTube, and

I.

Am.

Imperfect.

All my imperfections are what make me me.

So don't try to change that.

I'm having too much fun with life already.

And sure, I have my struggles.

But now I have people to help me through them.

..

..

The end.

..

..

..

..

..

**Before you ask, NO, this is not the end of Imperfect. Remember, I want this to last for FOREVAH. Not really. But as long as possible.**

**This is the end for people that wanted it to end. Because for some people, they don't like stories super long so if they wanted to stop reading then it ends here.**

**But I could end the story right here, and create a new story with an epilogue-ish. My only concern with doing that is that this fanfic will sink into the depths of fanfiction, and I want new readers to be able to read the whole story.**

**So if you're the kind of person that has been wanting this story to end, then this can be the end for you. But if you want this story to continue, then the rest of this story is all for you!**

**But yeah. This isn't over.**

**This is just... A quarter of the rest of the story I'm going to write.**

**RFRF, and shout outs go to we-all-change-and-that's-okay, SoulofEssence, Kayla, alilrose, hannahslye, and CGK0113!**

**Oh, and THANK YOU FOR 18,000 VIEWS! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!**


	25. Chapter 25

**This starts right after Cammie tells her friends, and is a time skip to later in the night.**

**BTW I've been uncreative lately and super busy, so this chapter will probably be absolutely horrible.**

**I'm sorry.**

..

_"Hi Dad," I said. He looked old and frail, miserable in the corner of his jail cell. I walked closer to the metal bars when he didn't answer. "Dad?" I asked, wrapping my hand around the cold metal separating us._

_Suddenly, he shot up from his corner and ran for me, hands extended. I was barely able to pull my hand away, but even when I did, his arms shot through the gaps in between the metal bars and grabbed my sides, pulling me towards him. I screamed, for a guard or the police, but no one came. He brought me to face him so our noses were almost touching. His breath stank of jail food and the loss of not brushing as he said, "You. You will never escape me, good for nothing scum. I will bring you here with me, or take you to suffer the same fate as your mother."_

_"Let go of me!" I screamed, thrashing around in fear. But his grip was strong and held me steady. He lifted one hand up to stroke my cheek._

_"Ah. My daughter. Such a pity you are so beautiful yet turned out so horrid." His teeth appeared to suddenly flash when he tilted his head to let his teeth catch the light. It was a sinister smirk, an evil mimic of Zach's sweet and reassuring one._

_"Come on, Gallagher Girl," my dad said, tauntingly. "Give your papa a hug."_

_His arms went through the bars and pulled me into the cell with him._

_I screamed and startled myself awake, tears streaming down my cheeks. My heart fluttered and I was shaking._

"_Cammie?" I screamed again and shut my eyes tight, gripping my covers with my sweaty hand and brought it up to cover my face. "Gallagher Girl," I heard. "Say hello to your daddy."_

I couldn't stop screaming, and my body was numb. I didn't feel the arms that wrapped around me.

I didn't feel myself being pulled into someone's lap.

I was numb, raw.

I stopped shaking eventually. But I never stopped being raw and numb. "Hey, Cam," Grant said softly. "You okay?"

His thumbs wiped away the tears still flowing down my cheeks. "Camster? Don't worry. You're okay. Shh, shh, I've got you." I buried my head in his shirt, scared and wanting my big brother to protect me. "Do you want Zach-"

"NO!" I yelled. He would only call me Gallagher Girl, only cause me to freak out more. "No," I whispered. I shook my head, trying to pull Grant closer to me. "Okay, Cam. Then I'll stay here for a while, okay?" I nodded, silent.

"Love you, Camster," Grant whispered just before I drifted asleep in his arms.

_Love you too, Grant._

_Please don't leave me._

..

I woke back up, no more nightmares. I sighed when I realized Grant was still with me, snoring by my side. I laid there in the comfort of his arms, ever so grateful to my big brother.

"Morning," he whispered, his eyes still closed. "Morning," I whispered back. He opened his eyes and smiled, causing little dimples to appear at the corners of his smile. "Do you feel better now?" I nodded. "Thank you," I said softly, wrapping my arm around his neck and hugging him.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" I nodded and bit my lip.

I recounted the events from last night.

My dad.

And I.

In a jail.

Him in his jail cell, and me standing too close for comfort.

"It was terrifying," I finished. "First he took mom, and now he's taking me..." Grant's eyebrows furrowed together. "I need to tell you something." I looked into his eyes, urging him to go on.

"While you were in the hospital, I went to see dad." He must have felt me tense, because he moved to place his left hand on my shoulder. "Hear me out. I went to him. And he told me... He told me that it wasn't him."

"What?"

"He told me it wasn't him-"

"And you believe him?!" I exclaimed, my voice rising. "After all he's done, and you trust him-"

"I do," he said, interrupting me. "You had to be there, it was so genuine-"

"I can't believe you," I murmured. "He is a monster. A monster that murdered our mother."

There was a small squeak by the door as I said that, and my head jerked towards the door to see my father's solemn face as he stood there.

Grant turned to me, serious as ever.

"He is not a monster. Our mother committed suicide. Cam-"

"NO!" I yelled, shutting my eyes tightly. "He hurt me," I whimpered. "He hurt me. Grant, I'm never going to heal."

..

A voice from the doorway, sounding almost like an echo.

"I never wanted to hurt you."

He stepped into the room, looking rugged.

I screamed.

"NO!"

"Cammie-"

"Dad," Grant interrupted. "You should go."

I flashed back to my dream.

I thought of him, holding a knife.

"How could you bring him here, Grant?" I asked, still scared out of my mind.

I pushed myself away from him, accidentally pushed too far back and fell off the bed.

And I couldn't push myself up.

I laid there, head aching, arm squished underneath me, tears streaming down my face in both pain and fear.

..

Sometimes I wonder how you 'grow up'. I've come up with many different answers, but I think I now know.

There are times when I feel like I'm so low, like I'm in a ditch. And I don't know how to pull myself up and out of the ditch. I usually just end up not telling anyone in in trouble, and just lie down in the ditch for a while. Alone. Sad. Lonely.

Maybe maturing is being brave enough to tell someone, and have them help pull you out of the ditch.

And maybe growing up is being able to pull yourself up and out of the ditch.

Maybe it's the other way around. I don't know.

But maybe life is a forest, with a ditch every now and then, and every now and then you stumble upon a friend or a kind soul.

But people go away, and people change.

Wait, no. Change is the wrong word.

Is it weird of me to say that I don't think people ever change? Change is a pretty powerful word.

I think people are overly influenced by society. And then when you're super weird to your best friends, your relationship with that person hasn't changed, you've just started to trust them enough to show them a little more of the real you.

If it is the real you, or just you being overly influenced.

..

Grant was calling my name.

"It hurts, Grant."

"What hurts, Cam, tell me."

"My arm. My head." I took a deep breath. "My heart."

"Gra... Zach," I breathed. "Hey, Gall-"

"NO!"

Everything was wrong. I was mixed up, dysfunctional, rambling, confused. I said things I didn't know what they meant, I reacted too quickly without processing information, and I just didn't know.

It was like...

It was like the dream messed me up. It tugged my heartstrings, played with the puppet strings that controlled me.

Now I was either letting it control me, or it was too powerful.

Was this a side affect of wanting to give up, and getting closer to giving up?

Maybe death was the dream, playing with my puppet strings like an insane puppet master.

Were death and I making an acquaintance?

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!" I cried out, clamping my hand over my ear, and tilting my head to press my other ear against my shoulder, as if I could block out my thoughts.

I was going crazy, confused, I didn't know, was this real, was this not, was I alive, was I dead,

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Am I right, am I wrong, am I sick, am I well, am I straight or a little crooked, why am I thinking, why am I here, why am I SO CONFUSED!"

I was in hysterics, the two people who might have loved me most surrounding me.

They tried to hold me down.

I thrashed up and down.

I swear I was in some sort of hysteria for a good fifteen minutes, and when I had finally calmed down, tears were streaming down my cheeks and Grant was holding a tissue to my nose.

"My heart hurts," I whimpered. "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Zach... Grant..."

Had I broken?

Was this my breaking state?

Was this me breaking- breaking being letting my confusion show...

Confused, perplexed, out of it.

That's me.

Confusion is the most horrible feeling to ever exist.

"I don't want to be confused," I finally whispered.

Why was I so confused?

Because I was scared, and I was letting my fear take over.

My fear turned into confusion.

"I need help," I whispered. Zach and Grant nodded and helped me to sit up.

Zach kneeled down in front of me. "Cam," he said carefully, taking my hand in both of his. "We're here to help you."

I looked at Grant.

He still didn't know.

"Grant..."

I choked up.

Could I tell my brother? Tell him that I have been hiding my biggest secret from him for years?

I sighed.

Might as well just get this over now.

And if anyone deserved to know, it was him.

**..**

**Well that was probably confusing for you.**

**I'm sorry.**

**But before you review and tell me that you're confused by this chapter, because I already know you are, hear me out.**

**I'm sorry.**

**I've been at a creativity loss.**

**:/**

**sucks.**

**So please don't hate on me.**

**I wanted to get out a chapter of Imperfect this month. I'm going to try and update at least once a month.**

**Another thing, I get scared of continuing stories for too long. Because when I write, I never have a set out plan, so I forget about past things... I'm sorry! I typically only write short stories just because it's easier to keep track of things. Kudos to you if you can write on and on without a plan and not make any mistakes.**

**Anyways...**

**I ship Grammie's brother/sister relationship so much.**

**I probably won't be updating anymore for the month of November because I'm doing NaNoWriMo, which requires me to write a little less than 2,000 words each day in order to meet my goal of 40,000. The novel in writing for that is basically Imperfect, just with a different twist. Scenes from this will go to that, and scenes from that will go to this.**

**If you don't know what NaNoWriMo is, it stands for National Novel Writing Month, and you have to try and write a novel in 30 days. It's a worldwide thing, so anyone can join.**

**So if you don't have a Fanfiction account, you don't have to keep checking up on this story until around December.**

**RFRF, and shout outs go to NAME LOLZ, x2INFIN3TY-B3YONDx, CGK0113, lovewords, Hannah Slye, greeneyedsmirker, Wordmeister259, Believe514, Liela54352, SoulofEssence, and we-all-change!**

**I swear I have the best reviewers ever.**


	26. I'm Sorry, Don't Read This

How do you tell your brother, the first person to really love you, your biggest secret that you've been keeping from him for years and years and years and years?

Do you just start out by saying it, or do you start out with a normal conversation that turns into an Honesty Hour?

Or do you sneak it in a random conversation at a random point in the conversation, or do you just not say anything at all and have someone else tell him?

I could have done any of those, but I had to do it right then and there.

Grant sat down next to me so our backs were against my bed. "You want to tell me something, Cam?" he started.

I sighed.

Zach left.

Because this was our moment.

Our brother and sister moment.

Something that we didn't necessarily have often.

Maybe the only reason we didn't have it often was because of me. Because I had a secret, and maybe I didn't want it to leak out during any heartfelt conversations between us.

"I..."

I was at a loss for words. I honestly didn't know.

How would he react?

I didn't want to break his trust, didn't want to break our relationship... If you could do that. Break a brother slash sister relationship. I really hoped it wasn't possible.

I shook my head, forced myself to calm down a bit.

"I'm hoping you won't hate me for this," I started, then held up my hand, crossing my index and middle fingers. "Fingers crossed. Anyways..." I laughed a bit, tried to calm myself. I was tense, worried. I needed to loosen up. "I don't know how to tell you this. But I can try," I whispered to no one in particular but myself.

I wanted so badly to change the subject.

I was about to.

Didn't.

Really, really wanted to.

"Grant... I'm... I have depression. Or, no, sorry, wrong wording. Is it? I'm depressed... Suicidal... I... I don't..."

I ramble when I'm nervous sometimes.

Grant knew that.

And he must've sensed my nervousness too.

Because he pulled me into his lap, enveloped me into a bear hug.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to tell me," he mumbled into my hair.

"What?"

He laughed softly, acknowledging that the situation was still serious. "If you think you can keep anything from your big brother, you're wrong."

I stared at him. "But..."

"How did I know?" he finished for me. "Tina's not the only one who read your letter." He pulled me back into a hug. "I'm always so worried about you, Cam. I don't want you to get hurt, don't want you to hurt yourself."

My big brother worried about me.

My big brother cared.

I didn't want to make him worry.

But he did anyways.

I couldn't stop him.

And maybe his worry was good for me.

Him worrying reminded me that I had people here who loved me.

..

"Hey guys, it's Cam! And today, I am joined, by a guest!"

My brother popped up from bending over. "Ow," he moaned. "I went up too fast," he complained, rubbing his neck. I laughed and pushed him back down. "Do it again then!"

"Hi. I'm Grant." He waved to the camera, and I laughed at the cocky expression on his face. "This is my brother-"

"Your sexy brother," he interrupted. We burst out into laughter, and in between laughs I managed to say, "This is going to be a nightmare to edit."

But we got the video done.

In five hours.

And I got the editing done.

In two hours.

And I ate a whole large pizza.

By myself.

Grant stole two pieces, though.

..

**Hi.**

I **lied.**

**Sorry.**

**But I wanted to tell you guys something super cool that I've been working on! Which is why this chapter is short and just a filler and almost no addition to the plot. Sorry!**

**But my announcement's at the end of the AN. First,**

**I feel like I haven't thanked her enough, but SummerTime15 has done incredible things for me beyond my own belief.**

**I swear, every day I check my reviews, just rereading them because YOU GUYS ARE THE SWEETEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET YOU EVEN FREAKING READ MY SUPER LONG ANs!**

**And now the announcement!**

**How many of you guys are Percy Jackson fans?**

**Well, a while ago, a reviewer suggested I write a crossover.**

**A Gallagher Girls and Percy Jackson crossover.**

**So I read the first two books.**

**I liked it.**

**And I'm not very deep in the fandom, which could be a problem.**

**If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm writing a new story!**

**Or, I've had it written in the cloud and just not posted it for months...**

**So if you do review, please don't review about the Imperfect chapter. I'm going to have a better one up in December, promise!**

**RFRF, and look out for my crossover coming out in the next few months!**

**And I also have another story that I will not publish online anywhere unless you guys want me to. Here's the first general chapter!**

..

_Dear Zachary Goode_,

_I still haven't forgiven you, you know. Just because I'm writing to you does not mean I'll ever send this to you or give it to you, it just means that I want to talk to you without you ever finding out. Or hearing me speak directly to you, because I am giving you the silent treatment._

_Why were you so stupid? Macey and Bex and Liz said that you were quote "undeserving" of me after what you did. But I... Honestly I feel like I should be thanking you. For showing me indirectly how worthless I am. How ugly I am._

_How stupid I am for still being in love with you._

_Mmhmm. I do still love you. But I'm stupid for thinking you love me back. Or that you ever loved me in the first place._

_There was something else Catherine told me. Something that I hadn't told anyone about. Before I left, she told me about you. How she was using you. How she was already manipulating you and you didn't even realize it. Not even the best spies in the world noticed that we were all being manipulated._

_You know how I found you that night in some random girls' bed? I owe your mother. She traded your secrets for mine. I told her what it took to make me crack, because when you love someone, even when you're spies, you shouldn't keep secrets from them. She has me now, Zach. She has me under her control. She's not dead, she's been using me._

_I'm a pawn in the silent war of spy versus spy. Because of you._

_So if I go MIA, it's because I need to find her. And thank her. And find you._

_And kill you._

_Because after all, that's what assassins do best, right? You would know._

_But you also know that I don't have the potential to kill you. Because you know I still care. Because you know I still love you. Because you know I've never stopped._

_Sincerely,_

_Cameron Ann Morgan_

..

It had been five years since Cammie went MIA. I knew it was all my fault, and I was dying inside because it was my fault. I would only ever leave my room to search for her. I would spend days on cars, trains, buses, and planes just looking. For her. And when I came back to my apartment, I would barely be able to lock the door before collapsing on the couch in exhaustion. I would cry myself to sleep. I would cry.

And when I cried, I would silently talk to her in my head, begging her to come back. I was falling apart without Cammie. I needed her because she knew me and I knew she needed me too and if we didn't have each other then we were dying.

And then, I would wake up two hours later and start all over again. I needed Cammie, I needed to know she was at least safe, but I had to see her and touch her and know.

Much like when Joe was on the run and Cammie was in danger.

A letter arrived in my mail, with no sender address. The mail lady handed it to me, her blue eyes briefly reminding me of Cammie. My hands shook as I opened the letter.

I hated myself. I cheated on her, I didn't deserve these letters- but they were to me.

I nodded when she said that I was stupid, because I was. But when I noticed a small blot by the words "Still being in love with you," I couldn't tell if it was one of Cammie's dried tears or my own.

And she's a pawn. I hate Catherine for persuading her to give all her secrets. But Cammie was right. I would do the same if the one person I had ever loved was keeping secrets from me.

_I wish you knew, Gallagher Girl. I wish you knew I love you too. I always have. I've never stopped_.

Cammie is the strongest person I know. But I do know that if you know what her secrets are, she will break and fall apart from the inside out. If you used her secrets against her, she would fall under your command and do whatever you wanted to do to her as long as you helped her ease the pain in the end.

My mother was breaking Cammie, decaying her fragile state.

Why was I so stupid? I should've been there for her, not cheated, been her rock.

Cammie's been careful to love. Her dad was MIA, later KIA. She loved him. She only liked Josh, because he was a civilian and she was a spy. She loved all her friends and family. But we each had done something to betray her trust.

She did still love me. But she might not trust anyone ever again, if she ever came back.

_When_ she comes back.

She had to come back. For her family. For her friends.

For me.

..

_Dear Cammie,_

_Gallagher Girl._

_so sorry._

_ove you._

_-Zach_

.-.

Zach didn't always notice everything. He didn't notice that I was the mail woman who had handed him the letter.

He looked so exhausted. He had huge bags under his eyes, his posture was horrible, and his walk was slow and sluggish. His green eyes weren't as bright as they were anymore, you could see that they were tinged with black and darkness. And he wouldn't smile or smirk, that smirk I had grown to love.

The man I love was the raggedy man standing in front of me, in a crumpled white shirt and old jeans.

Had I done this? Had I broken Zachary Goode? And if I did...

Should I feel guilty?

I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him to death. I wanted to be with him forever in that moment. I wanted to be able to trust him.

But could I trust him?

I whispered his name once he stepped back into his apartment.

_Zach..._

..

_"Agent Matthew Andrew Morgan has officially been declared KIA. They found the remnants of his body in Europe."_

I had heard those words years ago. Now I was worried that Cammie's name would replace her father's.

The words terrified me. The feeling they gave me from reading them or hearing them gave me chills.

_"Agent Cameron Ann Morgan has been officially declared KIA."_

My nightmares usually promised to never come true. But from a professional point of view, I knew that that was the most likely outcome. Cammie's death. But from Zachary Goode's point of view, Cameron Ann Morgan's boyfriend, I knew that she was the Chameleon. She could only be found when she wanted to be.

The only question now would be if she would let me find her.

_You've got to, Cam. You've got to let me find you. You know why_.

_Because I love you._

..

**And if you have an idea for a title, let me know! Pleeeaseeeee for the crossover and the one I put above.**

**Shout outs to SummerTime15, alilrose, lovewords, -Smile-is-the-best-disguise xxx, athenadaughter6, Liela54352, immaGOODEgurl, We-all-change, Zach-Goode' , and Wordmeister259!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Yay it's December and I'm updating! Fun. And because I probably won't be updating again any time this month (sorry!) I'd like to wish you guys Happy Holidays (to be politically correct) and Happy New Year for those of you who will be celebrating the new year.**

**And I have writers block. And am brain dead because NaNoWriMo took a bigger toll on me than I thought it did.**

**OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT IT'S ALMOST 2015!**

**So heartfelt thing from me now:**

**I've had an absolutely amazing year. Really, I have. I've accomplished so many things, like getting nationally published and getting deep into the FanFiction scene. You guys have also impacted me so much and you have no idea how grateful I am to have your support. I can't even picture what's going to happen in the coming year. I'm not a huge fan of making resolutions at the end of the year because I usually don't meet them, but I'm going to do them for this.**

**In 2015, I'm hoping to be able to tell someone closer to me than my counselor that I'm suicidal. And I'm hoping that for some of you guys in the same situation will do the same.**

**Or, I'm at least encouraging you all to be yourself in 2015. Because being yourself is the best thing you can do for the rest of society.**

**I really do know how hard that is, you guys know I do. But I'm going to try, and I really hope I can.**

**But anyways, for some weird reason I feel like this chapter is differently written? If you notice, sorry, idk why.**

**So this is the last chapter from 2014, and I'll meet you guys on the other side.**

**2015.**

..

"So apparently there's this thing called reality," I told my camera, filming. "And apparently I have to live in it. But let me get one thing straight. Reality is not fun for me. Especially when I compare it to fictional worlds or even more, the internet. The internet is a fun place, obviously. But then there's reality, a place that can be cold and sad or bright and happy and its changing mood throws me off." I looked up at the ceiling, prepping myself for my next few statements.

"So why do I have to live in reality? What does reality have that the internet doesn't? Human interaction? Check. Free speech? Check, even more than reality sometimes. I guess the only reason that I have to live in reality all the time and get off my laptop and phone is because... Actually I was going to say that the internet doesn't give us feelings, our senses. But that's wrong, and with how technology is now it's probably not long until we can use touch and smell when on the computer. So I don't know. What do you guys think? Leave it in a comment below. And sorry for such a weird video. I didn't really know what to do this week, I've been pretty busy."

A fifteen minute video to film, give or take.

A twenty minute edit, give or take.

And another video idea that I would film early.

"Hi guys, I'm filming two videos in one day. I promise I'm not wearing the exact same thing as last week. But I didn't want to forget about this, which is why I'm doing the video now."

"I had a nightmare the other night. Completely natural, but it got me thinking about fear. About what I fear, about what common fears are. And I realized that my biggest fear is being betrayed by someone I have trusted with my life. Maybe it's because it's happened to me before... That's why I don't really trust people easily."

And a secret message in the summary.

_December 7. Tweet me, instagram it. December 7._

Why?

I had chosen a specific day to make a video telling people I was depressed.

I didn't know if I would go through with it.

But fingers crossed.

..

Grant knocked on my door, waking me up. "Cam? Get up, Macey invited us to some party she's having while her parents are out-"

"CAMMIE!" My best friend screeched, running into my room. "HURRY UP YOU HAVE TO EAT BREAKFAST AND GET CHANGED AND LET ME DO YOUR MAKEUP!" Macey pushed Grant out the door and tugged me out of bed, forcing me to stand in front of my closet. "Go find what clothes you want to wear. I'll do your hair and makeup at my house so you can use my stuff. And I'll be downstairs, so when you've decided on what to wear, go down so I can approve."

I sighed, put on something nice, got approved, and was whisked away to the McHenry residence.

..

I was being tortured. By means of makeup.

"CAMERON ANN MORGAN I SWEAR IF YOU SHUT YOUR EYE ONE MORE TIME YOU WON'T HAVE AN EYE AT ALL!"

"CAMERON ANN MORGAN I SWEAR IF YOU COMPLAIN ONE MORE TIME I WILL SEAL YOUR MOUTH WITH SUPERGLUE."

"CAMERON ANN MORGAN I SWEAR IF YOU SCREAM ONE MORE TIME I WILL RENDER YOU IMMOVABLE."

You know, one time Bex and I were thinking about what we and our group of friends were going to be when we grew up. And we started talking about Macey and decided that she would make an awesome spy because her interrogation and torture techniques could make a grown man cry and give up.

It'd be cool if she was a spy.

..

I sat alone in Macey's room while every other human at the party was being social and mingling with everyone else downstairs. Bex came up once, dragging a drunk Macey with her. "Oh... I would put Macey in here with you, but I wouldn't want her to... Vomit..." and she awkwardly shut the door, leaving.

Grant was downstairs, dancing from what I heard. Zach apparently arrived a while ago, with Jonas and Preston.

I sat in the room absorbed in my thoughts, hoping that they would grow louder than the music downstairs. I also hoped that I wouldn't be interrupted by another human. I would be perfectly fine just sitting in Macey's closet crying.

"Hello?" Zach asked, slowly opening the door to the room I was in. "Oh... Sorry, didn't know anyone was in here," he stammered. He hesitated before asking, "Are you... Okay?" I shrugged, and he walked into the room cautiously, making sure to keep his distance from me when he sat down next to me.

"Gall- Cammie," he corrected himself. "Are you okay?" I shook my head, still silent. We sat together, but I felt so alone.

It's a strange feeling. Feeling alone when you're really not alone but really lonely?

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "For... That. The... Thing... I was scared, I was confused, I'm sorry."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It's fine. It's okay. No need to apologize. Don't apologize, Cam. You have no control of your fear."

I trembled, before allowing myself to burst into tears. "I don't... I don't want to be different, I don't want to scare anyone... But the problem is that I am different, that I am probably scaring people..." And at that moment, one of the scariest thoughts popped into my head.

Betrayal comes in many ways, shapes, and forms. It can be backstabbing, blackmailing...

It can be turning on a person. Like losing a friend who was your best friend the year before.

And then there's the type of betrayal where love can turn into fear.

"Are you scared of me?" I asked.

There's this thing, this feeling that comes along with the fear of betrayal when you know someone's scared of you. It makes you feel like you're dangerous. It makes you feel like a threat to the rest of the world. It makes you feel like a criminal. That you should be locked up, sealed and hidden so that you can't hurt anyone, so that you can't spread fear.

Zach knew.

Zach knew I only wanted the truth. I wouldn't put up with lies. And at that moment, saying no would be a lie to me, no matter what he would say after to defend it. Zach knew that.

"I'm scared for you," he said, again carefully choosing his words. "I'm really, really scared," he finished breathily.

I nodded, then turned away from him as I laid my head down on Macey's pillow, lying down on her bed.

I didn't wipe the tears that fell slowly but steadily on her pillow.

I was dangerous.

I was a threat.

I was a criminal.

I heard the commotion of the party downstairs, blaring music and the shouts of dancing people. The door opened, but abruptly shut. I couldn't see, I was facing away from it. Zach's weight lifted briefly from the bed, and he walked out, closing the door behind him as I heard soft whispers making their way to my ears from the other side of the door. Zach came back in and sat slightly closer to me.

"I'm scared of what you might do, Cam. Haven't we gone over this before? _I don't want you to get hurt._" He emphasized his last few words.

I was dangerous.

I was a threat.

I was a criminal.

"Yeah, I am scared, Cam. I'm really scared. But you know what else I am?"

_What?_ I thought bitterly. _Mad? Pissed? Vengeful? Threatened?_

I was dangerous.

I was a threat.

I was a criminal.

"I'm proud of you."

Proud.

Pride.

"I know I'm not the first one to tell you." He moved closer to me. "But I wanted it to be different, I want to know if me saying I'm proud of you is different from your brother telling you. Please tell me it is," he whispered. "Please tell me it's different."

This was wrong. I was trying to convince myself that I was dangerous, that I was a threat, that I was a criminal.

I sat up, sat criss-cross in front of him. Once I had gathered up the courage to look up, I did, and my eyes met his to send a sudden chill down my spine. His eyes were, if possible, darker and more intense.

Maybe that's what fear does to a person.

Or maybe I wasn't dangerous.

Maybe I wasn't a threat.

Maybe I wasn't a criminal.

Or maybe I wasn't as dangerous as I thought I was.

"It's different," I said, barely loud enough for him to hear. He sighed, and looked extremely hesitant before reaching out to take my hand.

"You'll be okay, Cammie."

Okay is never enough.

Never.

But knowing that you're not as dangerous, not ad threatening, not as much of a criminal as you thought you were...

That can suffice as better than okay for now.

Zach pulled me to him, securing me in his arms.

I missed this.

I missed that sense of security.

I wanted that sense of security so badly.

I knew two people that could give it to me.

Zach and Grant.

They gave me security.

Tina, Macey, Liz, and Bex kept me grounded.

I needed every single one of them in my life.

I would die inside if one of them disappeared.

Sadly, I always make the mistake of speaking too soon.

..

**Also, can I take a minute to talk about Connor Franta? He came out on December 8, and I'm so immensely proud of him. But I'm a little offended and ashamed at all the haters that commented... I mean, they all have an opinion, they have a right to that opinion, so I can't really say anything. But anyways, proud of Connor for coming out. Claps to you.**

**Again, you guys are the sweetest human beings to ever exist on this planet. AHHH IT MAKES ME FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY INSIDEEEEE and please know that because I feel so indebted to you, if you ever need anything, you can PM me or email me in DM me or rant off about that one annoying person in your class in your review.**

**The excerpt may have looked familiar to a few of you because I think I PMed it out a while ago to some people. But the crossover I'm 99.999% sure I haven't sent out.**

**Anyways, you guys are literally so sweet and I'm so grateful that I've got readers and reviewers like you! RFRF, and shout outs are below! (also with a holiday oneshot. It's my present to you)**

**To Guest: Aw, thanks! I've got lots of future plans in store! ;)**

**To we-all-change: I'm pretty sure I PMed it to you and maybe a few other people a really long time ago. And I changed it, thanks. :)**

**To immaGOODEgirl: AWWWW SHANKSSSS! Did this update satisfy you?**

**To alilrose: Thanks! Have you read the one I posted?**

**To Guest #2: THANK YOU SO MUCH I USED YOUR TITLE IDEA! Love ya!**

**To Wordmeister259: Aw, thanks! Hope you enjoyed the posted version!**

**To smile-is-the-best-disguise: *grins widely* thank you! I'm so glad I made you laugh with the video part!**

**To lovewords: Thank you! And (says jokingly) yeah, you weren't supposed to review about that part! But it's okay~ :)**

**To Sunniva Steiner: GIRL I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN FOREVER I MISSED YOU! Just know that I'm always gonna be here for you! Thank you for such a kind review!**

**To SummerTime15: You're an amazing person, and I'm so incredibly grateful to you for even just being here and reading my stories. :)**

**To SoulofEssence: Glad you liked it! I'm thinking of maybe making the crossover something that could stand alone, so that you guys wouldn't have to read it... But then again if you were reading the series to understand my story then you would probably only have to read the first two books because that's all I've read... XD**

**To Liela54352: I'll try it! Hoping to have more time to read this month, I've been pretty busy. But thanks for the suggestion!**

**To 2INFIN3TY-B3YONDx: Maybe I'll use your title suggestions as a title for a future story! Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**YOU GUYS REVIEW SO MUCH.**

**Anyways, yeah I'm posting a holiday oneshot to say thank you! I think it's going up at the same time this is.**

**Happy holidays, and happy new year! :)**

**(btw if fanfiction doesn't show all the smiley faces I put in then please know that these : are in fact smiley faces)**


	28. Chapter 28

How do you ignore pain? How do you disregard pain as something insignificant and nonexistent? Is it even possible?

I want to ignore pain.

I want to ignore my pain, not the pain of others.

Because when you ignore the pain of others it makes you an ignorant human being. That's not who I am, not who I want to be. I want to ignore my mental and emotional pain, only because I'm scared that if I let the intense feelings stay...

If I let the intense feelings stay, they might hurt me even more.

I don't want to die. I want to suffer.

If I ignore my pain, then I pay more attention to the pain of others, hurting me...

I want to suffer for and from all the pain I've caused others.

Because I'm a burden. I'm a mistake, I don't even deserve to be here- which is why I'm supposed to die. But I need to suffer first.

Losing an arm wasn't enough, because I became slightly famous for surviving the Kessinger.

I needed to suffer more.

Maybe actually cutting would give me what I needed.

That _release_.

..

I told myself to do it in the middle of the night, so no one would notice.

I spent the day convincing everyone that I was okay.

I smiled. I laughed. I acted normal, acted like a normal teenage girl.

The way I say it makes me sound like some kind of superhero.

"Normal by day, hero by night."

Normal by day, cutter by night.

I was ready.

I was prepared.

I knew I had to do this.

..

I had only actually cut once before, and accidentally.

But the knife in my hand felt reassuring to me.

Surprisingly my arm didn't shake when I pushed it up against the knife, which I had propped up in between my legs so I could hold it up while I cut.

And with a quick move across the tip of the knife, I had made a cut just above my wrist and started to bleed.

And the bleeding... The blood... The blood that spilled from my arm was blood that didn't hurt. I had cut myself, but it didn't give me the pain I wanted.

So I did it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Each cut felt better and better, the contrast of the blood with my skin putting me in a hazy awed state.

I had made close to twenty cuts before deciding to stop. Picking up the knife, I shoved it under my bed, next to my rope.

One represented weakness, the other symbolized want. Want for release.

..

I didn't bother covering my wounds in bandages. The only thing I changed was my appearance- I put on a long sleeve shirt to cover the cuts, hoping desperately that no one would notice or think something was wrong.

And it worked.

I went home feeling so happy, and I decided to film my weekly video early, a simple chat about what was going on in life.

..

Apparently I seemed so happy and in such a good mood that Zach asked if we wanted to go out again on another date, and I agreed.

I left my room briefly to brush my hair in my bathroom, and came back to a Zachary Goode sitting on my bed, on his phone.

"You ready?" he asked, looking up with a roguish grin. I nodded and reached up to grab my coat, which was hanging up in my closet.

"Wait..." he whispered, standing up and walking towards me. "What's on your arm?"

"Nothing," I said hurriedly, yanking my coat off the hanger abruptly as my sleeve fell back down. "Let's go."

"No, Cam," he interrupted, stepping even closer so that he had pressed me up against the wall. "I've seen those marks before. I highly doubt they're pen lines."

He knew I penned. How?

"Let me pull your sleeve up."

I shook my head stubbornly, my hair falling in front of my face. "It's nothing. They're nothing. Just lines. Just normal lines. Let's go," I insisted, and Zach pressed his forehead against mine, looking deeper into my eyes.

"Cam. Let. Me. Pull. Up. Your. Sleeve."

I sighed, and let him pull it up.

"What are these?" he asked, but it came out sounding like a statement. He pushed my sleeve up higher and stared at the still healing cuts.

"You cut yourself," he said stubbornly. "You cut yourself. With a knife... Cam, you cut yourself-"

I pulled away abruptly, my sleeve falling back down. Moving away from him, I murmured, "Yeah. I did. So?"

"So?!" He yelled, sounding furious. His voice lowered as he continued. "You cut yourself. With a knife. You're hurting yourself... Why?! Why are you hurting yourself, you have no good reason to-"

"You don't know me," I said softly. "You don't know why I cut. You don't understand. All you can do is sympathize, and there is absolutely no one else out in the world who can empathize with me. Zach I'm no longer alone, I know that now. But I'm lonely. Because when I'm alone, it means I have no one to turn to. And that's not true anymore. But when you're lonely, it means that you no longer have anyone else you can empathize with, and _that's what's happening to me!"_

I was sobbing now, my arm covering my face.

"All I want is to be _understood_," I whispered.

Zach sighed, looked around the room, then made a decision. "Let's go out and take a walk. We'll talk along the way."

..

Speaking was apparently overrated, because we were walking for ten minutes before he decided to say something.

"Don't cut anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because you're hurting yourself."

"How can I be hurting myself when I don't even really feel the pain?"

"Cammie," he said, exasperated. "Stop cutting. You don't deserve to suffer."

And when he said that, I stopped walking by his side.

And I ran.

Ran to nowhere in particular, just running.

I needed time alone, with absolutely no one hovering in my presence.

All I needed, all I wanted, was to be able to truly think.

I did finally stop after running down a few blocks or so, making a couple turns here and there until I found myself...

On Kaery.

I sat down on the sidewalk, wondering why my feet had taken me here.

But I ignored the pang of fear in my chest and focused on more current events.

Zach was wrong.

I was supposed to suffer.

And I ran because it would hurt him.

Which would hurt me.

Karma hurts.

Karma gives release.

And on Kaery, I made a list that I spoke aloud to voice my thoughts.

"REASONS WHY I SHOULD SUFFER:

One: I've hurt people, emotionally. I've made them worry.

Two: I'm a bad person.

Three: Don't some people think that people who are depressed are like defective humans...?"

I trailed off and looked to my left to see Zach sitting next to me.

"Yeah. You have hurt people emotionally. You have made them worry. And yeah, there are people out there who think that other people who are depressed are defective. But you are not a bad person."

"If I'm not a bad person, why am I so scared of life, why am I so confused? Why am I always questioning everything even though I know I won't get answers, why am I even depressed? Why am I suicidal? If I'm not a bad person, then why am I hurting people?"

"Bad people hurt the people they care about to benefit themselves. You're hurting the people around you to make your life worse so you can die when you're at your lowest."

He stood up, offered his hand to me to help me up.

..

"Oh, and Cam, not all the questions you ask have to be answered. Sometimes you want to make sure your questions are left unanswered by someone else so you can discover the answer all on your own. Because when you realize something, that realization can basically change your whole view of the rest of the world."

..

I think I just realized something.

Maybe I sort of kind of maybe possibly love Zach Goode.

..

**OMIGOSH I JUST LOOKED AT THE LAST TIME I UPDATED AND I INSTANTLY FELT THIS HUGE PANG OF GUILT JUST HIT MY CHEST LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN, I AM SO SORRY I DON'T UPDATE AS OFTEN AS I USED TO! :'( I HONESTLY HAVE A LOT TO DO AND I FEEL REALLY BAD THAT I HAVE YOU GUYS WAIT A MONTH IN BETWEEN UPDATES... I'm really going to try harder to update more often!**

**Shout outs go to Guest, immaGOODEgurl, Wait What, Liela54352, Sunniva Steiner, nobody's angel love, hannahslye, lovewords, whalesonjupiter, thebestbooks, and smile-is-the-best-disguise! :) I can't thank you guys enough for being so supportive****.**

**Also, I am debating which character to kill off... Kidding. I'm wondering whether or not I should have someone find the rope under Cammie's bed and who should find it. And I'm at a lack of plot ideas for this story... So I'm sorry if chapters start seeming repetitive or not original... And I have the sequel for this story posted called "Unveiling Imperfect"... I might make this a trilogy? Like the Imperfection trilogy... And I got cover art uploaded... And O2L broke up... And I'm posting this on December 31 so I guess it's sort of early?! Or I might post this on January 1... Yeah I'm probably going to post this on January 1st so I can do a 2015 surprise... Nope uploading it at past 1:40 in the morning... WHAT EVEN IS MY LIFE... And it's like one in the morning... And I'm kind of hungry... And if you have anything you want to happen in Imperfect review what it is or PM it to me... Bye!**


	29. Chapter 29

**This chapter is dedicated to Izzie Lau, of whom I had a quite wonderful conversation with, and guest reviewer VioletEyes, of whom I received a review from that reminded me of _Imperfect's_ roots.**

**Also, YEAHHHH I UPDATED TWICE IN A MONTH! Actually really proud of myself for that and getting it over 2,000 words.**

..

I have been told many times that I am a workaholic.

The people who have told me that aren't exactly wrong.

Because the only reason I'm trying to work on something all the time is because I feel like I need a distraction. A distraction from my thoughts.

When I don't try and control what I'm thinking about, my thoughts go rampant, taking over my mind and momentarily apprehending me with the beliefs that

_I'm the one that everyone hates._

or

_I'm the one that messes everything up._

or even

_I'm a burden._

_I'm worthless._

_I don't fit in._

_I'm irrelevant in the plot of everyone else's lives._

I remember that while I was in middle school and at home and started thinking those, I would go sit down in my closet in the corner and close the doors. My tears would fall but I wouldn't say anything, and I made temporary imprints into my left arm with my thumbnail.

I would remember all the bullies, all the people that I felt didn't like me, all the people who I felt were a burden to.

It made me remember moments when my friends hesitated before saying that yes, they would play with me; it made me remember moments when I walked into the lunchroom and didn't know anyone and just felt so out of place.

It was like my mind was trying it's hardest to make me feel like poop. Irrelevant, and essentially not really needed.

..

"What did you answer for number one?" Macey asked, walking by my side to our next class. We had just taken a test in the last one, and admittedly it was pretty hard- plus it was worth twenty percent of our grade for the semester. "C," I answered, and watched as her eyes widened.

"I answered D," she whispered, confused. "Where's Liz? I'll ask her."

"You were both wrong," Liz said, sliding in between us. "It was A. Because when you take the square root of..."

Her explanation slowly grew to only a buzz in my ear as I just watched all the people who passed by. Their glances would land on me for only a brief second and then immediately look somewhere else. Did they see something about me? Was there something different?

"Cam? Caaaaaaam?" Macey sang, snapping her fingers in front of my face. "Hey. You okay? You look like you're depressed or something." Then she laughed, wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "What am I talking about? You're like the peppiest person ever. Let's go to lunch," she finished, dragging me behind her.

_She doesn't think I'm depressed._

..

I don't think I've ever been actually understood.

There is sympathy.

An enormous, overflowing amount of sympathy.

But empathy has never existed for me. Not that I've seen.

No empathy.

Only sympathy.

Maybe it was partially my fault?

Me not trying to find other people who were also depressed?

Even though I knew someone who was?

Bailey.

I needed to talk to Bailey.

..

"Well, I would say that this is a bit odd. A student asking to go to the principal's office." Bailey laughed, and I smiled a little bit.

Not sincerely, though.

"Sit down!" She invited me, and I stepped into her office to fall into one of the butterfly chairs. "So. What did you want to talk about?"

Decisions-

Make up a lie.

Blurt out the truth.

Confess that I know one of her presumably biggest secrets.

"I… Uh… Um..."

_I just wanted to say sorry, for all the trouble I've caused you._

_Or..._

_I'm depressed._

_Or..._

_I know you're depressed._

"It's… It's just..."

"Yes, Cammie?"

She stared at me, encouraging me to go on- be truthful.

"Is there a reason why you're her-"

"I know you're depressed," I said, louder than intended. Bailey blinked a couple of times, allowed her to look taken aback for only a few seconds before she recovered at surprising speed.

"What? Cammie, I'm not depressed-"

"Yes, you are. Zach told me."

She stopped talking.

"_What did he tell you?_"

My heart started fluttering harder than it already had been. Her voice sounded almost menacing, and I started to regret what I had done.

It took me a few minutes before gathering the courage to continue.

"He said… He said you shot him."

Her eyes started to well up, but her gaze didn't waver from mine. She mumbled something, that I could best decipher as, "It was an accident."

I sat there, choosing not to say anything as Bailey looked away from me. "I… I… I still can't grapple with it. What kind of sane person shoots their brother?" Tears started to fall from the corner of her eye, but she tried not to blink too much. I understood that feeling- not wanting to blink away tears because you feel like you deserve them.

"Why did he tell you I was depressed?"

Deep breaths are sometimes hard to take.

They're hard to take when you have to confess to something, good or bad.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Something so easily done, but taken for granted by so many.

And then there was something.

There was something, in my throat, that didn't let me speak.

Then there was something in my chest, that didn't let me breathe.

I choked on air.

"Cammie? Cammie?!"

And I literally could not speak.

"Cammie? Are you okay? Do you need water, or something?" Bailey stood up. "I'll go get you some water from the nurses office." And with that she darted out of the room. It wasn't until she left that I started breathing normally again.

_So close._

_So close, yet so far._

Was there something out there? Something that didn't want me to be me? Something that didn't want me to connect to the people who could possibly help me?

Was that something just me?

Maybe I was protecting myself. _Protecting myself from what? _Maybe I was protecting myself from betrayal.

Bailey came back in with a paper cup filled halfway with water. "Here." She handed it to me, and I took a tiny sip of the tap water that nobody liked. Once a few minutes had passed, she asked the question again.

"Why did Zach tell you I'm depressed?"

_It's because…_

_It's because…_

_It's be-_

"I was just doing some research recently about it."

"Oh."

She looked slightly taken aback, crestfallen even.

"Actually…"

"Yes?"

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Speak._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Speak._

"Zach suspected I was depressed," I blurted out. "And… And he was right about it."

Bailey was silent.

"Come into my office during your free period tomorrow."

..

I went home and acted as normal as possible. Grant didn't notice anything off, neither did Zach.

My laptop was almost closed and was on my right, my phone lay on my chest with my headphones connected, and I had the music to the highest volume it could get to. I stared at the ceiling, watched the blinking lights of the smoke detector.

When I finally closed my eyes, I let my thoughts take over yet again.

All the time, people tell you to just shrug things off, forget about it.

But you _can't_.

_I_ can't.

I actually _can't_.

..

I didn't go to bed out of fear that my thoughts would become my dreams, and my dreams would become my nightmares.

_Why is it that I always hear criticism louder than praise?_

..

"You're depressed."

"Yes."

"Do you know why?"

"No."

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

"Why not?"

_Because I deserve it, _I answered silently. I didn't say anything out loud, but the look in my eye must have been answer enough for Bailey.

"Do you feel alone?"

"No."

"Do you feel lonely?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

_Because even though there are people who could help me, I'm not going to tell them._

_And why am I not going to tell them?_

_Because they wouldn't understand._

I gave her another pointed look, hoping to get my message across. She nodded, and dropped the subject.

"So. Are you going to give any answers other than yes or no verbally?"

I shrugged, and when she laughed, it made me feel slightly better.

..

When Macey and Bex decided that there was a need for our group of four to have a sleepover, Liz and I had no choice to go along with it.

And when Macey, Bex, and Liz couldn't host because their families were all coincidentally having parties, they all came to my house.

"Okay. Would you rather… Screw Grant, or your archenemy?" Macey asked, perfect brow arched. "Archenemy," the three of us chorused, and then we all stared at Bex. "Really Bex? You wouldn't?" Bex's eyes widened and shushed us all. "Guys, shut up! What if he's outside the door?!" We laughed at her expense but let her ask the next one.

"Let's ask individual questions. So… Cammie. Would you rather lick Macey's toe or Liz's?"

I bit the inside of my cheeks. "Um… Liz's, because it's smaller and that's less to lick." Liz shuddered at the thought and Macey shrugged. "Can't complain."

"Liz- would you rather have Ryder ask you out or Jonas?" Ryder was a senior, and the good looking captain of the Mathletes team. Liz had a huge crush on him when she was a freshman and a sophomore. But then again, now she had a crush on Jonas that was not as oblivious as they both thought it was.

"Jonas," she mumbled, throwing a pillow at me. "Macey! Would you rather have to give up concealer for the rest of your life or give up using any wifi for a year?"

"Wifi," Macey answered. "You guys know my skin gets horribly blotchy."

Suddenly, there was a creak from outside the door, and we turned our heads towards it. We stood up as silently as possible and tiptoed to the closed door, before Bex yanked it open and four heads fell at our feet.

One was a blonde.

The other had black hair.

And two were brunettes.

We girls each yelled the name of the boy at our feet.

"GRANT-"

"PRESTON-"

"JONAS-"

"ZACH-"

"WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!"

..

**I've actually been writing a lot lately. But not for this story, just one shots that I also kinda want to continue, except I really don't have the time and I don't want them just sitting in my files. So I'm thinking that I'm going to make a new story titled "Snippets". And in Snippets will basically be everything I write and you guys will be able to take those stories and either continue them, add them to your own stories, or make a spinoff. The only condition is that you guys just have to credit me, and if you don't credit me, then that's being a bad person and it's called plagiarism. Have fun with those. **

**But I also reserve the right to take scenes from Snippets and put them into Imperfect or use any snippets to make a whole story. **

**Snippets will include a few crossovers, and I have this one snippet that I want to challenge you guys with writing a story off of.**

**I also am planning to put Stronger and Don't Leave Me up for adoption (but I'd be happy to collaborate with someone to continue writing them), and not continue Unveiling Imperfect but leave it up as completed. I'm hoping to be able to continue How to Break a Heart, but if some of you guys want to collab with me on writing it I'd be happy to make that happen.**

**ALSO! I read Ally's new book, All Fall Down and I bought a signed copy, so expect some sort of fanfic for that. If you haven't read it yet, it's amazing and it's basically about Grace who lives literally on a row full of embassies from other countries and she tries to solve a mystery. If you have read it, then (SPOILER) :**

**I am literally so convinced that Megan is the kid of one of GG's characters. Like Macey's daughter or something. I could totally see that.**

**Question: Have any of you guys met Ally Carter? I met her when she toured in 2013 for the last time for GG and she is amazing.**

**Shout outs to Liela54352, Zach - Goode's - Girl. xxx (w/o spaces), Guest, Wordmeister259, lovewords, we-all-change, Sunniva Steiner (YES YOU GOT AN ACCOUNT!), BooksLover2000 (all your reviews, danke!), and whalesonjupiter!**


	30. Chapter 30 (WHAT! 2,000 words!)

**Hi. As I'm writing this first part, I'm a little bummed that the Seahawks lost the Superbowl. Congratulations to the Patriots, congratulations to your fanbase, and just saying that now so I can get it off my chest.**

..

We killed them (internally).

We also let them stay for a few more hours- after all, we couldn't exactly kick Grant out.

Or, honestly, Zach.

"Oh. Em. Gee!" Grant mocked us when we said they could stay for a short while. "YAS, GIRLS NIGHT! SLUMBER PARTY! So, what do my _girlfriends_ do on their _sleepovers_?!"

Bex threw a pillow at him, and when he ducked, she used that split second to punch his shoulder.

Zach sat down next to me on the floor, and I leaned against him while we watched Grant's struggle against Bex. When they had finally settled down, we took up common conversation. Each time someone else was speaking, I pushed the rope under my bed back a bit. I didn't want Zach hand, or Liz's to casually wander under the bed and hit my sign of weakness.

Eventually our conversation stilled, and I offered to refill everyone's drink and the snack stash. Grant went with me.

"Thanks for crashing our slumber party," I joked, nudging up against him while we walked downstairs.

He smirked, looking briefly like Zach. "I was bored in my room, _and_ you guys were making a ton of noise."

"We weren't _that_ loud."

"Mmhmm."

The rest of the night was normal, nothing exciting happening except Macey clawing Preston for making a crude joke that, in order to assure my own safety, shall not be uttered again.

But the morning after was odd.

..

The first thing I did when I woke up was check my phone.

_I'm tagging CamMorganHere, baxter_theduchess, and __lizsutton to do the #20BeautifulWomen tag along with-_

Macey's photo, which she had tagged me in.

Now, I'm not a photogenic person. I try to avoid being in most pictures unless I'm in a good mood, but for this I figured- why not?

So I took a photo.

After I posted it, I looked at my reflection in the full length mirror and scanned my body head to toe.

And pointed out all my imperfections.

_You're fat._

_You're ugly._

_The people who call you pretty are just doing that to be nice._

_You'll never be the girl you want to be. You will always be the girl who's out of place and is a burden to everyone else._

_You don't belong, and you never will._

I stared into my own eyes for as long as I could without blinking. The tears welled and it wasn't long until they fell, but I didn't care. My thoughts started to leak into other things, more suicidal.

_You deserve to suffer._

_You deserve to make the people around you happier by killing yourself._

_You deserve to die._

_You've burdened too many people._

_Now go die._

It's hard to function when all you can think about is death.

..

And then I remembered Zach's note, the one he had left on my desk before leaving my room the night before.

_Whenever you feel depressed or suicidal and I'm not there:_

_You are beautiful. You made me smile today. You make me happy. I only wish I could do the same for you permanently._

_Don't ever doubt yourself. You aren't a burden. You are perfect-_

I know Zach meant the best in his letter, but I couldn't stand that word.

Because isn't it obvious?

I'm_ Imperfect_.

..

"It was so incredibly boring. He was just droning on and on about ionization when it's something that we already went over with Solomon! I hate having substitutes," Liz complained, blatantly frustrated. "Why didn't you just work on your other stuff..." Bex trailed off. "Oh. You already finished, didn't you?"

Liz nodded as we walked out the door for free period.

..

The one thing I hate the most is being misunderstood.

I do try to hide most of my feelings, and I'd like to think I do so well.

But I hate it when people try to interpret my feelings, but interpret all my feelings and emotions in a way that's completely wrong.

There was this one time when my parents and I were arguing, just about my classes. I wanted to take a class that was outside of the required curriculum, but they were trying to persuade me not to. Afterwards, they told me that they only wanted me to 'consider other options'.

And I was.

But they thought that me trying to hold in tears was me feeling like they were trying to make me feel inferior.

I was screaming in my head while they were talking to me.

_I know what else might happen. I know and understand the risks. But I've made my decision and you're not going to change my mind. Period. I'm not going to cry because you're making me feel bad, but I'm going to cry out of pity and frustration- pity because you don't understand, and frustration for that reason and for the reason that you're not even trying to understand._

But at that point I only started to question myself.

_Are you sure you want them to understand?_

And I didn't.

Because it would hurt them.

That is the one thing I try to avoid doing.

Worry is one of my biggest enemies in that way.

As is misunderstanding.

But then again, I guess I have a lot of enemies, don't I? A lot of enemies that aren't actually… _Living_.

..

_fangirlforlyfe: __CamMorganHere IT'S DECEMBER 7 TOMORROW! VIDEO!_

_totallyxoxo: __CamMorganHere OMG DECEMBER 7 WHAT'S PLANNED?!_

_goodesgirl: wondering what __CamMorganHere is doing for tomorrow_

_mxyznjkl: december 7 is too far awayyyyy __CamMorganHere_

I still hadn't filmed the video, and decided to procrastinate on Twitter for a while. I kind of wanted to make a hashtag so I could track them all, but just searching my name up was just as well. I had a feeling that someone would eventually make a hashtag tomorrow.

_Maybe #ItsDecember7Cammie? Or #CammiesNewAnnouncement?_

I didn't know if I was ready to film the video yet.

But I promised, didn't I?

Did I want to be the kind of person who broke promises?

If I did, would that make me like my dad? Who broke promises all the time?

My dad, who was the last person in the world I would ever want to be like.

_No. You're not going to be him._

So I borrowed Zach's stuff.

I set up my room.

And started filming.

..

Starting was probably the hardest part.

"Hey guys, it's Cammie. And… And… There's something I need to tell you. Or, I guess..." I completely lost my train of thought and started over.

"I'm back! Hey, it's Cam..." _No, too peppy._

"Cammie here, with some news." _With some news?!_

"Cammie here, and I've got something I need to tell you guys." _Better._

"You guys probably know me as someone happy, good with life, and positive. But the truth is..." _Can you say it? Can you say it out loud?_

_Can you verbalize the thoughts and feelings you've kept bottled up in you for years, and with a blast let the whole world know?_

_Would you?_

_Should you?_

_Could you?_

_Will you?_

My mind was on another rampage. Rapid fire questions, all directed towards me. I couldn't answer any of them.

_Oh, but did you want to answer all these questions?_

My eyes shut closed, and I let the thoughts run through my head for I don't know how long until my eyes fluttered back open and I found myself lying on my back.

_You know how evil people are. You're going to be judged. Remember that Tumblr attack? There are people who hate people who are depressed. They're going to hate you if you tell them. Is this really the right thing to do? You know that after you film, you're only going to struggle even more with editing. Are you sure you actually want to do that? People are going to treat you differently, and you're going to lose a ton of subscribers. You know how people are. You know how humans are. You're human yourself, you know how others will act._

_Don't do this._

_There's too much at stake._

_You've already gone so far._

_No need to tear it down now._

_Don't bring yourself down when you still have so much you can do._

_So now, will you?_

"NO!" I yelled, tired of the questions. Grant rushed in my room, and without asking any questions, wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm tired," I whispered against him. "I'm so, so, _so_ tired."

"I know, Camster," he mumbled back. "I know." He sat me up so I was sitting cross-legged in his lap, and I buried my head in his chest. _"I'm tired of life,_" I whispered. "Why is it so hard?"

I felt tears press against my eyelids, and Grant rubbed my back slowly. "C'mon, Cam. It's okay."

And I let myself cry.

"You're going to tell them?" he asked after a few minutes had subsided. I nodded, still not ready to pull away quite yet.

"You're really brave, Cam."

_Am I?_

"Everyone's really proud of you, y'know."

_Are they?_

"I can tell when you're questioning yourself. So stop. It'll only stress you out even more."

_Okay._

"Okay?"

I nodded. "Mmhmm."

I never really understood the concept of love, I guess.

Had I ever told Grant I loved him?

Had I ever told Grant I loved him and meant it?

"Grant..." I started, moving my head to look up at him. "Love you."

He smiled. "Love you too. Now. Do you want to go get ice cream?"

_Grant._

_What would I do without you?_

..

I didn't film for the rest of the day. I spent the day with Grant, going out for ice cream and then coming back home to watch movies until the day leaked into night, and night leaked into early morning.

"Hey, you know what we haven't done in a really long time?"

"What?" I asked, stealing a scoop from Grant's tub of ice cream.

Yeah. We had bought a full tub each.

"Animated Kids Movie Marathon. We don't have school or anything tomorrow. Let's do it."

While growing up, Grant and I had a movie obsession. We owned every animated Disney and Dreamworks movie possible, and every time a new animated movie came out, we bought it.

I gasped. "The DVDs are all in the Box, right? We're not missing any?"

Grant took out his phone, looking online to see if we were missing any movies.

"OH MY GOSH WE'RE MISSING SO MANY!" He yelled, and we both ran out to the car.

We drove from store to store until we had bought every animated movie there was that we didn't have: Big Hero 6, the Book of Life, etc.

"I feel like I've betrayed Disney," I said, leaning against Grant on the couch once we were back. "I still haven't seen Big Hero 6 yet, so we should watch it first."

"Agreed," he said, getting up to put it in and grab our ice cream tubs.

After the movie, I was a wreck.

We watched the Book of Life, hoping it would lighten the mood.

But no, I ended up in even worse shape.

"When did animated movies get so powerful?!" I asked, wiping away my tears during the end credits. "Let's watch..." I didn't want to watch anything sad, but I couldn't think of any Disney movie that wouldn't make me cry. "The Little Mermaid?" Grant asked, but before I could say no he was already slipping it in.

"Too late."

"She's your favorite Disney princess, isn't she?" I asked, preparing to be met with a haughty Grant, but he only shrugged. "Yeah. She's awesome. Better than Sleeping Beauty."

I hit him with my pillow. "All Disney princesses are at the same level. Don't place one higher than the other just because of the plot they had no choice to take! And, she has a name. It's Aurora."

"You're just saying that because you can't pick a favorite. And isn't her name Rose or something in the classic books?"

I stuck my tongue out and took another bite of my ice cream as the movie started.

Halfway through the movie, I watched Grant's expression as he laughed at the seagull attempting to sing.

_I didn't realize this before, but he reminds me a lot of…_

_Dad. Not by actions, of course not by actions._

_But his smile is the same._

_His laugh is the same._

_He has that right dimple Dad had, same size on the same cheek._

_And his forehead crinkles._

_So I guess he's like dad, physically but luckily not mentally._

_Do you miss him? Dad?_ My subconscious asked, and I shrugged.

_I miss having a dad. But I don't miss him, I guess._

_Maybe I should talk to him._

_..._

_Maybe I will._

..

**Sorry I was gone for so long! But if you'd like to know, yes school got in the way yet again. Also, I've had to write an essay and do a few projects while studying for tests and stuff… And I've been procrastinating a lot lately. Sorry!**

**Not only is this AN going to be extremely long (so feel free to just skim through it bc it's just me rambling on and on), but you should totally read "Welcome Home, Gallagher Girls" by afigmentofmyimagination because it's SO FREAKING GOODE!**

**..**

**So on February 10, 2015, at 7:36 p.m., I told one of my best friends that I was feeling suicidal and depressed for the last year.**

**Thank you, to all of you, who have read this story and supported me. Honestly, I don't even know where I would be without you all. Thank you so much for being there for me. I love you all in that way that I've described many times before as totally-not-creepy-and-not-intended-to-be-creepy-or-to-imply-anything. I really wish I knew you all in person.**

**Thanks to SummerTime15, who was there for me in some of my darkest moments, even if it was only through a screen through PM. AND she was my VERY FIRST reviewer. This story literally is mostly because of her.**

**Thanks to mhernandez5 for sticking with this story for so long!**

**Thanks to Anonymous who suggested I use the Avril Lavigne song!**

**Thanks to greeneyedsmirker who was my first review on chapter two and gave me such positive reviews throughout the story.**

**Thanks to Guest #1 who told me that I write grammatically and stylistically well, which made me so happy.**

**Thanks to Sunniva Steiner, a person I admire for telling her counselor. Your reviews have made me so happy, and I couldn't be more thankful to you.**

**Thanks to Believe514 who has also stuck by this story and reviewed.**

**Thanks to Zach's. Goode. Girl. without the spaces who has been so encouraging.**

**Thanks to Liela54352 who was my fangirl buddy throughout this. :) (btw Connor Franta replied to one of my comments on his PDA video and I was having a fangirl attack for ten minutes before I replied back.)**

**Thanks to HiItsMe who told me to keep writing, and I constantly remember that I'm writing this to get the word out because "it needs to be heard." :)**

**Thanks to BooksLover2000 who I am glad I made laugh.**

**Thanks to VioletEyes who wrote a review on chapter 8 that brought me to tears.**

**Thanks to we-all-change for her encouragement and concrit questions.**

**Thanks to athenadaughter6 who also made me cry with her review which inspired me so much.**

**Thanks to Artemis the Artcher for encouraging me to continue. :)**

**Thanks to Polishdillpicklesandzammie whose username I also love and is an author I've admired.**

**Thanks to fan whose one word review made me laugh with its bluntness (totally a goode thing.)**

**Thanks to Wordmeister259 who made me smile with each review.**

**Thanks to zammie01 who reminded me that I could write longer and lengthier chapters and that I should.**

**Thanks to Kayla who encouraged me to write when I was in a giant writer's block.**

**Thanks to a fan (who idk is different from fan) whose review made me smile.**

**Thanks to foodislifeyo because that username is literally life. Like food. Thanks for the reviews!**

**Thanks to Guest #2 who made me smile also with the review and made me realize that I was maybe making an impact on someone out there in the world.**

**Thanks to peace-luv-fanfiction who encouraged me to write more as well. :)**

**Thanks to Guest #3 whose Goode pun always makes me smile.**

**Thanks to nobody's angel love for all the reviews that have encouraged me to write more and more.**

**Thanks to smile-is-the-best-disguise who I constantly thank for that idea. :D**

**Thanks to SoulofEssence whose first review boosted up my confidence in this story a ton. :)**

**Thanks to hannahslye who reminded me that yes, I was writing a story, and that people actually feel emotions through my writing.**

**Thanks to whalesonjupiter who stayed up for so long reading my story AND I'M SORRY I PUT YOU THROUGH SO MANY EMOTIONS!**

**Thanks to lovewords who has stayed with my story and reviewed for such a long time.**

**Thanks to Hello who did the pledge because girl you know what's going on. That pledge needs to become something required by every Gallagher Girl fangirl. ;)**

**Thanks to alilrose who made me laugh with the first review and made me realize how much I related to internet people.**

**Thanks to Purplemockingjay4 who called my story awesometastic and that is a word I now use and I'm simultaneously kind of confused because I typed it in and it's not marked as misspelled… Hmm… XD**

**Thanks to JustDontFlickrrr who told me to not give up on this story.**

**Thanks to Zammieforever who encouraged me to just keep writing :)**

**Thanks to jojolover who left a very blunt review that urged me to continue writing.**

**Thanks to Crying person whose threat worked. It worked very well.**

**Thanks to howtobecrazzy101 who lifted my spirits from underneath the earth's crust to above and beyond the known universe. :)**

**Thanks to me is Intelligent whose writing I also admire so much and who really didn't want me to kill off Cammie.**

**Thanks to thebiggestbookworm whose single word review totally described my own feelings.**

**Thanks to Guest #4 who told me to never, EVER, kill Cammie off.**

**Thanks to Really, who also told me that I should definitely do the spinoff which I have been meaning to do.**

**Thanks to booksxforxlife who did not hold back in profanity or in bluntness, which I don't mind at all.**

**Thanks to Wait what who gave me concrit when I needed it :)**

**Thanks to CGK0113 and I swear I'm trying to work him into the story. I watched his two more personal videos and I couldn't stop crying.**

**Thanks to chocolategalaxys who almost cried but luckily didnt. :)**

**Thanks to x2INFIN3TY-B3YONDx for her encouragement and praise. :)**

**Thanks to NAME LOLZ (who did get creative with the name) for the sweet review!**

**Thanks to immaGOODEgurl who made me smile with her short but sweet review :)**

**Thanks to Guest #5 for the encouragement. :)**

**Thanks to Guest #6 for the story title ideas. :)**

**Thanks to Guest #7 for his/her story, and I hope things go well for you!**

**Thanks to thebestbooks who knows his/her literary terms ;)**

**Thanks to Zach-Goode' for the advice! :)**

**Thanks to Guest #8 who gave me some advice on the rope thing, even though I'm still kind of torn. Actually, I was gonna have someone find it during the sleepover, but then I was like "Never mind just make this a Grammie moment or something. Everyone ships their brother/sister relationship… right?" ;)**

**Thanks to Izzie Lau, who emailed me about her predicament and indirectly helped me sort through some of my own issues.**

**DANG THAT WAS A TON OF SCROLLING AND CHECKING AND STUFF.**

**Thanks to all of you who have followed, favorited, and read this story at all. It really means a lot to me.**

**A ton of you guys gave me advice for my story, have fangirled with me, and everything in between. I went through my reviews for each chapter, so I really hoped I haven't missed any of you guys that reviewed.**

**Just a heads-up: If I don't update in the next month, it's because I'm going through some other personal things, non-mental illness related.**

**:) RFRF**

**~Mia**


	31. Chapter 31

**I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY!**

**I've kind of disappeared off the face of the earth and hidden on tumblr for the past few months, and I have neglected this story and all my others that I told myself to continue for forever.**

**I should have been working on **_**Imperfect**_ **but I WASN'T for some weird reason that I'm not going to think of an excuse for because I've done that too much.**

**(Also this chapter starts out in Grant's POV, and alternates between his and Cammie's perspective.)**

..

All I wanted was to protect her; to make her happy. But stupid me, all I can do is scare everyone away.

The month before mom died, she told me that she wanted me to quit drinking.

"_C'mon, Grant. Honestly, I don't even think I should be asking you. Just quit. You know that this is all going to hurt you in the end, and no one wants you to get hurt because of some stupid decision you made."_

_"Cam, you know it's not really my fault!"_

_"THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!"_

_"I'm not hurting anyone-"_

_"YES, YOU ARE!" She yelled, tears falling from her eyes. "First dad? Then mom? You're my big brother. I've looked up to you for my whole f***ing life, and I've depended on you to keep me safe! How the hell am I supposed to trust someone who hurts me because he turned out to be exactly like the people I absolutely did not want to see him become?!"_

She really did love me, and care for me. While I, on the other hand, didn't think she should love someone who was an alcoholic.

One time, I drank so much and ended up getting so angry at the smallest things… And I hit her.

_I hit my sister who was depressed and suicidal._

That was when I told myself that I needed to stop.

But I barely made it through the first day. The second day was even harder.

It got easier, eventually. It took a few months, but I did it.

The night that mom died, though, I couldn't help myself. I snuck out and drank my woes away.

_Cam's gonna kill me if she finds out that I can't quit. Old habits die hard, I guess._

All I could think about was how I had basically just failed the person I loved the most.

..

"Cam here, and I've got something I need to tell all of you. You guys probably know me as someone happy, good with life, and positive. But the truth is, that isn't always the case." I looked down at my hand that sat in my lap, and mentally cursed for forcing myself to set a specific date.

_F*** you, March 8th._

"My childhood hadn't always been the best. Sure, there were _those moments. _You know, those moments where everything seems right in the world. But I usually forgot about those things because everything else that was bad seemed more prominent."

_And continue with your explanation…_

"I remember when I was younger, I wanted to get catcalled. I _dreamed _about getting catcalled by a guy or whatever. I _dreamed _about people taking advantage of me because they felt persuaded to by my looks. I _wanted _those things to happen to me. Not because I'm some sick person, but because I grew up in a society that told me: If you were catcalled, it meant you were good enough to be worthy of a catcall. It meant you were pretty. It meant that you were something other people wanted."

My lips moved. But I didn't hear the words.

I _felt _them. I remembered every little thing I felt when I was little.

Like walking down the street, seeing some guy my age or a little older, and sucking in my stomach and trying to push my chest out slightly and more together.

Like wearing v-necks that cut down really low just so I could "attract" someone.

Like wearing short skirts so I could show off my legs.

_You're an idiot._

_A stupid, bumbling idiot._

"I did all of these things that I feel are simultaneously stupid but completely embody me."

_Look straight into the camera._

"The truth is, I have never, ever felt good enough. And honestly? I don't think I ever will."

..

_Wait, what?_

I stood outside her room, listening to her talk to her camera. I knew about the depression part. I had known about it for a while. I didn't exactly know why, though.

Mental illnesses confuse me so much. Because I just don't understand why or how.

How could anyone feel so bad about themselves that they want to die? Don't they know how much they hurt other people? Don't they know how much they make us worry? Their friends and family? Don't they know that we just want to help?

Doesn't she know that? How could she not know?

_I want to ask her._

_But it might be the wrong thing to ask._

..

"I'm-"

_Lonely. Alone. Insane. Disturbed. Hurt. Slightly apathetic. Numb. Callow. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Anxious. Worried. Stressed. A burden. Suicidal. A cutter. Not eating as much as I used to. Cold. Frozen. Dumb. An impediment. Untalented. Fading. Dying. Dead._

_All of these words, and yet I'm only telling the world one._

"-depressed. I've been depressed for a long time."

I sighed, then hoped I wouldn't sigh too much during the video.

"I get that I don't exactly look depressed- that's what I've been told. Some days are better than others, but at the end of every day I want to cry myself to sleep at night. I've always felt alone going through this, and I've never exactly known what to do about it."

_Decide. Now. Will you go into depth? Or leave it at that and just finish off with a small smile?_

_They deserve to know every little detail, but..._

… _Explaining things is hard._

"Thank you guys, for understanding and supporting me through everything. I just thought that you guys should know about this, so I don't have to keep much from you. That's it for this video, and I'll see you next week."

_I just posted a video about being depressed._

_And if their reactions are all negative, isn't this basically social suicide?_

..

She sat there, silent, and I willed my breathing to become softer so she wouldn't know I had been watching the whole time. After a few minutes, I decided it was okay to go in and give her a hug.

"Does that feel better?" I asked in referral to the video, to only be given a shrug in reply.

"It terrifies me to think of what their responses might be. So many people are going to reject me, I can feel it. I know when I edit, I'm just going to end up deleting most of the video… It wasn't that long- or, as long as my other videos."

She shook her head and stood up, grabbing her laptop and memory card and plopping it into a bag.

"Where are you going?" I asked her, slightly concerned.

"Downstairs. And then I'm going to take a walk. When I finish my walk, I'm going to sit down on a park bench and edit my video. When I'm done editing my video, I'm going to upload it and come back home to hide from the internet for the next few hours."

_She always has a plan, doesn't she?_

"I'll go with you," I offered, but she shook her head again. "Tell everyone else not to go looking for me. I just really need to be alone right now."

I nodded as she walked out the room. "Thanks, Grant," she whispered before disappearing.

Her tone of voice oddly made my blood run cold and I instantly became more alert.

I could tell that she was overcome with fear on the response, but wasn't going to tell me anything if I asked.

_Don't do anything impulsive, Cam. You're better than that._

..

_Hiding's what I do best, isn't it? It's simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing._

Editing is something that does get slightly boring and tiring after a time, but my thoughts were too occupied with fear and immense worry.

_What if I get rejected?_

_What if no one supports me?_

_What if everything only gets worse?_

_What if?_

_Stupid words._

_Stupid mind._

_Stupid stupid stupid life._

I thought back to the other point I had made during my video and remembered an unfortunate scenario of me wanting to be wanted.

...

_One time, just once, someone saw me. Someone _noticed _me. He was about five or six years older than me, a college student. _

"_Why don't you come to my place to see that pretty dress of yours fall?"_

_Or something like that. __I don't really remember exactly._

_Technically, what he was doing was probably illegal. Sexually harassing a minor? But I didn't report it._

_Because it felt _good.

_I felt like I was special._

_But before I could do anything, Grant intervened and glared at the guy before pulling me away. When I turned, I made sure my hair flipped over my shoulder as gracefully as it could and I swayed my hips slightly as I walked._

_He chuckled, and whistled softly before I was whisked out of sight._

_..._

He wanted me. He almost _had _me. I was going to _let him _have me.

But I had to force those thoughts out of my head so I could finish editing my video and upload it online.

(Yes, my local park has WiFi.)

I bit the inside of my cheek once it finished loading, then ran home as fast as I could.

..

"How was your-"

The front door slammed and Cammie was already bolting up the stairs and had slammed another door before I could finish.

"-walk?" I sighed and texted Zach.

_Cam needs you_

I walked upstairs to accompany the only real family I had left until her boyfriend got here for extra support.

"Camster?"

She groaned, and I opened the door to find her under her covers.

"Are you going to come out?"

"No."

Her blunt answer made me roll my eyes but smile a little bit as I walked closer and sat under the covers next to her.

"If you're not going out then I'm going in," I joked, hoping to make her smile with no luck. I lifted the covers and joined her.

"I know you're scared, Cam."

She turned to look at me. "But you don't know how much. I don't know how anyone will respond- what if they all hate me?" She whispered.

I didn't have an answer, and it took a few minutes before another head appeared under the blanket. Zach looked up at Cammie. "They won't. I promise you that. They all love you _so _much."

With that he pulled the covers off of us and encompassed Cammie into his arms when she started to cry.

_Protect her, _I thought, leaving the room. _She really, really needs you. _

..

Zach rubbed small circles on my back until I had stopped crying and wiped away my tears. "I'm going to prove it to you, okay?" he asked, pulling out my laptop.

I held my hand out to stop him from opening it. "No. Not yet."

He raised an eyebrow but nodded. "I'll give you thirty minutes. And then we go onto YouTube _and_ Twitter together."

_Both? _I thought to myself, getting more uneasy about the deal I was about to pull myself into.

But nodding, I pulled him closer to me.

"Everything's going to be okay. I promise you."

_Promises were meant to be broken, _I thought bitterly.

But 30 minutes passed faster than I thought it would, and he opened my YouTube video, watching it with headphones on. Zach kept on glancing at me every now and then, but whenever he wasn't looking at me I watched his expression change.

"Look at the views," he said when he was done with the video. "You're almost at a million hits. It's been less than an hour."

"Look at the likes," he continued. "800,000."

"What about the dislikes?" I asked, not able to see the screen but not really wanting to anyways.

"They don't matter. Look at the comments. They all support you _100 percent. _Don't think for one second they don't love you."

I looked at him, silently begging him to read them to me.

_"Hey Cam, it's okay. #WeLoveYouCammie and you are NOT alone"_

_"Don't mind the haters, they're all irrelevant. #WeSupportYouCammie!"_

Zach closed YouTube and opened up Twitter, then turned the screen so I could see it.

"#WeLoveYouCammie is number one trending worldwide," he said softly, probably hoping it would comfort me in some way. "And #WeSupportYouCammie is number five."

He clicked on _#WeLoveYouCammie _and let me scroll.

_"#WeLoveYouCammie"_

_"DONT EVER FEEL ALONE #WELOVEYOUCAMMIE"_

There were hundreds- maybe thousands.

"I told you they loved you, Cam."

And yet, I knew that it would only take one tweet; one comment; one word to bring me down.

I guess I wasn't as strong as I had hoped I would be.

"_wtf #WeLoveYouCammie is trending shes just an attention seeking b*****"_

I smiled sadly, because it was expected and it proved my point.

"No. You're wrong. They don't all love me," I said.

I handed the laptop to him and laid down on my bed, letting the words sink in.

Zach's cheeks turned red and he typed furiously into the computer.

"Don't do anything, Zach," I said half-heartedly. I didn't think he should be putting effort into protecting me, and I didn't want to be the reason someone else got hurt, and by Zach- who generally had a good guy reputation that didn't need to be damaged by me.

Even if I don't do anything negative, I still manage to mess everything up.

Great.

He let out a quick breath of frustration, only pausing his typing briefly. "Okay, so you get bashed on Twitter and you expect me to sit here and do nothing. This person is inconsiderate, mean, and a hater. You don't deserve to receive comments like this from people like her."

"Zach-"

He closed the computer, finished with a rant he probably went on, and placed both his hands on my shoulders.

"Don't let their words get to you. Put up that wall I know you have. Don't. Let. Them. Hurt. You."

I almost smiled at his protectiveness. But instead, I whispered,

"Too late."

_Yeah. I think I'm going to avoid the internet for a while._

..

I went on Twitter after leaving and saw all the hateful words so many people were tweeting at Cammie. Calling her names, accusing her, and bringing her down with each and every word. I blocked every person I saw spreading hate and reported them, with a growing hope their accounts would be deleted.

I crossed my fingers and hoped she didn't see any of it. To a lot of people, she seems so strong.

But something little can break her so easily.

..

_I _hate _acting strong._

_I hate how the world is so judgmental._

_All I want to do is cry without any backlash._

Zach kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey. Everything will be okay."

_I don't think okay will be enough._

_I don't think making everything okay would be enough either._

_Nothing's _enough _anymore._

_Not for me._

_Not ever._

_And that's okay._

_Because for me... When I'm broken..._

_You can't pick up the pieces._

_It's impossible._

I truly believed that I was too broken to be fixed.

..

I got a call in the middle of the night.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this the Morgan residence?"

"... Yes," I replied cautiously. "May I know who is calling?"

"I'm Erica, the receptionist at Greenfield Hospital."

_Greenfield? Greenfield Hospital was regarded as one of the best in the country, even better than Wayliff. It was in the next state over._

"Cameron Morgan resides here, correct?"

"Yeah," I responded, a little taken aback.

"We heard about the car crash she was in that took away her arm. Doctors performed the Kessinger on her, and we recently have received a grant from the government to develop new technologies to help those traumatized in accidents."

I was still confused.

"Mr. Morgan, the doctors here at Greenfield would like to give Cameron a newly developed prosthetic limb, completely free. Our only request is that she come to a press conference at our hospital after we fit the prosthetic."

I almost dropped the phone.

Prosthetics can cost over $50,000.

And the hospital was going to give Cammie one for free, and newly developed.

"There are some risks with this, including that the new technology may malfunction and result in even brain damage."

Okay, so there were risks.

"Mr. Morgan, we understand that this is a lot to process, and that we did call at a slightly inconvenient time. But the doctors will cancel the offer in a week, so we suggest that you and Cameron make a decision as soon as possible. Have a good evening."

I mumbled her last sentence back before hanging up the phone.

_She has to take this opportunity._

_She _has_ to._

..

**Question 1: Do you want me to bleep out curse words if I use them in my story?**

**Question 2: How are you?**

**Question 3: Is it just me or are fanfictions on this website getting longer and authors are getting so good at writing and evoking emotions within me that I hardly knew existed?**

**-NOTE-**

**Statement: First off, sexual harassment IS NOT OKAY. Whether it's a guy to a girl, a girl to a guy, a girl to a girl, or a guy to a guy, it IS NOT OKAY. I am in no way trying to condone sexual harassment in any way, shape, or form in this chapter, and if you somehow interpret my writing as if I was, then that is completely incorrect. I was simply trying to make a point on how society can manipulate our thoughts to think things that aren't right. **

**Don't ever, ever believe that you have to change in order to feel wanted, because someone out there in the world loves you. Even if you don't know who that person is right now, I will be that person in that non-creepy/friend way I talk about.**

**-END OF NOTE-**

**Statement 2: Shoutout to ThePennedParadox because seriously I love the word elucidate and you used it and I will never forget about it because now it's my favorite word and thank you.**

**Statement 3: Shoutout to SummerTime15 because hey I just read your FF bio and I am honored to be part of the squad. :)**

**Statement 4: You know those moments when you really hate society because you realize how screwed up it is sometimes and you want feminism, equality, no wage gap, no poor people, climate change to stop, mean people to stop, etc.? *points to self* ME ATM**


	32. Author's Note

**I'm alive and I'm doing well and I'm back from an OMG TWO YEAR HIATUS I AM SO SORRY.**

**Anyways, this is a really short AN, as you can see. My bio has more information on what's up, so please check that out! I'm uploading a new story tomorrow in the Girl Meets World fandom and I would also be super grateful if you looked at that too.**

**Thank you so much for sticking with me; you're wonderful.**


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